Yo everyone. I don’t even know where to start. There is so much to talk about and my fingers are already tired of typing. But I’m going to muscle up and push beyond the crippling strain on my digits. This update has love, it has hate and it probably has herpes. So keep your Valtrex© handy because I’m going to climb onto the top rope and Superfly Jimmy Snuka this update right into your solar plexus. Actually, let’s first take a time-out to talk about recruiting! That’s always fun. Right now, Triality is looking to add these classes our our clam harem:
Knights: Hit the showers, you’re finished.
All other classes: Maybe
If you think Triality is the warm salvation that you’ve been seeking your entire life, here’s some helpful tips to get you off the streets and into our warm, comforting arms. First, read the requirements on our forums. Then, talk to Orruar or Dalnoth in-game before you apply. Then they’ll make you twirl on the catwalk and if they find you sexy enough to put out on the corner, you get to write your application and we get to make fun of it. Just kidding, we won’t make fun of it. Just kidding, we will. Unless you’re an enchanter, in which case we’ll probably take turns tickling your yam bag.
So, here’s the deal. On the last update we left off talking about how we rode a tide of vengeance directly into Frostcrypt‘s Adam’s apple. So, if you’ve been taking notes, you’re probably expecting an exciting update detailing our trials and tribulations through Ashengate, Reliquary of the Scale. And that’s exactly what we have for you! But, it’s like small. How small? If this update was testicles you’d think it was -20° Centigrade in this bitch. That small. So here are the CliffsNotes:
- Ashengate East: We won.
- Ashengate West: We won, again.
Now you may say, “Where’s the proof” and I may reply, “I’m lazy” but that doesn’t really tell you anything. Some may say, “U GOT SPOILERZ HAhALOLz” and to that I say:
That kite, so beautifully displayed in the signature colors of the Luclin server, is the only strategy spoiler you need to defeat this entire expansion. That’s the big secret. When in doubt, throw a rope on that bitch and kite your tight little ass off. This was literally our go-to strategy during the entire expansion. But, enough of that. What do we have for you today? How about Triality being the 1st guild, in all of EverQuest, to finish The Serpent’s Spine.
A few nights ago we were stumbling our way through Ashengate North when we came upon Dyn’leth, Firstborn of Lethar. And we killed him. With absolute ease.
The Dyn’leth fight is so fucking easy it’s borderline insulting. As long as you can manage to not die in real life while manipulating your EverQuest character on the internet, you’ll win. That’s sadly not surprising considering while we were pulling the pants off of Frostcrypt, every other guild was doing their best to beat Ashengate. Which means all of the Ashengate events had their difficulty balanced against guilds that are decidedly not Triality and it shows by just how easy everything is in all of Ashengate. Let me give you another example of what I mean and what happens when other guilds have to try and beat an event that is delightfully difficult.
So last night we Crip walked our way into Ashengate North and put a hurtin’ on Lethar the Black. Difficulty aside, this fight was actually very fun and really unique. I feel like this is the first fight in EverQuest, so far, that actually puts you into a time machine and takes you back because this fight had a very NToV kind of vibe about it.
And upon his death, after Lethar’s Final Stand, came one of our biggest accomplishments as a guild to-date: our first game-wide 1st place expansion victory after defeating all of The Serpent’s Spine before anyone else. Thanks to all the players and haters of Triality that persisted through the worst of it and the best of it. We’ll be here in our little corner of the world farming harder than a Korean LAN party until the next expansion drops. Keep an eye out over here for an Ashengate movie that is in the works to go with our Frostcrypt movie.
Which brings us to tonight. Tonight we officially started our farming campaign by romping around Frostcrypt #1, which we haven’t been back to for a few weeks now. We eventually came to Lorekeeper Grenwald. That fight was pretty intense the last time we killed him and we still weren’t comfortable enough to just walk up to him and eat his lunch, or so we thought. So we were prepared for what was arguably the most difficult fight in the whole expansion but when he spawned this time, all we what we got was this:
This is, of course, is after all the other guilds couldn’t hang with the difficulty of the original version of the Lorekeeper Grenwald fight; the version we defeated. The version we thought was perfectly difficult. Of course, when you throw 46 limp cleric bodies at a mob and it doesn’t die you only have two options and calling up Big Zeke of the Sony Mafia to break Grenwald’s legs is the one that was chosen gg.
My point is, naturally it isn’t a big surprise that we crushed all of Ashengate with absolute ease since every event in there was balanced against the raid-style of guilds that have more clerics than the Vatican.
And now for something completely different:
Look, Ma! The Babysitter Is Giving Me Head!
Instead of going with my original idea of taking a huge shit in a box and mailing it to the designers and developers of the Frostcrypt side of The Serpent Spine, I decided to take a different approach to all of my misplaced anger. For those of you who don’t know me, I am Ophidion, scourge of the seven seas, and the only official owner of a cannon that fires AIDS. I also fancy myself to be quite the connoisseur of fine/horrible pornography. Having a sophisticated pallet for this medium, one has to sample as much as possible so they don’t get behind (pun). This is my excuse for flogging the dolphin enough to have my eyes cross and sprout full Santa beards. Generally, porn has at least decent acting in it, or in the case of amateur porn, none at all. Amateur porn is excused of acting because it’s all about fucking, not about answering the door to a delivery man with six pounds of cock sticking through a pizza (this is an actual website). Normal porn, or porn with a message/theme HAS to have good acting in it however, or it ends up being a video of a guy your father’s age giving a hot beef injection to a female who is half the age of your toe nail clippings. Today I am going to talk about a short clip I downloaded a few weeks ago, but this video has been angering me since I trudged through it. I was quite surprised (well not really, but lets say I was) that there was a FFM porn with the title “MILF Hunter – Kay Parker – Taboo – Babysitter”. There are two words in that novel of an mp3 title that peaked my interest taboo (being a great 80’s porn series that featured some of the greatest porn stars of all time (Honey Wilder being one of them) and Babysitter. Now, I don’t know about anyone else, but fucking babysitters has to be pretty awesome, therefore the movie should be awesome and convincing. The fact that there was an actress’s name in the title means it wasn’t amateur porn thus the conclusion was made that this would have some decent acting in it. OH HOW WRONG I WAS. The first aspect of the movie that pissed me off is that the wife was smoking. Smoking, albeit sexy sometimes, is generally not something I want to see some broad who is about to get stuffed like a meaty pin cushion doing right before she gets her pork pocket stuffed. Next was the apparent lack of any rehearsal for this scene. The main actress had no fucking idea what her lines were and it was painfully obvious that she was searching for something to say between random hole encounters. News flash darling, looking like a retard is only sexy if you like fucking slack jawed creatures from the abyss that have no chance of escaping your herpes encrusted baby club, and just because you are fucking your babysitter (for a kid you don’t even have in the scene) your acting isn’t excused from being somewhat believable. The only thing that saved this movie was the fact that the red-headed babysitter was ok looking and her name was dynamite. Apparently, if you have a fire bush, your crotch has the potential to remove limbs and ruin coal miner’s lives. Other than that, I give this crappy movie one Droopy Dooner for excellence in the field of wasting my hard drive space.