Yo everyone. Starting these updates is more difficult than it may appear. I’m having some serious writer’s block trying to get this bitch rolling and I don’t want to cheat you out of the phenomenal front page update that you’ve become so accustomed to reading here at TrialityGuild.com. But guess what? I’m going to do just that. Maybe next time I’ll be full of ideas and inspiration then it’s like it all comes out in the wash – ya know? Fantastic then.
Before we dig into the latest greatest victory of Triality, I need to mention that we’re recruiting. This is how you, a zero, becomes an us – a hero. And do we ever have openings:
Cleric: 1Updated Sep 25, 2005
Enchanter: a billion
Contact Llohannis or Grap in game before you apply. There are requirements in our Application section on the forums. Check them out and if you meet those requirements and you’re one of those classes listed above, drop us an application faster than a surprise homecoming bathroom abortion.
So, we’re still absorbing loot like a Dyson™ in the Asylum of Anguish. Even more so since Overlord Mata Muram has been gimped beyond comprehension with the revelation of Mask Conspiracy ’05. If you haven’t heard yet, check your favorite message board of whining, uninformed bags à la douche. I’m sure you’ll get the whole story and then some. Luckily, we made it into ‘Studio 54’ before the cover was blown off this discovery and got our well deserved cockwaving rights, which were just flagrantly waved in your eye sockets and there’s more where that came from – prepare yourself!
What’s left for us to kill? Well, just like finishing a bad movie simply because you paid for it – we find ourselves back in Dragons of Norrath. And what’s left for us there, you ask? The mighty, egg protecting, add spawning, death touching, sexy ass mother Vishimtar the Fallen. We’ve taken a few runs at him and made some progress here, some adjustments there. Tonight we went in digesting our efforts, desires and dedication, ready to squeeze them out into a big, steaming, pile of victory.
If you take a good hard look at that last picture you might notice he’s in a very specific location. Now, I don’t want to give out too much of a spoiler BUT, it might be worth trying out if you haven’t yet. Think: Z axis. Keep count on those eggs that spawn too. That’s the magic number, clearly.
Thar be the booty, me mateys!
So, with both Overlord Mata Muram and Vishimtar the Fallen dead and buried, we anxiously await the Depths of Darkhollow expansion release so we can get that taste of that fresh deep darkhollowy blood. We’ll see ya then, then.
You may remember back in the dizzle, as the kids say, I used to complain about various topics at the end of some of our updates, but I haven’t for some time now. It seems that our beloved KFC has been doing everything possible to make sure that drought doesn’t continue.
Now, I love KFC – that’s why I go there. I have my options of various popular fast food chains available to me that I can slowly kill myself with. But I drive the extra half mile to get some of those biscuits and mashed potatoes. My problem isn’t with the product. My problem is with their God forsaken menu structure. You need a pocket sized Rosetta Stone to make any sense of it. It’s a mess. And you’re always under pressure to order quickly because of other biscuit & gravy crazed patrons breathing down your neck. Between the incomprehensible menu and the pressure to make a decision quickly, I feel like I’m negotiating with a suicide bomber when I’m just trying to order a bucket of fucking chicken.
My first instinct is to order their value meals because they make sure to hang up their little promotional signs of “$4.00 VALUE MEALS” on every square inch of the place. $4 bucks for a value meal isn’t bad, so I get one. The only thing is, they don’t give you a drink with it. What the fuck is that all about? What kind of heathenistic fast food joint is this? Even ghetto ass Taco Bell knows how to string together a value meal. You get: a main, a side & a drink. It’s a formula that has stood the test of time. But KFC is a loose cannon, just playing fast and loose with the value meal formula. Here’s how my typical experience in KFC goes:
KFC Poultry Transfer Agent (KPTA): Hi, how can I make your today better?
Me: Hi, can I please have some chicken?
KPTA: Would you like boneless, leg, breast, thigh, groin, tongue, misc?
Me: Could your menu be any more difficult to read?
Me: Just give me a bucket of chicken up in this motherfucker.
This isn’t fine dining cuisine, to be sure – this is KFC. Nobody can decipher the different taste of one body part from the other. It all tastes like greasy American goodness, so I just pick one and run with it. This menu should read, “Order X amount of chicken parts, pick a side from our well organized, non-confusing list of sides, and a beverage”. No options of chicken body parts. No cakes. No crispy-classic-buffalo-honey-popcorn blends. Just straight gangsta American chicken.
Anyway, I finally get home and I unpack my shit. And as I get ready to eat, I notice this:
That should really read, “Caution: You will piss blood with frustration before you successfully navigate our maze of a menu”.
Not to anyone’s surprise, they got my order completely wrong and I ended up with what appeared to be 6 ounces of pigeon shit. Allegedly, it’s coleslaw. Allegedly. What’s worse, the rogue “slaw” has made a point to leak it’s white putrid trash juice all over everything within range. God, I fucking hate coleslaw. Here – here’s a picture of my sullied mashed potatoes after the coleslaw nutted all over them. These are as they came; undoctored. All I did was put on a protective hazmat body suit to remove the heap of renegade coleslaw. Luckily, I got a picture before I dry heaved myself into an irreversible coma.
Now, pretend we aren’t talking about KFC here. If I told you that was yeast infected vaginal discharge, you wouldn’t doubt me for a second. But in reality, it’s my tainted mashed potatoes with an eye drop of gravy swirled in. I ate it anyway because I have the strength of 10,000 men. It was my intention to make sure KFC’s menu had a nice warm spot Rotting In Hell but fuck that, I love KFC even if their menu sucks it. As I wrote further I realized the real villain here is coleslaw. Fuck you, coleslaw.
Even when presented with a literal smile, coleslaw’s subversive and putrid nature shines through the facade. Look at this man-made horror, staring you right in the face with its also face. They tried to make it look happy – friendly, even. But when you try to give slaw a soul, it becomes a warped glimpse into a world where slaw lives. And as we’ve established, where slaw lives, evil thrives. Go ahead and “welcome new man in your life”, as it’s so Engrishly written in the ill advised 1970s Hellmann’s advertisement. Go ahead. See what happens. When others have tried, the evil seeps out between it’s mayonnaisey, cabbagey wretchedness; putting the Hell in Hellmann’s. These abominations can rot in hell(mann’s).
(Author’s note: My stomach was literally turning, like I wanted to dry heave, as I crawled through Google images looking for the ‘best’ examples of how disgusting coleslaw truly is. I hope my suffering brings you happiness. Now and always. -qxx)
Originally posted by qxx • Jul 28, 2005 13:30
Yo everyone. This is our first update since the big merge from Vazaelle (RIP) to Maelin Starpyre. Like anything, you’ll find different opinions about how it went down. Some good and some…
We are recruiting:
Bard: 1-2Updated Jul 22, 2005
If you decide joining Triality is the thing for you, contact Orruar in game before you transfer, before you apply, basically before anything you better send Orruar a tell. Read our requirements in the Application section of our forums, and try not to suck at EverQuest.
For me to say, “It’s been a while since our last update” would be the understatement of a generation and just plain unnecessary. You may have noticed that I don’t usually update you, our adoring fans, of Triality’s comings-and-goings with anything unless it’s a fresh kill – a new kill. Telling you that we’ve killed x number of Dragons of Norrath bosses or Asylum of Anguish mobs over and over, for the past couple months, would have been boring and just plain silly. And while we did do just that, we were also plotting, scheming and strategizing for The Don Mega of Discord: Overlord Mata Muram.
I remember the first time we killed Arch Magus Vangl and the room shook with that dramatic effect, everyone was like, “Ooooo, Ahhhhhh, Impressive!” and we saw the wall lift, unveiling the Overlord himself. I can just picture all of us smiling, “Yay, we finally got to him, we can fight him and we’ll be like so happy with our soon-to-come victory and all of the dope loots and oh, this is just great!”. Wrong. Fucking WRONG.
It’s kind of sad. It’s like being a little kid at your first major league baseball game, getting there early, finding your favorite player during batting practice, going up to him and with your wide open, innocent little kid eyes, you look up, smile slightly and nervously ask him for an autograph. Then he spits right in your fucking eye and slaps your mom on the pussy. That’s pretty much how it felt since the day we first laid eyes on Mata Muram. He wasn’t going to go down and give up the goods easily – not at all. But we knew he was going the fuck down for goosing our mom’s gooch like that. Needless to say, we had some work ahead of us.
But it’s alright. We’re a competent bunch of talented players. I mean shit we’ve gotten this far, and at record speed I might add. So you would think that we should be OK when it comes to an event we’re definitely capable of beating, on paper anyway /thumbs up. We figured let’s just do what we do: get a bulletproof strategy together and just execute this fucker. Not so fast.
Flashback: Remember all those times, throughout your EverQuest experience, when you’re like romping around North Temple of Veeshan or in a difficult situation with your pickup group, and someone makes a bad pull or something and you wipe. Then you’re like, “Man we had enough healers, tanks and a couple of slowers. I wonder why we died.” You try to point fingers but it just gets you nowhere because everyone was supposedly “doing their job”. They were “paying attention” and definitely “not AFK”. These mysterious types of situations have been plaguing guilds and experience groups in EverQuest for a lifetime. Never having solid evidence to accurately point those fingers was aggravating as fuck. Well, not to worry, Mata Muram is pointing them for you in a big fucking way, in the form of mask clicks.
The way it works is: If you don’t click your Mirrored Mask when prompted, the raid gets punished by having our collective shits painfully pushed in and the script lets you know exactly who fucked up by shouting out their name for all to see, because they couldn’t do the simplest of things (just clicking a god damn item) when they were supposed to.
Glorious. Incredible. Amazing. Finally, the world knows just who has been quietly sucking at EverQuest this whole time and they can be dealt with accordingly. It’s like the “World’s Magic Tricks: Revealed” of EverQuest. You got to go behind the scenes and get to see who was really “doing their job”, “paying attention” and “not AFK”. An encounter that defies the filthy casual, mostly AFK, players that worm themselves into your guild/raid. Mata Muram was tailor made to challenge our band of adventurers and their [in]ability to stay alert at their god damn keyboards.
We all worked together, night after night, to make progress, to refine our skills, to unlearn what we have learned. The fight pushed our abilities, our tolerance of each other and our desire to AFK and take a piss or get drinks at the most inopportune of times throughout the night, to their very limits. But one man, one man stood by us, guided us, forced us and loved us enough to try to make our dreams come true. We needed his unwavering patience, his unfaltering will and staunch determination in order to drive us to our goal. That man is Orruar Lemmiwinks. Motivated by glory, pride and flagrant cockwavery, he would forever do his best to to keep our goal within sight and our spirits high:
The result of his guidance, our fear of his verbal lashings and being forced to kill the god damn Polar Kraken as punishment upon failure…
…would inevitably lead to the unthinkable – the unpossible!
Of course, here be the loot:
We’re all stoked as fuck. This fight is pretty badass; it’s even kind of fun, I guess. It’s a mix between luck and not being AFK, which obviously can get very frustrating. There still needs to be some changes made to it, but whatever, I’m not getting my hopes up for that.
So here is the end of the update where I usually put just the last month’s most prized guild moments in the form of tiny
classified addsscreenshots, which display our virtue, discipline and maturity as a guild. But, since we haven’t had an update since Moses wore short pants, this is about three months worth of screenshots, because I’m good like that. You’re whale cum.
Adios for now, cholos.
Originally posted by qxx • Jun 14, 2005 1:45
Yo everyone. I know what you’re thinking, “a website update without a 2 month lapse?!?” that’s right! EverQuest is morphing, Voltron-ing, if you will. It’s going to be an interesting few months from here on out with all the merging and purging. We’re going to have the opportunity to meet The Fabled Maelin Starpyre Server. That’ll be swell. I’m actually pretty excited about the merges, I wanna make some friends and gain party experience with them.
But forget that shit! Whats Triality been up to lately OH EM GEE!? We’ve been raping and rampaging as usual. And we’re currently recruiting some lucky Shamans to come and rape and rampage with us. We have a few requirements you should definitely read on our forums. Make sure you bust Orruar a tell in game before you apply. And If your application is going to look like an excerpt of a 16 year old girl’s GeoCities website, just don’t, please don’t.
Now for the real issue…
(Note: If you are easily offended by massive amounts vile language & vicious visual insults, you really shouldn’t read any further!)
I’ve been pretty tame lately, all these updates, with little to no angst. It feels unnatural. And while gasoline prices climb to nose bleeding levels, my engine is fueled by 103 octane, unrefined, pure, unadulterated rage. So I decided to pull the Rage Mobile into Brenlo’s Pump and Pay for a quick fill up. I’m about to get 50 miles per gallon on this shit. I’d say “Sit back and enjoy the ride” but that’s predictable and corny. So sit up and travel my journey with distaste and anguish.
For any cave dwellers out there, this is in reference to some issues with the announcement made by SoE about the server merges. Though what you’re about to read isn’t a representation of Triality, it surely is a representation of more than just my feelings.
There’s a lot of inconsistency and basic bullshit in your [Brenlo] post today on the EQlive blog you keep. One particular quote really pissed me off.
"So now I will talk a little about legacy and heritage, which is the other argument that keeps popping up. The legacy and heritage of EQ are not on some hardware that happened to have a name to make it easier to choose when logging in. The servers could just as easily been numbered. They are just hardware." -GM Brenlo, March 2005
They certainly could have just been numbered, but they weren’t. Why? Because people wouldn’t feel any significance belonging (key word: belonging) to server #0012. But they do feel a better sense of community belonging to Solusek Ro, Veeshan or Vazaelle, for example. It’s like having pride in your city. Obviously you can’t keep the names of every server involved in each merge but you don’t need to be a fucking Nazi about the names, it’s insulting to all of us.
Regardless of people’s position on the name issue, it should have been our decision. We are the fucking community, not you. This effects us, not you. You really think the best option was to pick the peak prime time populations of the servers involved and grace the winner with it’s name? Seriously? You get fucking paid for those decisions? You aren’t afraid to shove a fucking poll in my face asking what fucking video card I use, you aren’t afraid to SPAM ONE OF MY ACCOUNTS EVERY FUCKING TIME I LOG IN TO BUY YOUR SUCK ASS DRAGONS OF NORRATH or your worthless advertising bullshit, magazine subscriptions every single time I logged in, but I can’t get a poll to seek my opinion on what I want my server to be named? It would be have been nice have just been given the option to throw my opinion in on how they are going to be named. I can’t count how many worthless polls I’ve answered in the past. Shove your excuses and logic up your fucking dick hole and piss them out on your pile of prime time population charts. I can’t believe you called our servers “just hardware” hah, ridiculous. You make bad decisions and you make great ones (I’m not just sucking your ass, you’ve done a lot of things I like) but I know, I know for a fact, that you’re aware the server names are more than a way to categorize hardware. Don’t insult us by belittling our feelings and basically tell us we’re delusional about our sense of community.
Which brings me to another point, read this closely. Stop passing the buck onto us for these merges. In your post you referred to the fact that we ‘petitioned, posted, emailed’ demanding these merges. That is definitely true. But you lay it out there as a way to say, “Hey, don’t act unhappy because you asked for it”. Well guess what? Not everybody did, now you’re hearing the other side of it. More importantly (you’re about to devour your own words) later, in the same god damn post, you said the merges were unavoidable and inevitable. So don’t act like you gave a shit or listened to our input because like you said, the shit was unavoidable. No matter how much we demanded it or not, it was going to happen anyway, because of your decision. Sometimes your decisions reflect our desires and sometimes they don’t. Nice try. Now we’re giving you our “valued input” heavily on your own forums and you keep shoving those copy/paste excuse up our asses. Don’t try to act like our input has anything to do with it, because when we actually have a chance to share our input (the name issue specifically) and you just close out our opinions and state your reasons. Sickens me. Prove me wrong.
There’s much, much better ways to name these servers, the best way is to make new names for each merge. How difficult is that? Want my a link to my PayPal? I’ll make you a list of 50 names you can choose from, all legit, in about 40 fucking seconds for 1/2000th of your yearly salary. When you have 1 server retain it’s name, the server(s) that lose their name not only feel a loss of identity and community, but they feel like invaders or outcasts on this new server. The people who didn’t lose a name have no change, except there’s all these new people cramping their shit. If you deny the fact that people feel server pride (because it’s just categorized hardware, right?) then why the fuck did you come up with the idea to add a suffix title representing their old server? That’s about as consistent as my shit after Taco Tuesday. Stop being lazy. Make a poll, make new names, do something to show us you give a shit. I heard you were considering a format like Maelin (Vazaelle)…that’s retarded, if that’s true stop it now. People need to be on the same playing field, they need to ‘start’ on even ground. They need to be a community, not a segregated population. No server should be keeping it’s original name, that much is clear, well, to all of us anyway.
For Vazaelle specifically, we’re pissed about losing our name to a fucking green server. A preferred, green server. You say they have higher prime time population and that’s why they are keeping the name. The difference, during prime time, I’m sure, is marginal at best. Did you consider that Vazaelle has a gigantic Euro/Asian/Aussie contingent that aren’t playing during your “prime time” hours? You need to make some changes there. It’s beyond ridiculous. Even people on Maelin are saying how ridiculous this is. This horrible decision hasn’t done anything except create animosity towards a server most of us don’t know shit about. Vazaelle is in a different situation than any of the other servers merging because we feel raped of our identity (like everyone else) but at least they get to lose their name to a dignified, tenured server. Not some green newbie playground of trial memberships and part-time World of Nocraft dropouts. Pack that with the rumors I’ve been hearing about the quality of their players, and you have a pissed off Vazaelle server.
"The legacy and heritage of EQ are not on some hardware that happened to have a name to make it easier to choose when logging in." -GM Brenlo, March 2005
Hardware. You’re impossible. Hey Alan, I’m changing your name to Rufus. You shouldn’t care because your legacy, your heritage, your memories, your pride… it’s all within your heart and soul and your name is just a way to categorize you from the other non-Rufuses in society. Do something Rufus, we’re pissed.
Originally posted by qxx • Mar 30, 2005 21:44
Yo everyone. You’ve probably noticed we haven’t had a front page update in a while. I’m sure you just figure I’m slacking again. Well, you’re wrong bitches. Actually, you’re right. Either way, let’s just get on with it – yes? Alright then. So, I guess here comes an action packed update with some dragons!
We haven’t had a front page update since Dragons of Norrath was released. That alone might be a telling indication of the awesomeness that resides within this newest expansion. That isn’t to insinuate that we aren’t ripping its shitter with our Alabama splitter – we are. It’s just not. that. exciting. But, by the power invested in me by Brother Nuntius & The Church of Triality, I will make this shit an exciting and memorable moment of your EverQuest reading experience.
In Dragons of Norrath we have been killing…dragons. Shock-er. Really though, I love killing dragons. Killing dragons is one of the most exciting adventures that sucked me and millions of other jobless, single, nerdy, white men into this game in the first place. I’ve been begging for some more dragons in our beloved game and I finally got them. I had something of a deeply reminiscent moment when we we’re all scattered around Rikkukin The Defender, killing his dragon ass, just like in the old days. I’m not scared to tell you: that shit was emotional for me. These new dragons are pretty hoss when compared to such classics as Trakanon and Lord Nagafen. But on the true scale of things, they crumbled like filthy putas under our collective clamhammers.
We went to Reflections of Silver first and toppled killed Rikkukin The Defender. Although I lack the sufficient evidence, in the form of a corpse or loot screenshot, he was a complete pussover. So easy in fact, that I’m sure full-blown retards could accidentally defeat Rikkukin during their Keyboard Buttons & How To Mash Them 101 exercises down at the community learning center.
Needless to say, with our amazing ability to implement the most advanced of tactics…
…and since we’re operating at a 60/40 on the half-retarded:full-blown retard ratio, we smoked his monkey ass.
Next up was the Kessdona’s Perch raid featuring, you guessed it, Kessdona The Enlightened. This fight was almost an exact replica of Rikkukin’s only it featured additional aggressive non-player characters attempting to usurp our loot and glory. Only our most experienced veteran troopers would pull us through this challenge and bring home The Big Dubya. Once again, victory would not be reached until the most seasoned myrmidons and generals within our ranks were working with the best of strategies:
We went forth and fought valiantly until our bloodlust was slaked!
And the loot…
I hope I managed to make these fights sound epic in scale and grand in adventure. You know, so it’s fun to read about. Because actually doing it…not so fun. Why? Let’s take a step back and talk about what this expansion is actually like so far.
In Dragons of Norrath, they’ve essentially eliminated traveling to any raid location. You port from the Guild Hall directly to the Lavastorm Mountains and start the expedition. So, zero distance traveled there. Then, you only walk like 100 feet to this year’s version of the Plane of Tranquility a.k.a. The Broodlands. Now you’re rerdy to zone into the expedition’s instance. So it’s absolutely no effort getting to each of these raids. No effort. No danger. No difficulty. No immersion. More importantly, no fun.
At this point, I’m thinking, “Surely the dungeon depths of these vicious, ancient, fabled beasts will be well guarded and defended by some of the most fierce and dedicated minions we’ve ever encountered. We better be ready to…”, oh wait – there’s nothing guarding any of these dragons. There’s actually nothing even in the zone except the dragon. Odd.
Now it’s got me thinking, “If we don’t have to fight to the dragon, then the dragon itself must be nothing short of The Sleeper on a BALCO® boost. This fight will be one for the ages and *fart noise* …I guess not because we walked in 25 feet, yawned in the dragon’s face and within 3 minutes it was dead; generously shitting out loot like an incontinent treasure chest. Fuckin’ ZZZ…ZZZ…
At this rate, when the next expansion drops, I expect to pay my $30, log in, at which point my inventory will be filled with whatever new gear that I have any possibility of attaining and I’ll just simply destroy what I don’t want. Lets cut out those last few trivial steps of the actual game and make the best expansion everrrrr! You can do it! We can do it together! Seriously, give me a job. Now. Obviously I have The Vision™ to take EverQuest to the next level.
Anyway, enough of that tomfoolery – here’s more tomfoolery. To use the word tomfoolery twice in one sentence has got to be a violation of what I will loosely refer to as ‘creative writing’.
That’s all for now! Check back soon because there’s another update around the corner. I swear it!
Originally posted by qxx • Mar 15, 2005 03:04