• Quarken Era (2004-2013)

    Meat Sandwich

    Yo everyone. If you would all do me a small favor and pretend you’re reading this like 4 days ago, that would really help. Because I slacked hard enough that Nuntius disobeyed his monastery, broke his vow of silence and actually said something, it was to the effect of, “Update the site or I will shit in your coffee”. Since I prefer my coffee with a little cream, 1 sugar sans human excrement, here I am and here you are, so let us begin with a story…

    First, we’re still looking for some Clerics and Druids to join up. So, if you’re interested, send Orruar a tell in-game before your apply. Check our requirements in the Application section of our forums. Also, if your application is going to look like an excerpt from a 16 year old girl’s GeoCities blog – please don’t bother! Now, where were we…

    Slack Level Alert: Yellow

    Since it is 7:30 AM, I haven’t slept and I’m fresh out of cowboy killers, we’re going to skip straight to the end. The end of Gates of Discord, that is. We’re here to tell you we absolutely molested Tunat’Muram Cuu Vauax. We beat him so bad that we almost felt good about killing an event that should have been beatable 8 months ago.

    8 months after

    Here is his loot minus the 2 rhi-dick-you-less augments we got. I won’t even grace them with the fame and fortune that is sure to come after being featured on our prestigious website. Those augments have to be an oversight because even a chest clapping downy wouldn’t put MNK/BST on 1HS augment and not put MNK/BST on the 1HB augment intentionally. Right? Right?!

    We’ve also been rampaging around in the Asylum of Anguish and grabbing up Epic 2.0s like they were Cross Colours in ’88. Shut up – you wore them. Don’t deny it. I mean, I didn’t wear them but you definitely did.

    The Funny

    Originally posted by qxx Feb 06, 2005 8:05
  • Quarken Era (2004-2013)

    Immortal Corrupters

    Yo everyone. It’s been a while since we’ve had a real update here and don’t think for a second I didn’t hear about it everyday! Truth be told, there isn’t much to update you on – nothing interesting anyway. Since the Muramite Proving Grounds trial raids are totally janked, we’ve been spending our non-Anguish raid time in Tacvi, Seat of the Slaver, killing those guys again to get the ‘upgraded’ loot which is a lot like getting rid of hemorrhoids: Good for you but nobody wants to hear about it. So that’s what was happening. Now, let’s talk about what is happening.

    To do that, we shift our focus towards that lovely Asylum we call Anguish, which people do want to hear about! Our latest role-playing experience took us to this jive turkey named Jelvan, who selfishly enlisted our help to kill these three Tormentors who have been, judging by their name, tormenting him for quite some time – deep storyline breakdown there. He said he would help but I guess his idea of helping was more like not helping. So, once again relying on our council of seasoned strategists and elite tacticians…

    …we threw ourselves against Jelvan’s arch-nemesisises Tanthi, Tantho and Tanthu the Tormentors. What the 3 vowel brothers lack in the creative-name department they make up for in the kill-you-in-ten-seconds department.

    Nonetheless, we eventually brought the hammer down on their asses.
    Jelvan was forever grateful, I GUESS.

    In conclusion, the moral of the story is: When you are forced to help someone and you sacrifice your life repeatedly for a cause you know nothing and care nothing about, you will be rewarded with shitty loots that leave you feeling cold, sad, vulnerable and alone, as they run away, disappearing into the night.

    Thanks for nothing, Jelvan, you think-for-yourselfer.

    In a related story, all 3 loots fit snugly in Jelvan’s anal cavity.

    *Holy Cow™, that’s a lot of The Funny

    (*Holy Cow™ is ©2005 Naturalhealer Evertease • All Rights Reserved)

    This is something out of the ordinary, but under the circumstances, I’ll let it slide this time! This update is going to have a Rot In Hell: Special Astaren Edition. So sit back and enjoy the angst powered by the world’s smallest penis:

    Rot In Hell: Special Edition

    by Astaren

    In case you haven't noticed, for the last couple updates there hasn't been a 'Rot in Hell'. Trust me, this has NOTHING to do with there being a lack of things that piss us off. Quarken is just a busy man. I mean, between all of the 'So the Red Sox won the World Series, what can we bitch about now?' meetings and the never ending influx of 'OMG UR MONK IS SO L33T' tells, I am amazed he finds time to update the site at all! This being said, I decided that I would take time out of my busy schedule of luring people in to asking what 'dees' means to bring you a 'Rot in Hell', Astaren style.
    Few people outside our guild know me very well, as I tend to not waste my time associating w/ retards. So before I begin, I will give you a little background about myself. I am a Shadowknight. And as most of you know, Shadowknights tend to be pretty pissed off most of the time. There is an ongoing debate about how this comes about. Sort of a 'chicken or the egg' kind of thing. Do people become bitter and hateful while they are playing their Shadowknight, or do they choose to play a Shadowknight b/c they are bitter and hateful? Who knows. All I know is that rarely a day goes by that something doesn't piss me off. Whether it is in game or the real world, I am constantly amazed at people's ability to come up w/ ways to make themselves look stupid. Be it a group that thinks it is kosher to intercept my named pull in WoS b/c they think I cannot solo it and forcing me to drop 30+ pissed off dragorns in their camp, or the guy who works at the convenience store near my apartment who is totally deaf and relies on lip reading to figure out what I am asking for, there is always something for me to gripe about. For this installment, I have decided to give all of the in game degenerate retards a break and focus on something near and dear to my heart in the real world: Shitty drivers.
    I like to drive. It is easily in my top ten list of 'most favorite things to do'. There is nothing like opening it up and cruising along at some insane speed, with the sunroof open and the stereo blasting. Jimmy Buffett once said 'A good pilot anticipates, and bad pilot reacts'. I have tried to model my driving after this phrase for as long as I have been behind the wheel. When I drive, that is what I am focused on. All of my attention is devoted to the road and everything that goes along with it. I am aware of everything that is going on with my vehicle and around it. To me, this only makes sense. I mean, you are in a 3000lb+ piece of machinery moving at high speed, it only makes sense, right? I am no math genius, but even I can comprehend what is going to happen if my 3000lb+ piece of German engineered ultimate driving machine goodness impacts YOUR piece of shit 3000lb+ rusted out pile of crap 1985 Buick Le Sabre. In a nutshell, you are going to really piss me off.
    So why then is it that SO many people pay SO little attention while they are driving? This, my friends, is the ultimate question. How could you possibly think it is ok to apply makeup or converse on a phone while driving a 1.5 ton instrument of death? What could possess someone to drive 50 mph in the fast lane WHEN THERE IS A CLEAR POSTED SPEED LIMIT OF 70 mph? This is easily one of life's greatest questions. Have no fear though, loyal Triality band wagon riders, I am going to solve this mystery for you.
    It is actually relatively simple, and can be summed up in one short sentence: People are stupid. Nothing else really needs to be said other than this, but I will elaborate for the more simple-minded of those who are enjoying this update (read: Grap). It is nothing more than simple lack of focus that causes accidents. With the rare exception of weather induced wrecks, EVERY accident on the highway could be prevented if dumb asses would only pay attention to what they are doing. Yes, if you have ever thought it would be a good idea to freshen up your mascara while driving, I am talking to you. If you ever thought it would be a great time to call your Mom and tell her about how your Nascar loving, mullet having boyfriend is treating you like the piece of shit white trash skank that you are while driving home from the swap meet, I am talking to you. If you ever thought putting a 'Rest in Peace #3' sticker on your 1987 IROC actually MADE you drive like Dale Earnhardt, I am talking to you. If you ever thought that driving next to someone on the highway, going the exact same speed they are, WHEN THERE IS NO ONE W/I A MILE IN EITHER DIRECTION OF YOU ON THE ROAD while I am trying to pass was a stroke of insightful brilliance, I am talking to you.
    If, while reading this update you have felt any kind of nagging feeling that I just MIGHT be directing this towards you, please do us all one simple favor. Hop in to your vehicle, roll your windows up tight and lock your doors. Now proceed to the nearest lake and drive off of a pier into the water. If all of the retarded, no driving skill having, pieces of road fodder will only follow this simple advice, the road will become safer place for all of us who actually enjoy driving and put some effort in to making it a safe means of transportation. But for those of you who will continue to insist on pissing me off with your 'In case of rapture, this vehicle will be unmanned' bumper sticker having cars, I hope you Rot In Hell.

    Originally posted by qxx • Jan 15, 2005 18:10
  • Quarken Era (2004-2013)

    We’re Not Happy ‘Til You’re Not Happy

    Konnichiwa, bitches. This is our first real front page update in a while. Even though it’s 120° degrees in this room and there’s enough sweat on my ass to drown a camel, I’m going to put my nose to the grindstone and give ya the tizight update. Holla at’cha boy.

    I’ve been slacking some since last update. If you’re surprised, go splash some cold water on your face and come back when you’re ready. Good? Okay. The Red Sox made the playoffs and they are being led by the EverQuest junkie that is Curt Schilling. Schilling is the living amalgamation of the only 2 things in this world I love: EverQuest and Red Sox baseball. Hmm, love is such a strong word – fanatically obsessed to an unhealthy degree is slightly more accurate. So, me being balls deep in playoff baseball hype explains why no front page updates lately. That could also explain why I’m missing some pictures of the loot we’ve been getting – and by could I mean definitely. Don’t run away yet though – there’s still 30 pictures of deliciously fresh new loots down below.

    Ya so, last update I said we finished two Trials of Mastery in Muramite Proving Grounds. For reference, here’s our status as of yesterday:

    Now you’re probably saying to yourself, aloud and quite retardedly, “LOL dood, thers six trials. haev u done teh other one??” That’s why I said, “status as of yesterday“! Ha. Ha. I’m just so clever. That’s what we in the business call a ‘teaser’. Because guess what we did tonight?! If you guessed ‘defeated the Mastery of Hate trial and got access to the Asylum of Anguish‘ then congratulations – you get to drink from the fire hose!

    Indeed, the Mastery of Hate trial has been Dickeyed™

    We’re super anticipating the non-bugged, totally completed & non-cockblocking zone that definitely lies ahead of us. We’ll be popping into Anguish soon, only to probably get chain mez’d by some ridiculous AE…or something…I’m guessing……Regardless, Dickeyes™ will be promptly distributed and front page updates on this here website will follow “immediately” – what I consider “immediately”.

    Other than that, we’ve been hitting up Tacvi, Seat of the Slaver on occasion still, as well as Riftseeker’s Sanctum and, of course, those Epic 2.0 quest things. Now for the loots of our efforts!

    The Fishlip Collection

    The Deez-N.U.-Teez Collection

    Assorted Teh Funny

    Misc. Funny

    Originally posted by qxx • Oct 15, 2004 01:05
  • Quarken Era (2004-2013)

    Tacvi: Instanced For Her Pleasure

    First of all, folks, I think we can all agree we’re through with this uncreative tongue twisting naming system. It started slow, peaking around Vex Thal, and it’s not going away anytime soon. You’ve heard it all before and I’m just a redundant bastard but…it’s bad enough having to think about it when typing this business but you also have to train your fingers to go to these odd character combinations to get the names right. God forbid you make a typo on one of these words, you’ll have a gaggle of know-it-all-nazis racing to spell it correctly in guild chat just to make you look like a silly goose.

    Which is why I’m so happy we’re in Tacvi, Seat of the Slaver. You can almost say that word in English and have it sound natural! Oh ya, we’re in Tacvi now. Don’t you like how I just nonchalantly mentioned that? Truth is, I’m writing this just after we finished getting into Tacvi and I’m still jacked up from kicking Zun’Muram Tkarish Zyk‘s ass but I just wanted to sound like an egotistical bastard; mission accomplished.

    On a serious note, we really are steamrolling content. We haven’t had any major setbacks yet and we’re running like a machine. A good machine too; not one of those shitty generic machines. But, as always, we need to be bigger, stronger and faster. So, if you’re a cleric and you meet our requirements, you should really think about dropping an application. We would love to have you! /smilez

    Ok, let’s get down to the brown. Aside from mauling the assorted content that is in Txevu, Lair of the Elite (see below), we absolutely demolished Zun’Muram Tkarish Zyk tonight. Let me lay out the events of tonight with chronological pictures as a visual aid.

    Our very first Tacvi kill! It was a touching moment. /sniff They grow up so fast. Zun’Muram Tkarish Zyk loots were:

    I know we haven’t had a front page update in a while but we’ve been too busy tearing the ‘phonetically challenged’ zone that is Txevu into pieces. Let us show some Before & After pictures of some stuff we’ve killed as of late. As usual the After pictures are much more sexy.

    Here’s some assorted shots of the loot we’ve gotten from Txevu and such. I kept it organized for a while…then I slacked. You can play some sort of matching game where you match the loots with the mob that drops it. Email me your answers and the first person to get them all right gets a big prize of absolutely nothing. May the best man win.

    So that is all for now, I promise I’ll be putting better and more frequent updates up on here.

    Now, this is the part of the update that I write something to take up space when I have nothing else to write. If you care, I’m going to complain about Almond Joys, the ‘candy bar’.

    Have you ever heard the expression, “Like a kid in a candy store”? Of course you have. That expression can suck it because children are poor and the only thing I picture when I hear that is a depressed child surrounded by aisles of candy that he/she can’t buy. On the other hand, I’m rich and live a luxurious life. So when I went food shopping I happened upon the candy aisle and the little kid part of my brain kicked in and for no apparent reason, except for because I can, I bought a whole like 60 count box of Almond Joys. I don’t even like Almond Joys. It was just the first thing I saw and I had to have them. Not unlike that horrible expression, Almond Joys are deceitful and false when it comes to their name. They should be called, ‘Borderline FDA approved chocolate covering TWO fucking almonds swallowed in a sea of coconut…Joys’. Not only were these not Joyful but they were barely Almond. I’m pretty sure I have pancreatic cancer now because of ingesting these bastards. Try playing EverQuest all jacked up on AJs (that’s what we call them on the street: AJs. You gotta be down to know that). Your eyes will be the size of hubcaps and your leg(s) won’t stop shaking until you puke and pass out. I hated them but I couldn’t put them down. It’s the Devil’s candy, don’t give in. In conclusion:

    Originally posted by qxx • Jul 31, 2004 11:56
  • Quarken Era (2004-2013)

    Noq, Noq, Noqing On Txevu’s Door

    Summer is here and that means nothing, but I couldn’t figure out a better way to start this update. What’s in the news? Sadly, Ronald Reagan passed away. Never to be outdone, the Pepsi loving singer/songwriter/pianist/blind prodigy, Ray Charles had to ‘one-up’ Ronnie by dying only a few days later. I guess we know who was a closet Communist.

    Moving right along, the word on the street is our News author has moved on. Thankfully, she didn’t die like our beloved ex-president or Ray ‘Iron Curtain’ Charles. So I’ve been lucky enough to be granted the responsibility of updating the front page of the website for now. I’m already slacking though, I didn’t know I’d be doing an update so screenshots and moneyshots might be in short supply, next time I’ll have more…but don’t quote me on that.

    So since the last update, we’ve killed Vrex Barxt Qurat a bunch in the wonderful land of Uqua, the Ocean God Chantry Russian roulette *on*. We’ve been spending ample time in Qvic, Prayer Grounds of Calling just checking it out. In Qvic, we’ve done some slapping around of those half woman-half water buffalo? things and we’ve been getting an ass ton of Muramite molds and some neat augments (90hps/90mana) from them. We’ve killed Cynosure Kvanjji and the Zoo ring event (Iqthinxa Karnkvi) a few times; got some loot, shown below.

    Beyond that we spent a few days lollygagging around Inktu’Ta, the Unmasked Chapel. Oh the fun times we had, it was splendid. We killed us a Kelekdrix, Herald of Trushar a few times. Then, it happened. What happened, you ask? Stonemites happened. Everywhere.

    Let me tell you something about stonemites and Inktu’ta. Stonemites are pretty much the fat girl of Inktu’ta. I know I probably just insulted 90% of the female EverQuest population but it’s OK, I’m sure you all have fantastic personalities and are wonderful conversation. Let me explain. You know when you go to the bar, and you work your way through the crowd and all the bullshit to the bar for a drink, and you eye this cutie just across the way. After you drink yourself beyond cirrhosis of the liver, you walk over and go to talk to her. That’s when the fat, ugly, over-possessive friend shows up (who was probably in the bathroom futilely applying makeup to her behemoth face) and does everything in her power to cockblock you. You’ve got your eye on the prize, but you can’t get it until you get past her. It usually ends up the same way every time: You standing naked back where you started, surfing for porn while you wait for your rez…I mean, until you go out again. So in Inktu’ta, you see your goal, you go for your goal but before you can get there a million fat girls, I mean stonemites, fall on you saying things like, “Oh no girl, you came here with me, you’re going home with me”. Eventually we got our friend drunk enough that he would take the stonemites back to his place and fuck them kill them.

    That message was Inktu’ta letting us know we were about to get laid.

    Then, much like picking up a random bar whore, we got death touched…a lot. When we finally got to the clinic, we had our shot at Noquifel on Monday, Jun 7th. We smoked him down right quick and got our little token into Txevu. I hate to throw roses at ourselves, but it was a Vazaelle 1st. Actually, I’m more than happy to throw roses at us, pat our own backs and suck our own dicks…metaphorically speaking…not actually, you know, nothing, never mind.

    Txevu is a fun place. I was in high hopes that it would be 6% xp per kill, alas, it is not. We were plowing through looking for a fine bitch to get loot from and we found a room with a few sexy Ukuns in it: an event! Forgetting what happened to us just one night ago, we smoothly, strutted on over across the bar to work our magic but wouldn’t you know it: stonemites, by the millions.

    Unfortunately, our friend learned his lesson the first time and he wouldn’t take them home tonight, no matter how drunk we got him. So, we had to pass this event by for now and find some girl who was alone, follow her to her car and then…erm, ya so we found some other named to kill. I actually have some alibis screenshots!

    Well, that’s our status for now. I’ll try to keep updates coming regularly and remember: stonemites need lovin’ too.

    Originally posted by qxx • Jun 11, 2004 18:22