Quarken Era (2004-2013)

Ya Get Skeeted On

Yo everyone. Don’t adjust your television set – this is an actual timely update. I think it’s been about a month since the last update, which is some sort of land speed record for me. Grap threatened to do something that involved his teeth and my testicles if I didn’t crank this bad Larry out by tonight. So in a valiant effort of testicular preservation, you got something to read and I can safely fondle myself to 1980’s aerobic tapes…still.

Well, by now you know the drill. Before we get to the meat ‘n badaytas of these here updates, we got recruiting to discuss. And ya, we’re recruiting. So, if you think you got the cojones to rock the casbah, if you think you’re goatz enough to have sex with our raids, then you should do a couple things. First, you should go to our Application forums and read our requirements. Then after that, when you decide you got the swordocity, you need to send Orruar a tell before you apply. So, we’re recruiting some ninjas for these classes:

Bard: 1
Beastlord: 1
Berserker: 1
Magician: 1
Warrior: 1
Wizard: 1

Updated Mar 5, 2006

That’s a dynamic list. It may change before your very eyes. We keep it updated for our needs, so check back if we don’t want your kind around here at the moment.

So, we’ve been romper stomping through The Demi-Plane of Blood some more. Things are getting better up in here. The first two encounters were shit, but these next two fights are pretty damn fun.

After banging out the Wailing Sisters, we headed on up to Hatchet the Torturer. This fight is pretty slick. Aside from the occasional ‘mandatory audio trigger candidate’ or some app strapping Hatchet to his chest and suicide bombing the raid like a coffee shop on the Gaza Strip, we devastated this sloppy Sally. This fight is pretty cool even though I can’t play Star Wars: Battlefront 2 during it. It’s got some adds, some emotes, some death bombs but best of all: it’s got bear traps. I can’t believe EverQuest has been out, what? 5 years and this is the first time we’ve seen bear traps. In case you didn’t know, the Top 3 Coolest Things To Ever Exist go: Plinko, television’s Willie Aames & Bear Traps. Don’t ask me why. That’s just the way things are; I don’t make the rules. Now, I may make a couple suggestions here and there, but this isn’t a suggestion – it’s a demand: More bear traps.

14 days. You have 14 days. If after that time more bear traps are not added to EverQuest, I am deleting my characters, and cancelling all of my accounts. The rest of my guild Really, nobody else will follow suit, but still: 14 days. After that I’m gonna take myself to some other popular MMO that has an excessive amount of bear traps. If you can’t hang with the bear traps, I’ll settle for a 18 player Willie Aames ring event. I can see it now:

We enter a dungeon with dragons. We’re in Illusion: Scott Baio of course when suddenly we’re overrun by all different mobs of each of Willie Aames’ roles. We’re just trying to slay as many ‘Buddy Lembecks’ from Charles in Charge and ‘Himselfs’ from Celebrity Fit Club: Season 2 as we can while they’re charging at us from every direction all willie nillie. They begin casting Spell: Eight Is Enough which Death Touches 10 of your 18 players after 1 season – just like the real Willie usually was! Actually, you know what? Forget the bear traps, you have 14 days to make this dream an EverQuest reality.

An enrage Willie says, ‘Time to die a Quarken’

Alright, what were we talking about before my odd infatuation with Willie Aames started steering my brain? Oh right, Demi-Plane. Okay so after we finished burying Hatchet, we went to see what Sanguimanus the Redfang was all about. He was all about kicking our ass apparently but it wasn’t long until we power bombed his sanguine anus into a bed of broken beer bottles. Even though there is a sickening lack of bear traps in this event, it’s really enjoyable.

You didn’t think I was gonna get this here update done without a lil’ bit o’ bitchin’, did ya? Is there a more useless effect to put on a Knight only item than Echo of Anger? Demi-Plane loot is a bit retarded in general anyway, but I’ll save that for a rainy day. Still, EoA on a Knight only piece of gear is a bit of a brain-dead mod. That’d be like putting a +20 Whining mod on a Druid only item or a +10% AFK mod on a Quarken only item. How much more aggro do you guys think Knights need? They have oodles, so this is a waste. It’s a wasted slot where a useful focus could be instead.

Well, that’s the whole shebang today. We’re now entering tier 2 of Dreadspire of Blood, The Keep of Demi-Plane and you know you’ll be getting hot sizzling updates for your chubby American jowls to slobber over. You come on over again, you precious little glutton you.

On the eve of a new expansion, we all go to bed with the anxiety and excitement only rivaled by Christmases and threesomes. With thoughts of new zones and farmable loot running through our heads, it’s hard to calm one’s self. This time though, I feel a little different. As much as I’m trying to imagine all the laggy zone particle effects, over-farmed attuneable loot and click-here-to-zone-in topography, I can’t stop thinking of gnomes.

I know it’s a little cliche to complain about gnomes. Those adorable biscuits have been popular in EverQuest since day 1 and their fame isn’t dwindling. But sometimes, I feel a little bit like, what happened to the other races, ya know? Like, why’s it always a gnome explorer fuckin’ up? Aren’t gnomes supposed to be smart? Why they always fuckin’ up? Why they always getting lost in zones and shit? Maybe we’ll take it a step further and make a task where you have to save a party of gnomes, who got captured trying to save another gnome?! The ultimate task!

Like Cicero Quikwire, the latest gnome to follow in a great line of gnome failures. Maybe I missed the obvious indications we were chasing a gnome in these missions, but when we popped that cocoon open and a gnome shot out, a little part of me died that day. I kinda wanted to throw down my swords and Jake-the-Snake-DDT his bald spot into the ground and send his lifeless body to Ak’Anon with a note pinned to his shirt that reads, “If any of you leave this city again, I’ll orphan your children and widow your wives”. But I can’t do that. Those options are inexplicably unavailable in EverQuest. So I had to just rescue this fuckin’ guy but mark my words: I’m going to go to Ak’Anon to reprogram the King to be a fuckin’ Roomba® or something.

You may wonder why it took someone this long to bitch about the gnome themed everything in this game that’s been plaguing us for years now. I personally wouldn’t brought it up if it wasn’t for Depths of Darkhollow. Because when I zoned into Corathus Creep for the first time and I didn’t see just gnomes, but fucking robotic gnomes – and a ton of them. A line had to be drawn.

So on the dawn of Prophecy of Ro, I know it’s a little too late to avoid the gnome assault, but next-next expansion, please make some tasks that maybe have a Barbarian who got lost looking for ale, a Dwarf that got lost mining some gems or an Erudite who got lost looking for fat white women.

Originally posted by qxx • Feb 21, 2006 04:12

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