• Quarken Era (2004-2013)

    Ya Get Skeeted On

    Yo everyone. Don’t adjust your television set – this is an actual timely update. I think it’s been about a month since the last update, which is some sort of land speed record for me. Grap threatened to do something that involved his teeth and my testicles if I didn’t crank this bad Larry out by tonight. So in a valiant effort of testicular preservation, you got something to read and I can safely fondle myself to 1980’s aerobic tapes…still.

    Well, by now you know the drill. Before we get to the meat ‘n badaytas of these here updates, we got recruiting to discuss. And ya, we’re recruiting. So, if you think you got the cojones to rock the casbah, if you think you’re goatz enough to have sex with our raids, then you should do a couple things. First, you should go to our Application forums and read our requirements. Then after that, when you decide you got the swordocity, you need to send Orruar a tell before you apply. So, we’re recruiting some ninjas for these classes:

    Bard: 1
    Beastlord: 1
    Berserker: 1
    Magician: 1
    Warrior: 1
    Wizard: 1

    Updated Mar 5, 2006

    That’s a dynamic list. It may change before your very eyes. We keep it updated for our needs, so check back if we don’t want your kind around here at the moment.

    So, we’ve been romper stomping through The Demi-Plane of Blood some more. Things are getting better up in here. The first two encounters were shit, but these next two fights are pretty damn fun.

    After banging out the Wailing Sisters, we headed on up to Hatchet the Torturer. This fight is pretty slick. Aside from the occasional ‘mandatory audio trigger candidate’ or some app strapping Hatchet to his chest and suicide bombing the raid like a coffee shop on the Gaza Strip, we devastated this sloppy Sally. This fight is pretty cool even though I can’t play Star Wars: Battlefront 2 during it. It’s got some adds, some emotes, some death bombs but best of all: it’s got bear traps. I can’t believe EverQuest has been out, what? 5 years and this is the first time we’ve seen bear traps. In case you didn’t know, the Top 3 Coolest Things To Ever Exist go: Plinko, television’s Willie Aames & Bear Traps. Don’t ask me why. That’s just the way things are; I don’t make the rules. Now, I may make a couple suggestions here and there, but this isn’t a suggestion – it’s a demand: More bear traps.

    14 days. You have 14 days. If after that time more bear traps are not added to EverQuest, I am deleting my characters, and cancelling all of my accounts. The rest of my guild Really, nobody else will follow suit, but still: 14 days. After that I’m gonna take myself to some other popular MMO that has an excessive amount of bear traps. If you can’t hang with the bear traps, I’ll settle for a 18 player Willie Aames ring event. I can see it now:

    We enter a dungeon with dragons. We’re in Illusion: Scott Baio of course when suddenly we’re overrun by all different mobs of each of Willie Aames’ roles. We’re just trying to slay as many ‘Buddy Lembecks’ from Charles in Charge and ‘Himselfs’ from Celebrity Fit Club: Season 2 as we can while they’re charging at us from every direction all willie nillie. They begin casting Spell: Eight Is Enough which Death Touches 10 of your 18 players after 1 season – just like the real Willie usually was! Actually, you know what? Forget the bear traps, you have 14 days to make this dream an EverQuest reality.

    An enrage Willie says, ‘Time to die a Quarken’

    Alright, what were we talking about before my odd infatuation with Willie Aames started steering my brain? Oh right, Demi-Plane. Okay so after we finished burying Hatchet, we went to see what Sanguimanus the Redfang was all about. He was all about kicking our ass apparently but it wasn’t long until we power bombed his sanguine anus into a bed of broken beer bottles. Even though there is a sickening lack of bear traps in this event, it’s really enjoyable.

    You didn’t think I was gonna get this here update done without a lil’ bit o’ bitchin’, did ya? Is there a more useless effect to put on a Knight only item than Echo of Anger? Demi-Plane loot is a bit retarded in general anyway, but I’ll save that for a rainy day. Still, EoA on a Knight only piece of gear is a bit of a brain-dead mod. That’d be like putting a +20 Whining mod on a Druid only item or a +10% AFK mod on a Quarken only item. How much more aggro do you guys think Knights need? They have oodles, so this is a waste. It’s a wasted slot where a useful focus could be instead.

    Well, that’s the whole shebang today. We’re now entering tier 2 of Dreadspire of Blood, The Keep of Demi-Plane and you know you’ll be getting hot sizzling updates for your chubby American jowls to slobber over. You come on over again, you precious little glutton you.

    On the eve of a new expansion, we all go to bed with the anxiety and excitement only rivaled by Christmases and threesomes. With thoughts of new zones and farmable loot running through our heads, it’s hard to calm one’s self. This time though, I feel a little different. As much as I’m trying to imagine all the laggy zone particle effects, over-farmed attuneable loot and click-here-to-zone-in topography, I can’t stop thinking of gnomes.

    I know it’s a little cliche to complain about gnomes. Those adorable biscuits have been popular in EverQuest since day 1 and their fame isn’t dwindling. But sometimes, I feel a little bit like, what happened to the other races, ya know? Like, why’s it always a gnome explorer fuckin’ up? Aren’t gnomes supposed to be smart? Why they always fuckin’ up? Why they always getting lost in zones and shit? Maybe we’ll take it a step further and make a task where you have to save a party of gnomes, who got captured trying to save another gnome?! The ultimate task!

    Like Cicero Quikwire, the latest gnome to follow in a great line of gnome failures. Maybe I missed the obvious indications we were chasing a gnome in these missions, but when we popped that cocoon open and a gnome shot out, a little part of me died that day. I kinda wanted to throw down my swords and Jake-the-Snake-DDT his bald spot into the ground and send his lifeless body to Ak’Anon with a note pinned to his shirt that reads, “If any of you leave this city again, I’ll orphan your children and widow your wives”. But I can’t do that. Those options are inexplicably unavailable in EverQuest. So I had to just rescue this fuckin’ guy but mark my words: I’m going to go to Ak’Anon to reprogram the King to be a fuckin’ Roomba® or something.

    You may wonder why it took someone this long to bitch about the gnome themed everything in this game that’s been plaguing us for years now. I personally wouldn’t brought it up if it wasn’t for Depths of Darkhollow. Because when I zoned into Corathus Creep for the first time and I didn’t see just gnomes, but fucking robotic gnomes – and a ton of them. A line had to be drawn.

    So on the dawn of Prophecy of Ro, I know it’s a little too late to avoid the gnome assault, but next-next expansion, please make some tasks that maybe have a Barbarian who got lost looking for ale, a Dwarf that got lost mining some gems or an Erudite who got lost looking for fat white women.

    Originally posted by qxx • Feb 21, 2006 04:12
  • Quarken Era (2004-2013)

    Kiss Me Where It Smells Funny

    Yo everyone. A front page update. It’s totally amazing, I know. This here will be the first update since Depths of Darkhollow has gone live. There are so many new features in Depths of Darkhollow to talk about which I’m going to do after we give you the dirty, filthy, greasy info on what we’ve been doing lately. So much to type and so little time. Well, truthfully, there’s all the time in the world but I need to get back to the slack A.S.A.P.I.R.L.

    We’re recruiting. That means you. You right there. You can apply to Trialitymmmmmaybe! Let’s keep this within reason, Charlie. You need to read our requirements and whatnot before you apply. We’re looking for good members to fill our ranks in almost every class except filthy paladins & grimy shadowknights. So if you’re a paladin or shadowknight, you just hold your horses. Here’s an itemized list of what we’re looking for:

    Berserker: 1
    Cleric: 2
    Enchanter: 1
    Wizard: 2

    Updated Nov 28, 2005

    I’ll keep that list updated as we find people to fill in the spots. So if you think, “Yes, Triality is OK w/ me”, then you’ll be needing to send Miss Llohannis or Mister Grap a tell in the MMORPG EverQuest. Once you’ve done that, the next step will likely be ‘create an application and post it on our forums’. I’ve been in this guild a while, I’m going to share some top secret inf0z with you right here. If your app:

    • …is 1 sentence.
      Close your current window. Go to C:\Program Files\EverQuest and delete everything.
    • …has the grammar and readability of a 16 year old Asian girl’s AOL member web page.
      Slap yourself in the face with a bag of scorpion stingers. Immediately.
    • …is lacking a profile because you can’t decipher the mystical, magical complications of Magelo.
      Go to your basement and saw off your hands.

    Alright, enough funny business. I don’t want this update to be all horseplay and rabble-rousing, we have complete seriousness to get to. Let’s all be Serious Men™ and talk turkey here.

    We’ve been raiding all sorts of Depths in Darkhollow shit but primarily we’ve been doing the “Blood” raids. We got to The Council of Nine first. And by “got”, I mean serial killed his face with great haste.

    1 out of 5

    Aaaand after that we met up with Matriarch Shyra. She’s a big sexy werewolf. There’s really nothing to this fight. We just walked in and ate her pudding. She’s boring; needs a little spicing up, eh? A little of the ole’ spicy spice eh? A little spicetastical spicy spiciness EH? Ahh, I’m totally out of control right now and it feels great. /thumbs up

    2 out of 5

    I forgot to screenshot the words of lore from Shyra. It probably said something crazy and awesome explaining why these “abilities” in my Alternate Ability window aren’t actually abilities at all.

    I think after that we went to slaughter Bloodeye. This is a fight where you pretend you’re not letting people die but you’re really letting people die. It’s a pretty fun fight, people just dying and flopping all over. Anyway, between killing each other, we managed to kill him too.

    3 out of 5

    We did some other non-progression raids when Depths of Darkhollow first came out as well. We quickly found out most are worthless trash piles. I didn’t take any pictures, except of the mushroom Sporali king fellow, Antraygus, the Sporali King! That guy is awesome. The fight was hilarious; people getting tossed all over the place willy-nilly. It was a total g-flux zergfest. Anyway, fun or no fun, we killed him of course. Sorry, Big Gus.

    Other than that we’ve been poking around Dreadspire Keep, working on Demi-Plane of Blood keys and just having a super duper awesome time, I GUESS.

    So, in the opening (that’s what us pros call the first paragraph; the opening. You didn’t know that shit did ya? Wham! Knowledge sharing.) I said I’d talk about Depths of Darkhollow a little bit. So, here it is.

    When Depths of Darkhollow was originally announced and the features were up on the Official EverQuest web site, nothing really jumped out at me, you know? Nothing really impressed me, I guess you could say. And I think I’ve figured out what it is. There are no good features in Depths of Darkhollow. None. I mean on the website, they list new…

    • Alternate abilities
    • Spells
    • Zones
    • Items
    • Tradeskill recipes

    …as like highlights of an expansion. What the fuck is that? Don’t list it – all that shit better come with the new expansion. That shit is a given. Without those what the fuck could you even be expanding for this expansion. Listing zones, really? Without new zones, you literally can’t have a motherfucking expansion. You have to have all new ‘those things’. Do you think a restaurant advertises that they will be serving food on plates and having restrooms so people don’t shit and piss all over the walls and floor, as features? Of course not! Because those are, without a doubt, going to be there.

    I’m sick of that shitty deceptive advertising. Because you can’t fill up more than a few sentences describing the only “new” things of this expansion, so you toss that of-course-it’s-in-there bullshit on the box for filler. Advertising new zones in a god. damn. expansion is a little re -dundant or -tarded – you decide.

    Now let’s look at the actual features: Monster Missions and Spirit Shrouds.

    Fuck these things in their variety of faces. People gaining experience doing something besides playing their own class and character? Super awesome good idea…I can’t wait to see the people who’ve gotten 75% of their total experience romping around these bad Larrys. I’m sure they’ll be packed full of skill and aptitude of their actual class. After doing a good handful of Monster Missions, to form my always unbiased and objective opinion, I came to realize that, in a Monster Mission, everything I’ve worked for in EverQuest – all my gear, AA’s, discs, skills, etc… – are just…gone. Eliminated. Nullified. Not present. Who would enjoy this and why? I just don’t understand the appeal of playing as a worse version of myself in some shitty NPC illusion, which is exactly what Monster Missions are. But wait! There’s more to it than that.

    When you spend an hour doing something, even if you fail at your objective, usually there’s some experience gained at least, to make up for it. Like, if I spend a few hours camping some item, and I don’t get the item, at least I’ve gotten some experience killing mobs for the chance at it. If the mobs I have to kill don’t yield experience, it’s still my decision to go there and do it. I’ve done some monster missions that only yield experience upon a victory. So, if you spend an hour or two – shit, or more – trying to do some ridiculous objectives and you fail, you get no fucking experience gain. You basically pissed away a few hours aggravating yourself and hating EverQuest just a little bit more.

    There’s some basic building blocks to the game of EverQuest. Whether they are a necessity, or just something we’ve come dependent on, is up for discussion. But I would be willing to wager 99% of the non-retarded population playing this game will agree that the ability to resurrect someone is one of the most important and useful abilities in the game and especially in a group setting. Forget the experience reimbursement portion of resurrection, that is a moot point. In a Monster Mission, you don’t’ lose experience upon death and you respawn at zone in. But what about instances that have mobs that repop and the location of your objective to update the task asks you to be deep within the zone? Well, when resurrected in a Monster Mission, you can’t get back to your group from the zone in; it’s virtually impossible. And when you’re limited to 3 “classes” to choose from, losing 1 person can be a critical failure. So you work up to that point for a while and if someone dies, then what? You’re just fucked? Pack up your shit and go home? What a fucking blast. So much fun. Holy shit.

    The balancing of tank hit points and healer mana regeneration for these ‘monsters’ is totally out of sync in a lot of these missions. When you give a tank 20k HPs and the best heal available is only a 4,000 point rubbery floppy thing of a heal, which also costs an asston of mana – that’s just straight retarded. Top that cake off with the fact that mana regeneration is a fucking joke. Even with Mental Clarity ranked to the fuckin gills, you’ll be sitting to med like this shit was Lower Guk in 1999.

    There was one particular mission where a bunch of mobs came to rub their sacks all up in my grill. We did the mission with 5 people; it was in the Hive. The class options were Warrior, Cleric, and Wizard – which is actually an Enchanter – why. The monster mission had this little ring event in the upstairs of the west tower. So, we plow up there at the speed of a legless invalid. And when we finally got up there for the ring event, the warrior died. No problem, right? It happens. WELL, with no way to rez, and repops alllll the way up to us, we really had to slap on the black face paint and get fully Mission-Impossibled up, just to continue with our monster mission. We had to keep training a shitload of mobs away and at just the right time, respawn ourselves back into the mission, before the mobs pathed back. So, the ability to simply return to your group is less not dependent on the abilities assigned to the whack ass monster vessel you have to inhabit in for these missions but rather more dependent on your computer loading the zone file fast, so you can try to respawn in and run for safety, before the mobs path back and put it in your butt. Again. Super cool.

    During the ring event, we’d get 2 mobs at a time. We’d kill 2 and then get another wave of 2. Kill 1 of those, then have the “Wizard” mez the other while the Cleric meds for half a fucking hour. There were about 10 waves. So, if you do the math, that’s like 30 minutes per wave. You better pray nobody dies or your back at square one. And round and round it goes. What. fun.

    There was another monster mission I did, some instanced version of Runnyeye, where I’m a level 30ish Sporali killing evil eyes. With no resists, because that’s what they decided to give my monster vessel – no control over that! So, it was definitely an awesome time having the evil eyes chain blind spells, stuns and, of course, gflux me all over the fuckin dungeon. At one point I actually punched myself in the throat after realizing I paid money for this experience. I mean honestly, it was ridiculous. I find it hard to believe (read as: impossible to believe) anyone tested or casually played that mission and said, “PERFECT” before sending it off with a stamp of approval, only to be added into the expansion.

    Granted not all Monster Missions are this out of whack, but the general idea behind them is just too much for me to handle. But I guess if you get off on playing as some NPC illusion, with limited and untuned abilities and stats, then Monster Missions are right up your alley.

    I probably wouldn’t be so upset with Monster Missions if they weren’t the only real feature of this entire expansion. Monster Missions and Spirit Shrouds, that’s it. To me a feature is something new to the game, that makes a particular expansion unique. I guess by that definition evolving items are a feature as well, but I’m only agreeing to that because I don’t want to split hairs about how shitty those things are in principal (e.g., pointless time-sink & false increases). I know I got pretty lengthy here, but please believe, there’s a lot more I’d like to say but I’m not sure I have the patience or self control to get it all out coherently. I had started writing some more bullshit about how the life span of these new expansions is only a couple months and how the lack of content and the over usage of instancing is killing the game, but I’ll save it for a rainy day.

    Quotable Quotes That I Quoted

    Originally posted by qxx Oct 14, 2005 1:33
  • Quarken Era (2004-2013)

    Belching Fire & Freshly Painted

    Yo everyone. Starting these updates is more difficult than it may appear. I’m having some serious writer’s block trying to get this bitch rolling and I don’t want to cheat you out of the phenomenal front page update that you’ve become so accustomed to reading here at TrialityGuild.com. But guess what? I’m going to do just that. Maybe next time I’ll be full of ideas and inspiration then it’s like it all comes out in the wash – ya know? Fantastic then.

    Before we dig into the latest greatest victory of Triality, I need to mention that we’re recruiting. This is how you, a zero, becomes an us – a hero. And do we ever have openings:

    Cleric: 1
    Druid: 1
    Enchanter: a billion
    Wizard: 2

    Updated Sep 25, 2005

    Contact Llohannis or Grap in game before you apply. There are requirements in our Application section on the forums. Check them out and if you meet those requirements and you’re one of those classes listed above, drop us an application faster than a surprise homecoming bathroom abortion.

    So, we’re still absorbing loot like a Dyson™ in the Asylum of Anguish. Even more so since Overlord Mata Muram has been gimped beyond comprehension with the revelation of Mask Conspiracy ’05. If you haven’t heard yet, check your favorite message board of whining, uninformed bags à la douche. I’m sure you’ll get the whole story and then some. Luckily, we made it into ‘Studio 54’ before the cover was blown off this discovery and got our well deserved cockwaving rights, which were just flagrantly waved in your eye sockets and there’s more where that came from – prepare yourself!

    What’s left for us to kill? Well, just like finishing a bad movie simply because you paid for it – we find ourselves back in Dragons of Norrath. And what’s left for us there, you ask? The mighty, egg protecting, add spawning, death touching, sexy ass mother Vishimtar the Fallen. We’ve taken a few runs at him and made some progress here, some adjustments there. Tonight we went in digesting our efforts, desires and dedication, ready to squeeze them out into a big, steaming, pile of victory.

    If you take a good hard look at that last picture you might notice he’s in a very specific location. Now, I don’t want to give out too much of a spoiler BUT, it might be worth trying out if you haven’t yet. Think: Z axis. Keep count on those eggs that spawn too. That’s the magic number, clearly.

    Thar be the booty, me mateys!

    Which Dalnoth turned into the Rogue quest reward (below)

    So, with both Overlord Mata Muram and Vishimtar the Fallen dead and buried, we anxiously await the Depths of Darkhollow expansion release so we can get that taste of that fresh deep darkhollowy blood. We’ll see ya then, then.

    You may remember back in the dizzle, as the kids say, I used to complain about various topics at the end of some of our updates, but I haven’t for some time now. It seems that our beloved KFC has been doing everything possible to make sure that drought doesn’t continue.

    Now, I love KFC – that’s why I go there. I have my options of various popular fast food chains available to me that I can slowly kill myself with. But I drive the extra half mile to get some of those biscuits and mashed potatoes. My problem isn’t with the product. My problem is with their God forsaken menu structure. You need a pocket sized Rosetta Stone to make any sense of it. It’s a mess. And you’re always under pressure to order quickly because of other biscuit & gravy crazed patrons breathing down your neck. Between the incomprehensible menu and the pressure to make a decision quickly, I feel like I’m negotiating with a suicide bomber when I’m just trying to order a bucket of fucking chicken.

    My first instinct is to order their value meals because they make sure to hang up their little promotional signs of “$4.00 VALUE MEALS” on every square inch of the place. $4 bucks for a value meal isn’t bad, so I get one. The only thing is, they don’t give you a drink with it. What the fuck is that all about? What kind of heathenistic fast food joint is this? Even ghetto ass Taco Bell knows how to string together a value meal. You get: a main, a side & a drink. It’s a formula that has stood the test of time. But KFC is a loose cannon, just playing fast and loose with the value meal formula. Here’s how my typical experience in KFC goes:

    KFC Poultry Transfer Agent (KPTA): Hi, how can I make your today better?
    Me: Hi, can I please have some chicken?
    KPTA: Would you like boneless, leg, breast, thigh, groin, tongue, misc?
    Me: Could your menu be any more difficult to read?
    KPTA: No.
    Me: Just give me a bucket of chicken up in this motherfucker.

    This isn’t fine dining cuisine, to be sure – this is KFC. Nobody can decipher the different taste of one body part from the other. It all tastes like greasy American goodness, so I just pick one and run with it. This menu should read, “Order X amount of chicken parts, pick a side from our well organized, non-confusing list of sides, and a beverage”. No options of chicken body parts. No cakes. No crispy-classic-buffalo-honey-popcorn blends. Just straight gangsta American chicken.

    Anyway, I finally get home and I unpack my shit. And as I get ready to eat, I notice this:

    Caution: It wasn’t.

    That should really read, “Caution: You will piss blood with frustration before you successfully navigate our maze of a menu”.

    Not to anyone’s surprise, they got my order completely wrong and I ended up with what appeared to be 6 ounces of pigeon shit. Allegedly, it’s coleslaw. Allegedly. What’s worse, the rogue “slaw” has made a point to leak it’s white putrid trash juice all over everything within range. God, I fucking hate coleslaw. Here – here’s a picture of my sullied mashed potatoes after the coleslaw nutted all over them. These are as they came; undoctored. All I did was put on a protective hazmat body suit to remove the heap of renegade coleslaw. Luckily, I got a picture before I dry heaved myself into an irreversible coma.

    Above: Pigeon shit that I paid money for.

    Now, pretend we aren’t talking about KFC here. If I told you that was yeast infected vaginal discharge, you wouldn’t doubt me for a second. But in reality, it’s my tainted mashed potatoes with an eye drop of gravy swirled in. I ate it anyway because I have the strength of 10,000 men. It was my intention to make sure KFC’s menu had a nice warm spot Rotting In Hell but fuck that, I love KFC even if their menu sucks it. As I wrote further I realized the real villain here is coleslaw. Fuck you, coleslaw.

    Even when presented with a literal smile, coleslaw’s subversive and putrid nature shines through the facade. Look at this man-made horror, staring you right in the face with its also face. They tried to make it look happy – friendly, even. But when you try to give slaw a soul, it becomes a warped glimpse into a world where slaw lives. And as we’ve established, where slaw lives, evil thrives. Go ahead and “welcome new man in your life”, as it’s so Engrishly written in the ill advised 1970s Hellmann’s advertisement. Go ahead. See what happens. When others have tried, the evil seeps out between it’s mayonnaisey, cabbagey wretchedness; putting the Hell in Hellmann’s. These abominations can rot in hell(mann’s).

    (Author’s note: My stomach was literally turning, like I wanted to dry heave, as I crawled through Google images looking for the ‘best’ examples of how disgusting coleslaw truly is. I hope my suffering brings you happiness. Now and always. -qxx)

    Originally posted by qxx Jul 28, 2005 13:30
  • Quarken Era (2004-2013)

    Immortal Corrupters

    Yo everyone. It’s been a while since we’ve had a real update here and don’t think for a second I didn’t hear about it everyday! Truth be told, there isn’t much to update you on – nothing interesting anyway. Since the Muramite Proving Grounds trial raids are totally janked, we’ve been spending our non-Anguish raid time in Tacvi, Seat of the Slaver, killing those guys again to get the ‘upgraded’ loot which is a lot like getting rid of hemorrhoids: Good for you but nobody wants to hear about it. So that’s what was happening. Now, let’s talk about what is happening.

    To do that, we shift our focus towards that lovely Asylum we call Anguish, which people do want to hear about! Our latest role-playing experience took us to this jive turkey named Jelvan, who selfishly enlisted our help to kill these three Tormentors who have been, judging by their name, tormenting him for quite some time – deep storyline breakdown there. He said he would help but I guess his idea of helping was more like not helping. So, once again relying on our council of seasoned strategists and elite tacticians…

    …we threw ourselves against Jelvan’s arch-nemesisises Tanthi, Tantho and Tanthu the Tormentors. What the 3 vowel brothers lack in the creative-name department they make up for in the kill-you-in-ten-seconds department.

    Nonetheless, we eventually brought the hammer down on their asses.
    Jelvan was forever grateful, I GUESS.

    In conclusion, the moral of the story is: When you are forced to help someone and you sacrifice your life repeatedly for a cause you know nothing and care nothing about, you will be rewarded with shitty loots that leave you feeling cold, sad, vulnerable and alone, as they run away, disappearing into the night.

    Thanks for nothing, Jelvan, you think-for-yourselfer.

    In a related story, all 3 loots fit snugly in Jelvan’s anal cavity.

    *Holy Cow™, that’s a lot of The Funny

    (*Holy Cow™ is ©2005 Naturalhealer Evertease • All Rights Reserved)

    This is something out of the ordinary, but under the circumstances, I’ll let it slide this time! This update is going to have a Rot In Hell: Special Astaren Edition. So sit back and enjoy the angst powered by the world’s smallest penis:

    Rot In Hell: Special Edition

    by Astaren

    In case you haven't noticed, for the last couple updates there hasn't been a 'Rot in Hell'. Trust me, this has NOTHING to do with there being a lack of things that piss us off. Quarken is just a busy man. I mean, between all of the 'So the Red Sox won the World Series, what can we bitch about now?' meetings and the never ending influx of 'OMG UR MONK IS SO L33T' tells, I am amazed he finds time to update the site at all! This being said, I decided that I would take time out of my busy schedule of luring people in to asking what 'dees' means to bring you a 'Rot in Hell', Astaren style.
    Few people outside our guild know me very well, as I tend to not waste my time associating w/ retards. So before I begin, I will give you a little background about myself. I am a Shadowknight. And as most of you know, Shadowknights tend to be pretty pissed off most of the time. There is an ongoing debate about how this comes about. Sort of a 'chicken or the egg' kind of thing. Do people become bitter and hateful while they are playing their Shadowknight, or do they choose to play a Shadowknight b/c they are bitter and hateful? Who knows. All I know is that rarely a day goes by that something doesn't piss me off. Whether it is in game or the real world, I am constantly amazed at people's ability to come up w/ ways to make themselves look stupid. Be it a group that thinks it is kosher to intercept my named pull in WoS b/c they think I cannot solo it and forcing me to drop 30+ pissed off dragorns in their camp, or the guy who works at the convenience store near my apartment who is totally deaf and relies on lip reading to figure out what I am asking for, there is always something for me to gripe about. For this installment, I have decided to give all of the in game degenerate retards a break and focus on something near and dear to my heart in the real world: Shitty drivers.
    I like to drive. It is easily in my top ten list of 'most favorite things to do'. There is nothing like opening it up and cruising along at some insane speed, with the sunroof open and the stereo blasting. Jimmy Buffett once said 'A good pilot anticipates, and bad pilot reacts'. I have tried to model my driving after this phrase for as long as I have been behind the wheel. When I drive, that is what I am focused on. All of my attention is devoted to the road and everything that goes along with it. I am aware of everything that is going on with my vehicle and around it. To me, this only makes sense. I mean, you are in a 3000lb+ piece of machinery moving at high speed, it only makes sense, right? I am no math genius, but even I can comprehend what is going to happen if my 3000lb+ piece of German engineered ultimate driving machine goodness impacts YOUR piece of shit 3000lb+ rusted out pile of crap 1985 Buick Le Sabre. In a nutshell, you are going to really piss me off.
    So why then is it that SO many people pay SO little attention while they are driving? This, my friends, is the ultimate question. How could you possibly think it is ok to apply makeup or converse on a phone while driving a 1.5 ton instrument of death? What could possess someone to drive 50 mph in the fast lane WHEN THERE IS A CLEAR POSTED SPEED LIMIT OF 70 mph? This is easily one of life's greatest questions. Have no fear though, loyal Triality band wagon riders, I am going to solve this mystery for you.
    It is actually relatively simple, and can be summed up in one short sentence: People are stupid. Nothing else really needs to be said other than this, but I will elaborate for the more simple-minded of those who are enjoying this update (read: Grap). It is nothing more than simple lack of focus that causes accidents. With the rare exception of weather induced wrecks, EVERY accident on the highway could be prevented if dumb asses would only pay attention to what they are doing. Yes, if you have ever thought it would be a good idea to freshen up your mascara while driving, I am talking to you. If you ever thought it would be a great time to call your Mom and tell her about how your Nascar loving, mullet having boyfriend is treating you like the piece of shit white trash skank that you are while driving home from the swap meet, I am talking to you. If you ever thought putting a 'Rest in Peace #3' sticker on your 1987 IROC actually MADE you drive like Dale Earnhardt, I am talking to you. If you ever thought that driving next to someone on the highway, going the exact same speed they are, WHEN THERE IS NO ONE W/I A MILE IN EITHER DIRECTION OF YOU ON THE ROAD while I am trying to pass was a stroke of insightful brilliance, I am talking to you.
    If, while reading this update you have felt any kind of nagging feeling that I just MIGHT be directing this towards you, please do us all one simple favor. Hop in to your vehicle, roll your windows up tight and lock your doors. Now proceed to the nearest lake and drive off of a pier into the water. If all of the retarded, no driving skill having, pieces of road fodder will only follow this simple advice, the road will become safer place for all of us who actually enjoy driving and put some effort in to making it a safe means of transportation. But for those of you who will continue to insist on pissing me off with your 'In case of rapture, this vehicle will be unmanned' bumper sticker having cars, I hope you Rot In Hell.

    Originally posted by qxx • Jan 15, 2005 18:10
  • Quarken Era (2004-2013)

    Tacvi: Instanced For Her Pleasure

    First of all, folks, I think we can all agree we’re through with this uncreative tongue twisting naming system. It started slow, peaking around Vex Thal, and it’s not going away anytime soon. You’ve heard it all before and I’m just a redundant bastard but…it’s bad enough having to think about it when typing this business but you also have to train your fingers to go to these odd character combinations to get the names right. God forbid you make a typo on one of these words, you’ll have a gaggle of know-it-all-nazis racing to spell it correctly in guild chat just to make you look like a silly goose.

    Which is why I’m so happy we’re in Tacvi, Seat of the Slaver. You can almost say that word in English and have it sound natural! Oh ya, we’re in Tacvi now. Don’t you like how I just nonchalantly mentioned that? Truth is, I’m writing this just after we finished getting into Tacvi and I’m still jacked up from kicking Zun’Muram Tkarish Zyk‘s ass but I just wanted to sound like an egotistical bastard; mission accomplished.

    On a serious note, we really are steamrolling content. We haven’t had any major setbacks yet and we’re running like a machine. A good machine too; not one of those shitty generic machines. But, as always, we need to be bigger, stronger and faster. So, if you’re a cleric and you meet our requirements, you should really think about dropping an application. We would love to have you! /smilez

    Ok, let’s get down to the brown. Aside from mauling the assorted content that is in Txevu, Lair of the Elite (see below), we absolutely demolished Zun’Muram Tkarish Zyk tonight. Let me lay out the events of tonight with chronological pictures as a visual aid.

    Our very first Tacvi kill! It was a touching moment. /sniff They grow up so fast. Zun’Muram Tkarish Zyk loots were:

    I know we haven’t had a front page update in a while but we’ve been too busy tearing the ‘phonetically challenged’ zone that is Txevu into pieces. Let us show some Before & After pictures of some stuff we’ve killed as of late. As usual the After pictures are much more sexy.

    Here’s some assorted shots of the loot we’ve gotten from Txevu and such. I kept it organized for a while…then I slacked. You can play some sort of matching game where you match the loots with the mob that drops it. Email me your answers and the first person to get them all right gets a big prize of absolutely nothing. May the best man win.

    So that is all for now, I promise I’ll be putting better and more frequent updates up on here.

    Now, this is the part of the update that I write something to take up space when I have nothing else to write. If you care, I’m going to complain about Almond Joys, the ‘candy bar’.

    Have you ever heard the expression, “Like a kid in a candy store”? Of course you have. That expression can suck it because children are poor and the only thing I picture when I hear that is a depressed child surrounded by aisles of candy that he/she can’t buy. On the other hand, I’m rich and live a luxurious life. So when I went food shopping I happened upon the candy aisle and the little kid part of my brain kicked in and for no apparent reason, except for because I can, I bought a whole like 60 count box of Almond Joys. I don’t even like Almond Joys. It was just the first thing I saw and I had to have them. Not unlike that horrible expression, Almond Joys are deceitful and false when it comes to their name. They should be called, ‘Borderline FDA approved chocolate covering TWO fucking almonds swallowed in a sea of coconut…Joys’. Not only were these not Joyful but they were barely Almond. I’m pretty sure I have pancreatic cancer now because of ingesting these bastards. Try playing EverQuest all jacked up on AJs (that’s what we call them on the street: AJs. You gotta be down to know that). Your eyes will be the size of hubcaps and your leg(s) won’t stop shaking until you puke and pass out. I hated them but I couldn’t put them down. It’s the Devil’s candy, don’t give in. In conclusion:

    Originally posted by qxx • Jul 31, 2004 11:56
  • Quarken Era (2004-2013)

    Noq, Noq, Noqing On Txevu’s Door

    Summer is here and that means nothing, but I couldn’t figure out a better way to start this update. What’s in the news? Sadly, Ronald Reagan passed away. Never to be outdone, the Pepsi loving singer/songwriter/pianist/blind prodigy, Ray Charles had to ‘one-up’ Ronnie by dying only a few days later. I guess we know who was a closet Communist.

    Moving right along, the word on the street is our News author has moved on. Thankfully, she didn’t die like our beloved ex-president or Ray ‘Iron Curtain’ Charles. So I’ve been lucky enough to be granted the responsibility of updating the front page of the website for now. I’m already slacking though, I didn’t know I’d be doing an update so screenshots and moneyshots might be in short supply, next time I’ll have more…but don’t quote me on that.

    So since the last update, we’ve killed Vrex Barxt Qurat a bunch in the wonderful land of Uqua, the Ocean God Chantry Russian roulette *on*. We’ve been spending ample time in Qvic, Prayer Grounds of Calling just checking it out. In Qvic, we’ve done some slapping around of those half woman-half water buffalo? things and we’ve been getting an ass ton of Muramite molds and some neat augments (90hps/90mana) from them. We’ve killed Cynosure Kvanjji and the Zoo ring event (Iqthinxa Karnkvi) a few times; got some loot, shown below.

    Beyond that we spent a few days lollygagging around Inktu’Ta, the Unmasked Chapel. Oh the fun times we had, it was splendid. We killed us a Kelekdrix, Herald of Trushar a few times. Then, it happened. What happened, you ask? Stonemites happened. Everywhere.

    Let me tell you something about stonemites and Inktu’ta. Stonemites are pretty much the fat girl of Inktu’ta. I know I probably just insulted 90% of the female EverQuest population but it’s OK, I’m sure you all have fantastic personalities and are wonderful conversation. Let me explain. You know when you go to the bar, and you work your way through the crowd and all the bullshit to the bar for a drink, and you eye this cutie just across the way. After you drink yourself beyond cirrhosis of the liver, you walk over and go to talk to her. That’s when the fat, ugly, over-possessive friend shows up (who was probably in the bathroom futilely applying makeup to her behemoth face) and does everything in her power to cockblock you. You’ve got your eye on the prize, but you can’t get it until you get past her. It usually ends up the same way every time: You standing naked back where you started, surfing for porn while you wait for your rez…I mean, until you go out again. So in Inktu’ta, you see your goal, you go for your goal but before you can get there a million fat girls, I mean stonemites, fall on you saying things like, “Oh no girl, you came here with me, you’re going home with me”. Eventually we got our friend drunk enough that he would take the stonemites back to his place and fuck them kill them.

    That message was Inktu’ta letting us know we were about to get laid.

    Then, much like picking up a random bar whore, we got death touched…a lot. When we finally got to the clinic, we had our shot at Noquifel on Monday, Jun 7th. We smoked him down right quick and got our little token into Txevu. I hate to throw roses at ourselves, but it was a Vazaelle 1st. Actually, I’m more than happy to throw roses at us, pat our own backs and suck our own dicks…metaphorically speaking…not actually, you know, nothing, never mind.

    Txevu is a fun place. I was in high hopes that it would be 6% xp per kill, alas, it is not. We were plowing through looking for a fine bitch to get loot from and we found a room with a few sexy Ukuns in it: an event! Forgetting what happened to us just one night ago, we smoothly, strutted on over across the bar to work our magic but wouldn’t you know it: stonemites, by the millions.

    Unfortunately, our friend learned his lesson the first time and he wouldn’t take them home tonight, no matter how drunk we got him. So, we had to pass this event by for now and find some girl who was alone, follow her to her car and then…erm, ya so we found some other named to kill. I actually have some alibis screenshots!

    Well, that’s our status for now. I’ll try to keep updates coming regularly and remember: stonemites need lovin’ too.

    Originally posted by qxx • Jun 11, 2004 18:22