Quarken Era (2004-2013)
Quarken Xired began writing front page updates in 2004, during Gates of Discord, until the final days of Triality in 2013.
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Snapping Necks & Cashing Checks
Yo everyone. I don’t even know where to start. There is so much to talk about and my fingers are already tired of typing. But I’m going to muscle up and push beyond the crippling strain on my digits. This update has love, it has hate and it probably has herpes. So keep your Valtrex© handy because I’m going to climb onto the top rope and Superfly Jimmy Snuka this update right into your solar plexus. Actually, let’s first take a time-out to talk about recruiting! That’s always fun. Right now, Triality is looking to add these classes our our clam harem:
Enchanter: 2
Warrior: 1
Knights: Hit the showers, you’re finished.
All other classes: MaybeIf you think Triality is the warm salvation that you’ve been seeking your entire life, here’s some helpful tips to get you off the streets and into our warm, comforting arms. First, read the requirements on our forums. Then, talk to Orruar or Dalnoth in-game before you apply. Then they’ll make you twirl on the catwalk and if they find you sexy enough to put out on the corner, you get to write your application and we get to make fun of it. Just kidding, we won’t make fun of it. Just kidding, we will. Unless you’re an enchanter, in which case we’ll probably take turns tickling your yam bag.
So, here’s the deal. On the last update we left off talking about how we rode a tide of vengeance directly into Frostcrypt‘s Adam’s apple. So, if you’ve been taking notes, you’re probably expecting an exciting update detailing our trials and tribulations through Ashengate, Reliquary of the Scale. And that’s exactly what we have for you! But, it’s like small. How small? If this update was testicles you’d think it was -20° Centigrade in this bitch. That small. So here are the CliffsNotes:
- Ashengate East: We won.
- Ashengate West: We won, again.
Now you may say, “Where’s the proof” and I may reply, “I’m lazy” but that doesn’t really tell you anything. Some may say, “U GOT SPOILERZ HAhALOLz” and to that I say:
That kite, so beautifully displayed in the signature colors of the Luclin server, is the only strategy spoiler you need to defeat this entire expansion. That’s the big secret. When in doubt, throw a rope on that bitch and kite your tight little ass off. This was literally our go-to strategy during the entire expansion. But, enough of that. What do we have for you today? How about Triality being the 1st guild, in all of EverQuest, to finish The Serpent’s Spine.
A few nights ago we were stumbling our way through Ashengate North when we came upon Dyn’leth, Firstborn of Lethar. And we killed him. With absolute ease.
The Dyn’leth fight is so fucking easy it’s borderline insulting. As long as you can manage to not die in real life while manipulating your EverQuest character on the internet, you’ll win. That’s sadly not surprising considering while we were pulling the pants off of Frostcrypt, every other guild was doing their best to beat Ashengate. Which means all of the Ashengate events had their difficulty balanced against guilds that are decidedly not Triality and it shows by just how easy everything is in all of Ashengate. Let me give you another example of what I mean and what happens when other guilds have to try and beat an event that is delightfully difficult.
So last night we Crip walked our way into Ashengate North and put a hurtin’ on Lethar the Black. Difficulty aside, this fight was actually very fun and really unique. I feel like this is the first fight in EverQuest, so far, that actually puts you into a time machine and takes you back because this fight had a very NToV kind of vibe about it.
And upon his death, after Lethar’s Final Stand, came one of our biggest accomplishments as a guild to-date: our first game-wide 1st place expansion victory after defeating all of The Serpent’s Spine before anyone else. Thanks to all the players and haters of Triality that persisted through the worst of it and the best of it. We’ll be here in our little corner of the world farming harder than a Korean LAN party until the next expansion drops. Keep an eye out over here for an Ashengate movie that is in the works to go with our Frostcrypt movie.
Triality standing above all the rest.
Which brings us to tonight. Tonight we officially started our farming campaign by romping around Frostcrypt #1, which we haven’t been back to for a few weeks now. We eventually came to Lorekeeper Grenwald. That fight was pretty intense the last time we killed him and we still weren’t comfortable enough to just walk up to him and eat his lunch, or so we thought. So we were prepared for what was arguably the most difficult fight in the whole expansion but when he spawned this time, all we what we got was this:
This is, of course, is after all the other guilds couldn’t hang with the difficulty of the original version of the Lorekeeper Grenwald fight; the version we defeated. The version we thought was perfectly difficult. Of course, when you throw 46 limp cleric bodies at a mob and it doesn’t die you only have two options and calling up Big Zeke of the Sony Mafia to break Grenwald’s legs is the one that was chosen gg.
My point is, naturally it isn’t a big surprise that we crushed all of Ashengate with absolute ease since every event in there was balanced against the raid-style of guilds that have more clerics than the Vatican.
And now for something completely different:
Look, Ma! The Babysitter Is Giving Me Head!
by Ophidion
Instead of going with my original idea of taking a huge shit in a box and mailing it to the designers and developers of the Frostcrypt side of The Serpent Spine, I decided to take a different approach to all of my misplaced anger. For those of you who don’t know me, I am Ophidion, scourge of the seven seas, and the only official owner of a cannon that fires AIDS. I also fancy myself to be quite the connoisseur of fine/horrible pornography. Having a sophisticated pallet for this medium, one has to sample as much as possible so they don’t get behind (pun). This is my excuse for flogging the dolphin enough to have my eyes cross and sprout full Santa beards. Generally, porn has at least decent acting in it, or in the case of amateur porn, none at all. Amateur porn is excused of acting because it’s all about fucking, not about answering the door to a delivery man with six pounds of cock sticking through a pizza (this is an actual website). Normal porn, or porn with a message/theme HAS to have good acting in it however, or it ends up being a video of a guy your father’s age giving a hot beef injection to a female who is half the age of your toe nail clippings. Today I am going to talk about a short clip I downloaded a few weeks ago, but this video has been angering me since I trudged through it. I was quite surprised (well not really, but lets say I was) that there was a FFM porn with the title “MILF Hunter – Kay Parker – Taboo – Babysitter”. There are two words in that novel of an mp3 title that peaked my interest taboo (being a great 80’s porn series that featured some of the greatest porn stars of all time (Honey Wilder being one of them) and Babysitter. Now, I don’t know about anyone else, but fucking babysitters has to be pretty awesome, therefore the movie should be awesome and convincing. The fact that there was an actress’s name in the title means it wasn’t amateur porn thus the conclusion was made that this would have some decent acting in it. OH HOW WRONG I WAS. The first aspect of the movie that pissed me off is that the wife was smoking. Smoking, albeit sexy sometimes, is generally not something I want to see some broad who is about to get stuffed like a meaty pin cushion doing right before she gets her pork pocket stuffed. Next was the apparent lack of any rehearsal for this scene. The main actress had no fucking idea what her lines were and it was painfully obvious that she was searching for something to say between random hole encounters. News flash darling, looking like a retard is only sexy if you like fucking slack jawed creatures from the abyss that have no chance of escaping your herpes encrusted baby club, and just because you are fucking your babysitter (for a kid you don’t even have in the scene) your acting isn’t excused from being somewhat believable. The only thing that saved this movie was the fact that the red-headed babysitter was ok looking and her name was dynamite. Apparently, if you have a fire bush, your crotch has the potential to remove limbs and ruin coal miner’s lives. Other than that, I give this crappy movie one Droopy Dooner for excellence in the field of wasting my hard drive space.
Originally posted by qxx • Dec 01, 2006 01:17
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King Kong Your Monkey Ass Like Gorilla Monsoon
Yo everyone. This front page update is so sweet that it’s going to put you into an irreversible diabetic coma. So check your pancreas as the door, we’re jumping right into it tonight. Before I dump a confectionery fist of front page updating straight into your blood sugar levels, let’s talk about recruitment.
We’re currently recruiting for all classes except Shadowknights.
Updated Nov 26, 2006If you are an orphan and fit one or more of those classes listed above, then you should read our requirements on the Application forum. If you still want to be adopted into a family that will probably make you kneel on broomsticks and wash the toilet with your own toothbrush for even the slightest mistake, send Little Orphan Orruar or Daddy Warbucks Dalnoth a tell in game. If they think you’re worth $.02/hour to work in our Kunark sweatshops, pack your suitcase because you’ve been called up to the big leagues.
Last update, I told you we’ve gotten into Frostcrypt, Throne of the Shade King #2. And same as #1, we beat it like a losing greyhound. Indeed we are the 1st guild serverwide to beat Beltron the Shade King and the entire Frostcrypt raid arc. So let’s take the tour!
First up is the The Sleepless Guard event with the Overseer of the Cryptguard. This is probably the worst event in EverQuest at the moment. The only way it could get worse is if it AE’d stomach cancer and forcibly fisted your parents while pissing in your gas tank. The entire zone is pretty much the same way but whatever; they make it, we’ll beat it. And since we’re the only ones in it, they won’t adjust shit! We have to wait for the Hollywood guilds to get in there and cry about how difficult of a zone it is to raid in. Then like magic *snap* it’ll get ~fixed~.
Loot 
If you want to see the loot, check the update about FC #1 because it’s the same shitty augments we got from there. Call Ripley’s because I can’t believe it.
Next in line is Fridleif, World of Warcraft Master. I apologize for the lack of a photographic feast here. Just picture one of any of the three NPC models in any screenshot on this site for the past 8 weeks. Let your imagination just run wild with that cornucopia of monster models zzz…zzz… I forget exactly what I wanted to complain about in this encounter since after the Overseer event everything is just a blur of green giants, bugged encounters, random zone crashes and getting fucked on loot because the named drop giant meat/bones/balls. I’d like to drop my giant meat bone and balls in the eye of whoever designed this fuckin’ place. Moving on!
After that was Wulfnor the Gladiator a.k.a. more fuel for my silent rage.
Loot 
Then we have Harfange the Black.
After him we battled our way through some of the buggiest shit you’ve ever seen: Dealing with random 5 day lockouts, sporadic zone crashes, and one of the worst end-game encounters ever designed – Beltron the Shade King.
I don’t usually do this corny stuff but I really want to congratulate my Triality guildmates on being the 1st guild game-wide to defeat Frostcrypt.
Yes, I may sound bitter when writing about these events and that’s because 54 people going at these bugs, zone crashes, tons of rollbacks, random lockouts, shitty loot, sometimes lack of loot, and generally lame encounters, takes a lot of out you. But we held it together and really did put a hurtin’ on this whole entire raid arc. It really says a lot about our guild that through all of it we had a full raid on every night, ready to go. And that’s about the only positive thing to come out of this entire train wreck.
The Sad Cat of Serpent Spine’s message of the update.
Quotes
Humor Holocaust
Originally posted by qxx • Nov 18, 2006 20:39
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Ham On The Bone
Yo everyone. We’re going to be getting right into the hot sauce today because this front page update is huge. It’s like 50 pounds of awesome shit crammed into an even more awesome 10 pound bag; just over-stuffed with awesome shit. But! Before we get rolling here, lets talk about recruitment.
At this time we are looking for the following plebeians to wash our feet and feed us grapes:
Enchanter: 1
Updated Nov 8, 2006
Paladin: 1
Shadowknight: 1
Warrior: 1Now, if you feel like you want to apply and come personally drop grapes (peeled and seeded) into the mouths of your new overlords, you should pop onto our forums and read our application requirements. Still feeling up for a life of selfless servitude? Fantastic! Now send Orruar or Dalnoth a tell in game. When they give you the green light, go ahead and post an application. Bring plenty of fresh palms to fan your new masters because it gets plenty hot and steamy around here.
I don’t usually do this, and by ‘this’ I mean, show mercy upon a serf such as yourself, but! If you’re going to be an applicant and you also enjoy smoking copious amounts of ganja, like to the point where your heart beat literally slows down, you may want to tone it down, Loc. It’s not like we are a guild full of prudes or anything; half our shaman crew would snort thumbtacks if you asked them to. Just lately it seems that our applicant pool is smoking more than a duplex in southern California during the dry season and that doesn’t play out well in the hardcore EverQuest raid scene. Being able to pay attention is like the alpha omega of this shit. So all I’m saying is, if you smoke more than the stage at a Great White concert, you might want to at least not suck entirely while doing it.
Last time we spoke, I told you we were the 1st guild game-wide (lol, cockwaving) to break into Frostcrypt, Thone of the Shade King. And now, I’m going to tell you we are the first guild game-wide (lol, cockwaving) to rampage and wreck Frostcrypt, Throne of the Shade King. I mean, we stuck our boots into it’s cavernous mudhole and stomped our feet like a toddler that dropped his ice cream. We absolutely defiled this place.
But you don’t have to read about it, you don’t even have to try to imagine it. For the first time ever, Triality has a movie. You can relive these glorious moments, by our side, as we do drive-bys on Frostcrypt mobs from our steam-powered pogo sticks. The movie is 2 minutes and 10 seconds of pure EverQuest adrenaline. Set to the tune of Victory Strikes Again by the ever-enthusiastic Andrew WK. So wait no longer, click the picture below and live vicariously through the eye’s of your digital rulers.
Triality vs. Frostcrypt, Throne of the Shade King
36 MB .wmv format
Soundtrack:
Victory Strikes Again by Andrew WK
So as I was saying, we ran through the first of many installments of Frostcrypt, Throne of the Shade King. But don’t take my word for it, it’s much easier for both of us if you just enjoy the pretty pictures.
First up, first down: Three Brothers event with Hufdan.
I won’t complain about the shitty 130/130 augment with asstastic mods, though. I’ll let the images linked above kill any erection you may be sporting.
Next in line was the fine swine Gravelord Cotas in the Overwhelming Numbers event.
Expect to see that last augment in the sequel; Frostcrypt: We don’t just copy and paste the actual zone anymore, we do the loot tables too. Coming soon to an end-game near you!
I’m not even going to introduce Lorekeeper Bentolf from the Shades of Calm event to you. I’ll let his loot table and our raid chat do the talking.
We’re almost to the end here! The two Don Megas of Frostcrypt are within sight. First one we dropped knuckle hammers on was Hearol the Tactician – a fun event too by the way, forealz.
And finally, the last of the Mohicans: Lorekeeper Grenwald. This is truly an epic fight, worthy of praise and more gratitude than I certainly can conjure up for our friends at Echo Base.
But the greatest reward of them all came when we saw this:
And with that Frostcrypt, Throne of the Shade King #1 is dead and buried. What new and exciting lands of opportunity await our arrival?! Let me give you a hint.
Annihilators of Frostcrypt. Well, half of it anyway. So ya, we’ve gotten into Frostcrypt, Throne of the Shade King #2! or is it #3, technically? Who knows! All I know is we’ve already put a huge dent into the new one and you should expect another update in the very near future.
The Sad Cat of Serpent Spine’s message of the update.
Quoteskis
Humor Holocaust
Peace in your crease with a fistful of chicken grease.
Originally posted by qxx • Nov 04, 2006 16:56
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Bring Forth The Biledriver!
Yo everyone. It’s that time of the month again; time for a gnarly front page update. Only this update is extra-tubular because it comes after the release of the latest expansion, The Serpent’s Spine. So far TSS is pretty dope. No crazy alien bad guys or mysterious never before seen lore. We takin’ it back to the roots in this one, boy. Orcs, gnolls, kobolds, and even bixies are all up in this bad Larry. But with the good must come the bad. TSS is unlike any other expansion yet and as a public servant I feel it’s my obligation to remind everyone of the risks and dangers of TSS.
Now that you are all informed and taking the proper precautions, we can safely proceed with the infoz. But first, recruitment!
Bard: 1
Updated Oct 1, 2006
Berserker: 1
Enchanter: 1
Monk: 1Now before you go and have sexual relations with the application process, you should know the proper courting procedures. And here they are:
- Get yourself familiar with the post in the Application section of our forums entitled, “Before you apply read this”. Get to know our application process before taking it to the next level.
- Contact Orruar or Dalnoth before you apply.
- Once they give you the thumbs up, you can drop an application, fella. But make it good. If it looks like your AOL Members biography, you’ll probably get skeeted on. Extra bonus points if you can get your Magelo link to actually link to your Magelo.
So far, we’ve been flowing through this expansion like an incontinence-powered burrito. We’ve already got a body count deeper than a Vietnam veteran, when it comes to new ‘raid’ targets. Unfortunately, half of them were lay down Sallys and frankly, there’s not much of anything to report about them.
So here’s the good stuff. We’ll start with Triality’s first of many game-wide firsts in The Serpent’s Spine: the lean, mean King Odeen. This little rascal pulled out all the tricks to prevent us from smashing his face into a pile of shit. I’m not going to give away any radical spoilers but if I had to sum up this fight with one picture, we’d have to revert to the supreme know-it-all of our youth…
Fuckin Toad, man. Why the hell was he in every castle anyway? Never understood that one. Well anyway, you probably want to see the loots and what not.
What a crybaby. Well, this encounter is pretty fun, pretty challenging. But with the help of prayers, vitamins and our pre-raid ritual, we were able to best this foe and move on. Loots from this big hunk ‘a beefcake were:
And the fruit of our labors? Being the 1st guild into Frostcrypt, Throne of the Shade King of course! So you know there will much more to talk about around this here internets campfire.
Also, in a most anti-climactic manner, we beat Vergalid too /slow clap. Poor Vergalid, always the bride’s maid never the bride. Here’s his 15 minutes of fame. After this, he’s gonna be the Gary Coleman of TSS; popular then, forgotten thereafter.
And his cry-myself-to-sleep loot drops were:
So that’s the good word around here. Now that we’re in Frostcrypt we’ll be dropping mobs faster than a baby born prematurely on prom night. See ya soon!
The Sad Cat of Serpent Spine’s message of the update.
Originally posted by qxx • Oct 07, 2006 01:44
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Unified, the most forceful way to go.
Good evening ladies and gentlemen! It is approximately 4:53 AM, I have been a gatherin’ and a croppin’ screenshots for the past 5 hours. Just ask Kela! As hardcore as I am I will not sleep until all of the website fanatics have something to read when you roll outta bed in a few hours. I know exactly how you all feel. When Quarken use to do the website I use to go to bed anticipating the next days (or what would turn out to be the next week’s after his slack) website update. It was like waking up on Christmas morning and racing downstairs to see what Santa left you under the tree. I can’t deny you that feeling, so lets get this party started.
Recruitment Info
Berserker: 1
Druid: 1
Bard: 1
Necromancer: 1
Shaman: 1That list is DYNAMIC. It will change based on our needs in the upcoming days. The one-three-three-seven information for you applicants before applying:
- Register with our website.
- View the Applications forum.
- Read the post by Orruar titled, “Before you apply read this“.
- Talk to either Orruar or me (Dalnoth) before posting an application.
So, last time you heard from me Triality had just gotten access to Deathknell, Tower of Dissonance. Now, this zone is excellently designed. I just wish it had more content. It took us 5 days to reach the boss of the expansion Ayonae Ro.
Now we’ve rolled up on this rather distressed looking bard. We helped repel Mayong’s lackies from her chapel and she is just crazy for some reason about performing with her choir again. So we get down there to find out well Ayonae’s gonna wreck us and on top of it this church-going choir is gonna help. From a lore perspective I am totally lost. I have no fucking clue why we are here or why this bard is completely insane trying to kill us after we helped her but hey, the events were fun. I’d much rather have fun and interesting content than amazing story lines that make sense and a bunch of Hive Queen-esque events. Yes, in case you didn’t know, the Hive Queen raid sucked royal asshole.
We eventually beat her into submission, caught her off-guard, gave her the ol’ shocker treatment and trapped us a bard FOR ETERNITY!
The only music she heard was the pimp hand being laid upon her pretty face. Its a good thing when we trapped her, her loots were in a well concealed treasure chest under her robe.
A very nice job to everyone who logged on the Saturday of a holiday weekend at 4PM for the win.
Now, I know your probably wondering what the rest of the zone was like and where is the news post for the rest of it. It’s coming now because we absolutely destroyed the 4 events in this zone in about 5 days. So you get the whole shebang in one action packed news post.
The first event in Deathknell, The Tolling of Dissonant Bells, is also known as the Enforcer event. Basically you beat down some gargoyle’s while they try and reach this huge bell in the center of the tower to ring. If they ring it bad things happen like AE Death. After a couple attempts of strategizing we repelled the brutish gargoyle’s from the bell and advanced further into the the Tower of Dissonance.
What gets my Gold Medal of Swordocity and Awesomeness this expansion is this second encounter in Deathknell, Vertigo. It is a perfect balance. You need some DPS, tanks, rogues/bards, crowd control and last but not least you need some healing. That is the recipe for a win on this event but it is not just the balance which makes it my favorite. There are not many things I can say I do in EverQuest besides sneak/hide and backstab that makes me feel like a rogue. The rogue aspect of this encounter certainly gave me a thrill and chance to feel like a rogue and not an automated backstab machine. It was good times. I wish there were more encounters like this one. Eventually we progressed to the bottom of the Vertigo and drove Mayong’s vampiric-like spawns back through the portal from which they came.
I’m especially pissed off that I just lost an entire awesome paragraph here. So here is my best attempt to recreate it. Event #3, Unwelcome Guests, was nothing special; trust me. We won it. That’s all that matters.
Well, that wraps up the Prophecy of Ro expansion for us. Unfortunately this does mean it will most likely be the last news post I write until the new expansion. While I’m relieved to have a break after knocking out another update not even 2 weeks after the previous one which took me 8 hours to piece together. However I must disappoint: there is no Rot In Hell. I’m sure I could find something to rant about or get Fishlip up on the scene. There is really nothing better than calling him because he’s late for raids. You think hes asleep then he picks up and goes, “You caught me at the most inopportune of times Scotty!”. Then this chick grabs the phone and goes, “Hey Scotty, I’m about to give my man a blow job can he call ya back?!”. We then proceeded to call him back around 2AM with about 20 people listening to his phone conversation through the magic that is the internet. He was ranting about how blue-raspberry sweet tarts are gonna give everyone cancer, that Scientology is the way of life and many other things. So if you want a Rot In Hell, talk to Fishlip about the blue-raspberry sweet tarts.
I’m gonna take the opportunity, to use the what would be Rot In Hell space, to thank everyone who has been a part of Triality through out the years, allowing us to have the continued success in the end game that we do. What is so great about all this is that we all have a great time while achieving this success and that’s what makes this guild the place to be. It has truly been a pleasure and I would like to thank everyone who has had a hand in this making it possible. Don’t even think this is the end for me, I just needed to drop my regards for you all. You’ll be seeing plenty of me. Yeah, “I’m done, kid”.See you all next expansion!
Originally posted by Dalnoth • Jun 18, 2006 09:11
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Suddenly…I feel so invincible!
Greetings cholos and cholettes, I know this update is about a week late but there were mystical forces preventing me from writing this, I assure you. It was not pure unadulterated slackdom, which I’m sure you all are assuming. This update is action packed, with a lot going on around the world as well as Norrath. So, like always, I have a lot to say about these matters.
Let’s talk recruiting first. We have a very full roster right now but do have room for a few skilled players. If any more slots open up I will update this list ASAP!
Here’s what we are looking for:
Berserker: 1
Druid: 1 (Hatemongers need not apply)
Bard: 1We are ones for tradition around here. So if you read our website with any consistency you would know that you have to do the following things before applying:
- Register with our website.
- View the Applications forum.
- Read the post by Orruar titled, “Before you apply read this“.
- Talk to either Orruar or me (Dalnoth) before posting an application.
So last time we had an updateroo, we were finishing up Depths of Darkhollow and heading to tackle Prophecy of Ro hardcore. This expansion, as a whole, is pretty cool but there are some severe problems with it, that you’ll be hearing more of later. Let’s look at the positive right now. The Red Sox trounced the New York Skankies last night, we gave al-Qaeda’s #2 Islamic jihadist 1,000 pounds of American love and the guild as a whole is just as solid as the first time we dropped Overlord Mata Muram. Things couldn’t be better. With this new found momentum we made our way to Daosheen the Firstborn in search of a Deathknell, Tower of Dissonance key.
Remember all those amazing times on Overlord Mata Muram, where one person’s retarded action could have 54 of you sitting at your bind spot for 40 minutes? Well, this fight takes that to a whole new level and you can’t even Fortitude tank him for 10 seconds and hope a ranger dispels his ass kicking buff. In fact, all you can do is bend over and read, “You have taken 100,000 points of damage. LOADING PLEASE WAIT…“. Aside from the debacle of clicking the crystals in the wrong order 3 times before getting it right, this fight gets the Dalnoth Seal of Awesomeness. Just to make you think a little, what would you do if you were colorblind? They should have put text on the side of the red crystal to torment colorblind people, “I’m The Blue Crystal”. We eventually overcame our own demise and dropped this lay down Sally with great haste, and in return he dropped great loots.
Next up on the hit list is what is considered to be the Cockblockery of Deathknell access, which I disagree with for reasons other than difficulty. Sullon Zek, Mistress of Rage is, without a doubt, the hardest of the ‘gatekeeper’ mobs this expansion, with a very unique mechanism never seen in end-game raiding before. I think it’s a pretty cool idea aside from the whole ‘one person can fuck your entire raid over‘ thing. Which, by the way, I think needs to be yesterday’s trend because, quite frankly, it’s getting old. When somebody fucks up, you know what it should do? Exactly what it does on hatchet: kill them. If you fuck up really bad you can kill other dumbasses not paying attention too. It’s a win/win situation really. Anyway, after slamming our heads against this script for a solid 3 days to only be killed by one low intelligence soul not paying attention, we revised our strategy and took the log to the beaver.
She looks much better dead. 
I’d give you some awesome loot links if there were any.
In honor of Sullon Zek’s ‘amazing’ loot, I’m inclined to present you with this screenshot. Alright, that’s 2 out of 3 of the gatekeepers of this expansion’s end-zone down for all you go-getters keeping track at home. I can give you one guess of where we heading next. If you guessed to Suchun, Blood Warden of Solusek: You win the prize!
While this encounter was certainly not the hardest, I had a lot of fun learning it and think it is one of the better raids created for this expansion. There’s not much to be told about this fight other than Suchun is Blazzax the Omnifiend in disguise. If you want to know what he looks like I’m sure you can find a picture of him from one of our 3 year old website updates. Suchun felt The Pimp Hand of God, as a wise stoned mage from the Rathe server once said; completing our Deathknell flag and showering us with fine wares!
Suchun’s loots were 5 times what Sullon’s ‘Thuuli-esque‘ loots were. 
Triality is now flagged for this expansions end-zone.
We are anxiously awaiting the next patch to tackle the challenges that wait for us in Deathknell, Tower of Dissonance. As you know us, we always have our eyes on the prize.
Anyway, in the world that we call EverQuest, progression is the gossip on the street these days with Sony making the big announcement that they are releasing what is to be called the ‘Progression Server’. While I think this server is going to be fun, who the fuck cares about progression from 7 years ago? I want to talk about the here & the now: Prophecy of Ro. There are lots of good things about Prophecy of Ro, take the well designed raids for instance. However, one of the undebatable downfalls of this expansion is the horridly fractured and disjointed story line. They bounce from one obscene story arc to the next with no real regard for the other the story lines. I mean really, what does Mayong Mistmoore have to do with a giant green thing that has a gaping mouth with fangs for a head, a Blazzax the Omnifiend lookalike and Sullon Zek? I just don’t get it. Throw Ayonae Ro in there and now my head hurts.Aside from the atrocious story line, Prophecy of Ro boasts the most HORRID progression path since Shadows of Luclin, where cockblockery, training, and asshattery are all brought back. This is all in an effort to appeal to the whiny whores that are only happy if they are shitting on somebody else. A perfect example of this? Well, I don’t know how it is going to be after this patch but as of now, in order to get fully flagged for Deathknell, you need a piece of a staff off of this mob called Porthio the Second Born in Relic, the Artifact City. You’re probably thinking, “Well, Dalnoth, what is so bad about that? All keys require some kind of drop”. You are right. But what makes this an absolute brain fart on a designers part is the fact that the mob is a FIVE DAY respawn and drops SIX progression parts. To make matters even worse, Porthio is killable by Anguish level guilds and has tier 2 Demi-Plane loot on his loot table; focus effects and all. Not to mention he is required for a 10AC 90HP 10SV augmentation and he drops 1 of only 2 existing 190/160/160 augmentations in the game to date, making him a desirable farm target for end-game guilds who can kill him with 36 people. Coupled with the fact that Sony has packed 6 guilds, capable of killing this monstrosity, on at least 2 servers (Antonius Bayle and Maelin Starpyre), making it near impossible to fully flag your guild for Deathknell.
Prophecy of Ro, you have officially earned a warm spot in my heart.
Well, that’s all the fun filled action we have for you this evening. It’s officially 6:43 AM. I gotta get a few hours sleep before I need to be awake, conscious and functional. Until next time. Later, haters.
Everyone wants to be like Mike.
Originally posted by Dalnoth • Jun 09, 2006 12:47
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People try to be the king but the ace is back.
Yo everybody, I know what your thinking, “Dalnoth you are not Quarken Xired. What the hell are you doing?!” So to clear up some confusion, here is what is going down: Quarken has not been heard from in four weeks when he was supposed to update the front page. While we are pretty sure Nuntius took it up a notch, from threatening to use his coffee mug as a toilet, to mugging him in his sleep and tossing the body off the coast of Boston; we can’t be certain. Actually, that’s all a bunch of hogwash. Quarken is just on vacation right now but we have NEWS to report! Some month old news and some day old news. So, lets get rollin’. You know how it goes by now though. I’m not changing anything.
*Recruitment removed – see latest News post.*
Updated Jun 9, 2006As usual, you must first read the post titled “Before you apply read this” in our Application forums. After you read that and decide, “Hey that Fishlip guy may be crazy but he likes Walker Texas Ranger and I do too! Triality’s for me dood!”, your next job is to find Orruar or me (Dalnoth) in-game and send either of us a tell before you post on our lovely website. That’s right: TALK TO US BEFORE YOU APPLY.
So, I mentioned something about having month old news to report but that’s getting stuffed to the bottom. Because, for the past couple weeks or so, we have been wrestlin’ with the Hulkster of Darkhollow himself, Mayong Mistmoore.
After a multitude of attempts, Mayong taking several dives to 20,000 leagues under the z-axis and the obligatory Polar Kraken kill upon failure, prayers and vitamins would would prevail!
You gained raid experience!
The Demi-Plane of Blood is strangely silent. Though Mayong's body is unmoving, his presence can still be felt. His booming voice suddenly fills the halls of the Keep, coming from all directions.
Mayong shouts, 'I told you that I would be the victor of this encounter, regardless of the outcome.'
Mayong shouts, 'This is the sweetest victory I could have ever hoped for.'
Mayong shouts, 'The focused devotion and attention you demonstrated have lent strength and credibility to my divinity.'
Mayong shouts, 'You have unwittingly worshipped me, and you have martyred me.'
Mayong shouts, 'And thus was borne a new era upon the world of Norrath. My era.'
Mayong shouts, 'Let the world know that a new deity has joined the pantheon ... and his name is Mayong Mistmoore!'
Mayong shouts, 'To your credit, you are exceptional beings.'
Mayong shouts, 'Were you not so stubbornly opposed to all I stand for, you would have made welcome additions to my army of minions.'
Mayong shouts, 'Perhaps we will cross paths again under different circumstances.'
Mayong shouts, 'You would make fine immortals.'As a guild we have come a long ways from nearly disbanding in September to climbing back up and layin’ the ol’ stank down on Mayong, 7th serverwide. I’m not gonna type some War and Peace size shit giving you my analytical dissection of these encounters because that’s down right boring and I hate reading that shit on people’s websites. So here’s us ridin’ 54 niggas deep on Mayong’s turf. While 20 of them aren’t clerics, Grap counts for 20 people.
As Goruna’s eyepatch would say, “Check that one fer’ booty!”
Before there was Mayong, there was The Performer. This event is total badassery and we had a ton of fun learning it. There’s nothing that makes me more giddy than ANGERING THE MASTER by performing some of our quintet’s favorite hits. Seriously, this event is a work of brilliance. Eventually we finished our performance and there was much rejoicing.
So that’s it. Expansion #10 is down and we set our eyes on #11: Prophecy of Ro. While we have been getting our feet steady in this expansion, we have not really applied ourselves yet.
To get warmed up we rocked the dragons in Relic, the Artifact City, plus Porthio the Second Born as well as Legendary Berserker Bone droppers in The Devastation and Sverag, Stronghold of Rage to gain access to Razorthorn, Tower of Sullon Zek. You’ll soon see some action from that front, no doubt.
We also took a stroll into Suchun, Blood Warden of Solusek and Daosheen the Firstborn‘s hood, testing the waters. So, with a whole new expansion awaiting us, we’ll be taking our momentum that way soon. As for now, we’re gonna make like this was Ninja Turtles 2 add a little Vanilla Ice in there and jiggle a bit.
Adios, amigos.
The Funnies
Originally posted by Dalnoth • Apr 27, 2006 15:45
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This Deli Tray Is Unacceptable
Yo everyone. Before we git goin’ let’s talk about recruiting some more. Look on our forums under the Application section for our requirements. If you feel like you meet those and wanna floss and fly with Triality, then you should go ahead and send Orruar a tell in game. After that, he’ll give you the top secret handshake and you’ll be on your way to a being the next American Idol. Currently, this is what we’re seeking:
Berserker: 1
Updated Apr 23, 2006
Cleric: 1That list there changes when we fill or empty one of our luxurious positions. So keep checking back if we hate your class at the moment! You never know, soon we might love you.
Well, last we spoke, we had just killed Slipperyanus the Redfang and busted into tier 2 of the fabled Demi-Plane of Blood. Here’s a tier 2 spoiler you can feast on: Triality kicks the shit out of tier 2 Demi-Plane – more news at 10. The update here may seem a little vacant and that is because there is nothing to say about these events. This tier, so far, is chock full o’ lay down Sallys. I heard a lot of fuss and hog wash about the difficulty on some of these encounters. So I’m just gonna say this now; no analogies, no funny business: tier 2 is easy. Sorry we don’t need a 20 cleric complete heal chain for every mob. All the events are so self explanatory. They imitate Trial of Foresight’s and previous encounters’ dynamic pretty much all the time. So it’s nothing new. The events tell you exactly what you need to know to beat them. To have difficulty understanding them would mean you’re clinically retarded. If they got any more easy or obvious, the event would look like this:
So, let’s start with our most recent kill, Roley and Adrianna. We beat this event on our second attempt. This event is pretty cool and a bit different than the rest of the stuff in Demi-Plane. The best part is there’s no emotes, which is nice because half of the mobs in Demi-Plane look like ‘Other‘ spam to most of us and Entering The Guild Lobby…to the rest.
Devlin Rochester is next. We beat him pretty good in 4 attempts and haven’t had any trouble kicking his ass after that. The best part about this fight is the screenshot I got, look at that pelvic thrust. Simmer down ladies. This little slice of heaven is a fun fight. A bit too easy, but fun. The difficult portion is a little too random, so he can hand you your ass or lay down and take up the hoo-ha.
We also killed Tri Swallow III. We had a bit of difficulty putting this bitch in her place the first time. We got a little too bloodthirsty and made some incorrect judgement calls on how to ‘save’ her. This bitch has got some serious emotion issues; love me now, beat me later. Same old song and dance with these ladies.
So basically, 1 more encounter left til The Big Nasty Mayong Mistmoore himself. Being in tier 2 for only like 15 days, I’d say that’s pretty good. We’ll see how it goes. I hope I don’t sound too cocky writing this, because that isn’t the angle I’m going for, for once. But when you work to get to a certain point in this game, and then it turns out the fights are easy as this, it’s pretty much a let down. I hope The Performer kicks our asses for weeks, so when we finally beat him we’re all amped and shit. Tough to get that rewarding ” beating Mata Muram feeling” when you walk up to some encounter, slap it in the face and just straight eat it’s pudding. Know what I mean?
Now, if you read this a few hours ago when I published it, right about now you’re saying to yourself, “Hey, did this update just grow words and shit?” Ya, it did. I’m a talkative son of a gun and those empty, more-boring-than-ever 1 liners about the fights kept me up all night. So I came here to spam you more with hot info. I feel better and now I can go to sleep for 43 minutes.
Originally posted by qxx • Mar 07, 2006 05:38
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Ya Get Skeeted On
Yo everyone. Don’t adjust your television set – this is an actual timely update. I think it’s been about a month since the last update, which is some sort of land speed record for me. Grap threatened to do something that involved his teeth and my testicles if I didn’t crank this bad Larry out by tonight. So in a valiant effort of testicular preservation, you got something to read and I can safely fondle myself to 1980’s aerobic tapes…still.
Well, by now you know the drill. Before we get to the meat ‘n badaytas of these here updates, we got recruiting to discuss. And ya, we’re recruiting. So, if you think you got the cojones to rock the casbah, if you think you’re goatz enough to have sex with our raids, then you should do a couple things. First, you should go to our Application forums and read our requirements. Then after that, when you decide you got the swordocity, you need to send Orruar a tell before you apply. So, we’re recruiting some ninjas for these classes:
Bard: 1
Updated Mar 5, 2006
Beastlord: 1
Berserker: 1
Magician: 1
Warrior: 1
Wizard: 1That’s a dynamic list. It may change before your very eyes. We keep it updated for our needs, so check back if we don’t want your kind around here at the moment.
So, we’ve been romper stomping through The Demi-Plane of Blood some more. Things are getting better up in here. The first two encounters were shit, but these next two fights are pretty damn fun.
After banging out the Wailing Sisters, we headed on up to Hatchet the Torturer. This fight is pretty slick. Aside from the occasional ‘mandatory audio trigger candidate’ or some app strapping Hatchet to his chest and suicide bombing the raid like a coffee shop on the Gaza Strip, we devastated this sloppy Sally. This fight is pretty cool even though I can’t play Star Wars: Battlefront 2 during it. It’s got some adds, some emotes, some death bombs but best of all: it’s got bear traps. I can’t believe EverQuest has been out, what? 5 years and this is the first time we’ve seen bear traps. In case you didn’t know, the Top 3 Coolest Things To Ever Exist go: Plinko, television’s Willie Aames & Bear Traps. Don’t ask me why. That’s just the way things are; I don’t make the rules. Now, I may make a couple suggestions here and there, but this isn’t a suggestion – it’s a demand: More bear traps.
14 days. You have 14 days. If after that time more bear traps are not added to EverQuest, I am deleting my characters, and cancelling all of my accounts.
The rest of my guildReally, nobody else will follow suit, but still: 14 days. After that I’m gonna take myself to some other popular MMO that has an excessive amount of bear traps. If you can’t hang with the bear traps, I’ll settle for a 18 player Willie Aames ring event. I can see it now:We enter a dungeon with dragons. We’re in Illusion: Scott Baio of course when suddenly we’re overrun by all different mobs of each of Willie Aames’ roles. We’re just trying to slay as many ‘Buddy Lembecks’ from Charles in Charge and ‘Himselfs’ from Celebrity Fit Club: Season 2 as we can while they’re charging at us from every direction all willie nillie. They begin casting Spell: Eight Is Enough which Death Touches 10 of your 18 players after 1 season – just like the real Willie usually was! Actually, you know what? Forget the bear traps, you have 14 days to make this dream an EverQuest reality.
An enrage Willie says, ‘Time to die a Quarken’
Alright, what were we talking about before my odd infatuation with Willie Aames started steering my brain? Oh right, Demi-Plane. Okay so after we finished burying Hatchet, we went to see what Sanguimanus the Redfang was all about. He was all about kicking our ass apparently but it wasn’t long until we power bombed his sanguine anus into a bed of broken beer bottles. Even though there is a sickening lack of bear traps in this event, it’s really enjoyable.
You didn’t think I was gonna get this here update done without a lil’ bit o’ bitchin’, did ya? Is there a more useless effect to put on a Knight only item than Echo of Anger? Demi-Plane loot is a bit retarded in general anyway, but I’ll save that for a rainy day. Still, EoA on a Knight only piece of gear is a bit of a brain-dead mod. That’d be like putting a +20 Whining mod on a Druid only item or a +10% AFK mod on a Quarken only item. How much more aggro do you guys think Knights need? They have oodles, so this is a waste. It’s a wasted slot where a useful focus could be instead.
Well, that’s the whole shebang today. We’re now entering tier 2 of Dreadspire of Blood, The Keep of Demi-Plane and you know you’ll be getting hot sizzling updates for your chubby American jowls to slobber over. You come on over again, you precious little glutton you.
On the eve of a new expansion, we all go to bed with the anxiety and excitement only rivaled by Christmases and threesomes. With thoughts of new zones and farmable loot running through our heads, it’s hard to calm one’s self. This time though, I feel a little different. As much as I’m trying to imagine all the laggy zone particle effects, over-farmed attuneable loot and click-here-to-zone-in topography, I can’t stop thinking of gnomes.
I know it’s a little cliche to complain about gnomes. Those adorable biscuits have been popular in EverQuest since day 1 and their fame isn’t dwindling. But sometimes, I feel a little bit like, what happened to the other races, ya know? Like, why’s it always a gnome explorer fuckin’ up? Aren’t gnomes supposed to be smart? Why they always fuckin’ up? Why they always getting lost in zones and shit? Maybe we’ll take it a step further and make a task where you have to save a party of gnomes, who got captured trying to save another gnome?! The ultimate task!
Like Cicero Quikwire, the latest gnome to follow in a great line of gnome failures. Maybe I missed the obvious indications we were chasing a gnome in these missions, but when we popped that cocoon open and a gnome shot out, a little part of me died that day. I kinda wanted to throw down my swords and Jake-the-Snake-DDT his bald spot into the ground and send his lifeless body to Ak’Anon with a note pinned to his shirt that reads, “If any of you leave this city again, I’ll orphan your children and widow your wives”. But I can’t do that. Those options are inexplicably unavailable in EverQuest. So I had to just rescue this fuckin’ guy but mark my words: I’m going to go to Ak’Anon to reprogram the King to be a fuckin’ Roomba® or something.
You may wonder why it took someone this long to bitch about the gnome themed everything in this game that’s been plaguing us for years now. I personally wouldn’t brought it up if it wasn’t for Depths of Darkhollow. Because when I zoned into Corathus Creep for the first time and I didn’t see just gnomes, but fucking robotic gnomes – and a ton of them. A line had to be drawn.
So on the dawn of Prophecy of Ro, I know it’s a little too late to avoid the gnome assault, but next-next expansion, please make some tasks that maybe have a Barbarian who got lost looking for ale, a Dwarf that got lost mining some gems or an Erudite who got lost looking for fat white women.
Originally posted by qxx • Feb 21, 2006 04:12
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Black & Huge
Yo everyone. So ya, this update should’ve been done a week ago or so. I slacked a bit. If this is your first time reading our site, that sort of thing doesn’t happen often – scout’s honor. Typically, I’m so punctually on top of things that I stream our raids on real-time video feeds with live commentary provided by some of the internet’s most esteemed MMO talking heads and the day’s hottest celebs.
Before we get into the hot new action, we are recruiting! Keep a look back here, this list will change depending on our needs.
Bard: 2
Updated Feb 17, 2006
Berserker: 1
Cleric: 2
Enchanter: 1
Magician: 1
Paladin: 1
Wizard: 1If you feel our lovely guild is the place you want to be, send Orruar a tell in game before you apply.
So, according to the last update, we had beaten Emperor Draygun, the Lich King and Sendaii, the Hive Queen, which were the last 2 raids we needed for the big 5 out of 5 in the cursed blood department. No, I’m not talking about super AIDS. I’m talking about the convoluted plot device that leads us closer and closer to the end-game of Darkhollow. Now that we had the 5/5 locked down, there was one last thing we needed to do in order to be able to get into The Demi-Plane of Blood. That last thing was kicking the tears off that weepy vampire bitch Master Vule the Silent Tear. We hadn’t really been putting time into killing Vule yet. We were really focused on juicing our curse counter up to a full 5 first. Even still, we ran up through Dreadspire and quickly gave Master Vule a dramatic death that any goth would be proud to receive.
And with Master Vule’s death, we were ready to bring The Big Orange Machine into The Demi-Plane of Blood.
The first fight we have in front of us is Zi-Thuuli of the Granite Claw. This fight consists of sitting at the zone in and pulling trash until he randomly pops. Then you fight him and he depops. Do that 4 times and, hooray, you move onto bigger and better things. Am I talking shit about this event? Not really. If I made it sound boring and brainless then that’s not my fault. That’s just exactly what happens; a perfect description of the fight. I didn’t even mock it with witty hilarious one-liners or clever color commentary. I personally think it’s boring, but it’s not a big deal. It’s the first fight in the zone and usually things get better the deeper in you get. Like a butthole.
So, with The Notorious Zi-T dead, what’s next? We stroll upstairs for some more of this hot Dreadspire, erm I mean, Demi-Plane action and Drama queen alert: We’ve rolled up on three sister’s who are all fighting over The Master’s dick piece. For some reason, we gotta help one of these strangers succeed in getting laid. I just sat here for 5 minutes, half a glass of diet coke and 2 cigarettes trying to figure out a way to tell the tale of this splendiferic event and I got nothin’. This event sucks. It’s all about talking to NPCs, killing trash that repops and that’s it. The entire raid sits there while a few people HAIL NPCs. Don’t believe me? Let’s have Fishlip explain this event to you:
For true. This event would be cool if it was a 1 group instance that was optional. Basically, so nobody would ever have to do it. Because nobody would. Ever. Because hailing NPCs isn’t fun. Whatever though, we beat it. Here’s the loots:
We’re pretty close to beating the next fight up in Demi-Plane. So come back soon and I’ll spin you a tale all about it.
So, this update should’ve been done 3 or 4 days ago, maybe more. I just couldn’t gather the stamina to do it because, frankly, I wasn’t excited about any of the fights. There’s nothing to write about them – they suck. We got into this new zone and it sucks. The Hatchet the Torturer fight we’re working on now seems fun. I dig it. And the fights we haven’t seen could very well be awesome and shit. So, I may be out of line right now because I’m ignorant to what the rest of the zone contains but whatever, I’ll say it anyway.
How the fuck do you get away with making the end zone an exact replica of a previous zone? How? That shit wouldn’t fly a few years ago. Remember? A Few years ago? When you actually drew in new players so you had to keep the good shit coming? The end zone was something you always looked forward to, something that made you go, “shit, that’s dope” when you zoned in. Something unique looking. You made the end zone of this expansion an exact replica of Dreadspire Keep. Are you guys that lazy? The couple of weeks after Depths of Darkhollow was released, I was really digging the geography of it all. A few friends, who are retired, logged on to ask about it. I kept saying how neat all the zones were. They are pretty creative zones; a lot of vertical space, which is a relatively new design style. It gave this expansion a different feel to the others. So why the fuck did you drop the ball when it comes to the end-zone? Shit doesn’t make any sense. I can’t tell you how much of a let down it is.
I personally think it’s because the majority of the player base today is never going to see it. So you spend all your time cooking up these cool looking experience zones anyone can get into. But when it comes to the small portion of the player base that is going to spend the time working their asses off to get into the one exclusive zone, you just fuck it all up. You know we, the hardcore players, are going to be here tomorrow. We’ll raid whatever you throw at us. We’ll beat it no mater how shitty it is. And you know this. So, why bother making it all snazzy and cool? Why bother putting any effort into making a hot looking end-zone? Right? Ya, that’s right.
There aren’t enough popular guild site’s that criticize your mistakes. Which is a shame because it used to keep you on your toes. You’d listen to the feedback, make some changes etc… Now it’s like, all those popular sites people trafficked went to World of Warcraft and you finally can sit back and slack, pumping out bullshit without the player scrutiny. Whatever. I’ve spent 5+ years of steady playing, keeping at the top of this game, because I enjoy it. So excuse me if I get offended when you make a zone that is a total crock of fucking bullshit. So excuse me when I gotta honk the ‘You done fucked up’ alarm while I sit through some piece of shit encounter you obviously put no effort into making. If there weren’t people telling you your fuck ups, you’d just continue to fuck up either because you 1.) Are ignorant to how people feel or 2.) You just don’t give a shit.
Above: An example of a Serious Man™ There’s no rational explanation. People who design this game, who designed this expansion, got together and shared ideas with what the zones should contain, what they should look like, who they are designed to be played by, etc.. So when Dev1 said, “Hey, let’s save some time and money, we can copy/paste the Dreadspire Keep file and call it Demi-Plane” – why didn’t anyone slap the skin off him? I’m seriously asking.
Enough of that Serious Man™ talk – let’s giggle.
Originally posted by qxx • Jan 16, 2006 11:37
