-
An Update Is Incoming
Originally posted by qxx • Jun 13, 2005 23:59
-
6’2″ And Rude As Hell
Yo everyone. You’ve probably noticed we haven’t had a front page update in a while. I’m sure you just figure I’m slacking again. Well, you’re wrong bitches. Actually, you’re right. Either way, let’s just get on with it – yes? Alright then. So, I guess here comes an action packed update with some dragons!
We haven’t had a front page update since Dragons of Norrath was released. That alone might be a telling indication of the awesomeness that resides within this newest expansion. That isn’t to insinuate that we aren’t ripping its shitter with our Alabama splitter – we are. It’s just not. that. exciting. But, by the power invested in me by Brother Nuntius & The Church of Triality, I will make this shit an exciting and memorable moment of your EverQuest reading experience.
In Dragons of Norrath we have been killing…dragons. Shock-er. Really though, I love killing dragons. Killing dragons is one of the most exciting adventures that sucked me and millions of other jobless, single, nerdy, white men into this game in the first place. I’ve been begging for some more dragons in our beloved game and I finally got them. I had something of a deeply reminiscent moment when we we’re all scattered around Rikkukin The Defender, killing his dragon ass, just like in the old days. I’m not scared to tell you: that shit was emotional for me. These new dragons are pretty hoss when compared to such classics as Trakanon and Lord Nagafen. But on the true scale of things, they crumbled like filthy putas under our collective clamhammers.
We went to Reflections of Silver first and toppled killed Rikkukin The Defender. Although I lack the sufficient evidence, in the form of a corpse or loot screenshot, he was a complete pussover. So easy in fact, that I’m sure full-blown retards could accidentally defeat Rikkukin during their Keyboard Buttons & How To Mash Them 101 exercises down at the community learning center.
Needless to say, with our amazing ability to implement the most advanced of tactics…
…and since we’re operating at a 60/40 on the half-retarded:full-blown retard ratio, we smoked his monkey ass.
Next up was the Kessdona’s Perch raid featuring, you guessed it, Kessdona The Enlightened. This fight was almost an exact replica of Rikkukin’s only it featured additional aggressive non-player characters attempting to usurp our loot and glory. Only our most experienced veteran troopers would pull us through this challenge and bring home The Big Dubya. Once again, victory would not be reached until the most seasoned myrmidons and generals within our ranks were working with the best of strategies:
We went forth and fought valiantly until our bloodlust was slaked!
And the loot…
I hope I managed to make these fights sound epic in scale and grand in adventure. You know, so it’s fun to read about. Because actually doing it…not so fun. Why? Let’s take a step back and talk about what this expansion is actually like so far.
In Dragons of Norrath, they’ve essentially eliminated traveling to any raid location. You port from the Guild Hall directly to the Lavastorm Mountains and start the expedition. So, zero distance traveled there. Then, you only walk like 100 feet to this year’s version of the Plane of Tranquility a.k.a. The Broodlands. Now you’re rerdy to zone into the expedition’s instance. So it’s absolutely no effort getting to each of these raids. No effort. No danger. No difficulty. No immersion. More importantly, no fun.
At this point, I’m thinking, “Surely the dungeon depths of these vicious, ancient, fabled beasts will be well guarded and defended by some of the most fierce and dedicated minions we’ve ever encountered. We better be ready to…”, oh wait – there’s nothing guarding any of these dragons. There’s actually nothing even in the zone except the dragon. Odd.
Now it’s got me thinking, “If we don’t have to fight to the dragon, then the dragon itself must be nothing short of The Sleeper on a BALCO® boost. This fight will be one for the ages and *fart noise* …I guess not because we walked in 25 feet, yawned in the dragon’s face and within 3 minutes it was dead; generously shitting out loot like an incontinent treasure chest. Fuckin’ ZZZ…ZZZ…
At this rate, when the next expansion drops, I expect to pay my $30, log in, at which point my inventory will be filled with whatever new gear that I have any possibility of attaining and I’ll just simply destroy what I don’t want. Lets cut out those last few trivial steps of the actual game and make the best expansion everrrrr! You can do it! We can do it together! Seriously, give me a job. Now. Obviously I have The Vision™ to take EverQuest to the next level.
Anyway, enough of that tomfoolery – here’s more tomfoolery. To use the word tomfoolery twice in one sentence has got to be a violation of what I will loosely refer to as ‘creative writing’.
That’s all for now! Check back soon because there’s another update around the corner. I swear it!
Originally posted by qxx • Mar 15, 2005 03:04
-
Meat Sandwich
Yo everyone. If you would all do me a small favor and pretend you’re reading this like 4 days ago, that would really help. Because I slacked hard enough that Nuntius disobeyed his monastery, broke his vow of silence and actually said something, it was to the effect of, “Update the site or I will shit in your coffee”. Since I prefer my coffee with a little cream, 1 sugar sans human excrement, here I am and here you are, so let us begin with a story…
First, we’re still looking for some Clerics and Druids to join up. So, if you’re interested, send Orruar a tell in-game before your apply. Check our requirements in the Application section of our forums. Also, if your application is going to look like an excerpt from a 16 year old girl’s GeoCities blog – please don’t bother! Now, where were we…
Slack Level Alert: Yellow Since it is 7:30 AM, I haven’t slept and I’m fresh out of cowboy killers, we’re going to skip straight to the end. The end of Gates of Discord, that is. We’re here to tell you we absolutely molested Tunat’Muram Cuu Vauax. We beat him so bad that we almost felt good about killing an event that should have been beatable 8 months ago.
Before 
8 months after Here is his loot minus the 2 rhi-dick-you-less augments we got. I won’t even grace them with the fame and fortune that is sure to come after being featured on our prestigious website. Those augments have to be an oversight because even a chest clapping downy wouldn’t put MNK/BST on 1HS augment and not put MNK/BST on the 1HB augment intentionally. Right? Right?!
We’ve also been rampaging around in the Asylum of Anguish and grabbing up Epic 2.0s like they were Cross Colours in ’88. Shut up – you wore them. Don’t deny it. I mean, I didn’t wear them but you definitely did.
The Funny
Originally posted by qxx • Feb 06, 2005 8:05
-
Are you one, Herbert?
Yo everyone. This update should have come yesterday but like Snow Satan decided to dump 7 kagillion meglo-tons of the white shit on my house and surrounding areas. So I spent the majority of my time yesterday outside socializing with my neighbors, while we searched for creative adjectives to weave into our useless small talk about the snow we’re all stuck shoveling. But enough of that dumb shit – we need to talk about the good shit.
Arch Magus Vangl is the good shit. This was a fun event. After being stuck in a one-sided relationship of convenience with that selfish bitch Jelvan, we just wanted some alone time to ourselves. I mean, I’m sure we’ll go back to Jelvan at some point but, for now, we just want to see whats out there and maybe try things out with other mobs. Since we were fresh out of that suffocating relationship with Jelvan, it’s not surprising that we got snatched up on the rebound by Arch Magus Vangl. He’s certainly not as eye appealing as Jelvan, to be sure, but a friend of ours said he was a pig in bed. We all know what kind of ‘goods’ Jelvan puts out. So, we were hoping to get something a little more intense out of Vangl. So yeah, we went up to that penthouse suite that he’s got in the Asylum of Anguish, you know, for a quick visit. But as soon as we tried to talk to him, he became very aggressive. We may be feeling a bit vulnerable from Jelvan’s abuse but we don’t take that shit from anyone. So we blew our collective rape whistles and gave him a face full of know-how.
It wasn’t long before he gave in and put out a lil’ sumthin sumthin. But…
….we were wrong – Jelvan puts out much better.
So anyway, we’re confused and alone again. Looking for loot in all the wrong places. But I think we found a new man. We just gotta test the waters, you know, talk to him a little before we make a commitment. Here’s a pic, he’s sooooo hawt like zomg.
/cue Sex and the City theme music
The Funny
Real fast, I need to share a miracle of the modern age with you all. This miracle will be difficult to believe but it’s something I’ve been waiting for, working towards, ever since I started this game and it finally happened. I feel like it is my greatest accomplishment to date in EverQuest, although I couldn’t have done it without the hard work and dedication of my guild mates. They helped make this dream a reality. So this is more of a thank you to them than anything else.
Now most of you just see icons, or perhaps a loser still using the default interface. But right there – that’s my buff window. But, it’s actually more than that. Take a closer look. Do you see it yet?
I’ve been playing since the year 2000 and, all my fucking EverQuest life, all I ever wanted was a perfect buff order. To be able to recognize, at a moments glance, what buff I am missing and to just plain ease my anal retentive obsessive compulsive pipe dream that is The Perfect Buff Order. Every single night I try to get the buffs in this specific order. But due to a plague of AFKs, slow replies for my buff requests and just plain buff cock-blockery, I had yet to achieve my never-dying dream. And now, it’s finally happened!
Look at how amazing that is! From right to left, I have my self buffs, my ATK buffs, my AC buffs, and then my HP buffs all perfectly arranged by the hand of God Himself. This is especially a miracle because I didn’t ask for a single one of these buffs – they were just cast upon me. Unbeknownst to my never-ending quest for The Perfect Buff Order, my guild mates made a small man’s dream come true. No fucking Selo’s being spammed, no rez effects fading and/or buff ninja’ing it’s way into my top slots all willy-nilly. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. Even more beautiful than that plastic grocery bag I saw that one time being chaotically blown in the wind.
Predictably, it didn’t last long because these bitches let me die about 4 minutes later. So thanks for nothing, you teases. You gave me my dream and like that *snaps fingers* – it was gone; taken away as if it meant nothing. It’s like you don’t even care about me or my whack ass dreams. To hell with all of you!
Originally posted by qxx • Jan 24, 2005 02:27
-
Immortal Corrupters
Yo everyone. It’s been a while since we’ve had a real update here and don’t think for a second I didn’t hear about it everyday! Truth be told, there isn’t much to update you on – nothing interesting anyway. Since the Muramite Proving Grounds trial raids are totally janked, we’ve been spending our non-Anguish raid time in Tacvi, Seat of the Slaver, killing those guys again to get the ‘upgraded’ loot which is a lot like getting rid of hemorrhoids: Good for you but nobody wants to hear about it. So that’s what was happening. Now, let’s talk about what is happening.
To do that, we shift our focus towards that lovely Asylum we call Anguish, which people do want to hear about! Our latest role-playing experience took us to this jive turkey named Jelvan, who selfishly enlisted our help to kill these three Tormentors who have been, judging by their name, tormenting him for quite some time – deep storyline breakdown there. He said he would help but I guess his idea of helping was more like not helping. So, once again relying on our council of seasoned strategists and elite tacticians…
…we threw ourselves against Jelvan’s arch-nemesisises Tanthi, Tantho and Tanthu the Tormentors. What the 3 vowel brothers lack in the creative-name department they make up for in the kill-you-in-ten-seconds department.
Nonetheless, we eventually brought the hammer down on their asses.
Jelvan was forever grateful, I GUESS.
In conclusion, the moral of the story is: When you are forced to help someone and you sacrifice your life repeatedly for a cause you know nothing and care nothing about, you will be rewarded with shitty loots that leave you feeling cold, sad, vulnerable and alone, as they run away, disappearing into the night.
Thanks for nothing, Jelvan, you think-for-yourselfer.
In a related story, all 3 loots fit snugly in Jelvan’s anal cavity.
*Holy Cow™, that’s a lot of The Funny
(*Holy Cow™ is ©2005 Naturalhealer Evertease • All Rights Reserved)
This is something out of the ordinary, but under the circumstances, I’ll let it slide this time! This update is going to have a Rot In Hell: Special Astaren Edition. So sit back and enjoy the angst powered by the world’s smallest penis:
Rot In Hell: Special Edition
by Astaren
In case you haven't noticed, for the last couple updates there hasn't been a 'Rot in Hell'. Trust me, this has NOTHING to do with there being a lack of things that piss us off. Quarken is just a busy man. I mean, between all of the 'So the Red Sox won the World Series, what can we bitch about now?' meetings and the never ending influx of 'OMG UR MONK IS SO L33T' tells, I am amazed he finds time to update the site at all! This being said, I decided that I would take time out of my busy schedule of luring people in to asking what 'dees' means to bring you a 'Rot in Hell', Astaren style. Few people outside our guild know me very well, as I tend to not waste my time associating w/ retards. So before I begin, I will give you a little background about myself. I am a Shadowknight. And as most of you know, Shadowknights tend to be pretty pissed off most of the time. There is an ongoing debate about how this comes about. Sort of a 'chicken or the egg' kind of thing. Do people become bitter and hateful while they are playing their Shadowknight, or do they choose to play a Shadowknight b/c they are bitter and hateful? Who knows. All I know is that rarely a day goes by that something doesn't piss me off. Whether it is in game or the real world, I am constantly amazed at people's ability to come up w/ ways to make themselves look stupid. Be it a group that thinks it is kosher to intercept my named pull in WoS b/c they think I cannot solo it and forcing me to drop 30+ pissed off dragorns in their camp, or the guy who works at the convenience store near my apartment who is totally deaf and relies on lip reading to figure out what I am asking for, there is always something for me to gripe about. For this installment, I have decided to give all of the in game degenerate retards a break and focus on something near and dear to my heart in the real world: Shitty drivers. I like to drive. It is easily in my top ten list of 'most favorite things to do'. There is nothing like opening it up and cruising along at some insane speed, with the sunroof open and the stereo blasting. Jimmy Buffett once said 'A good pilot anticipates, and bad pilot reacts'. I have tried to model my driving after this phrase for as long as I have been behind the wheel. When I drive, that is what I am focused on. All of my attention is devoted to the road and everything that goes along with it. I am aware of everything that is going on with my vehicle and around it. To me, this only makes sense. I mean, you are in a 3000lb+ piece of machinery moving at high speed, it only makes sense, right? I am no math genius, but even I can comprehend what is going to happen if my 3000lb+ piece of German engineered ultimate driving machine goodness impacts YOUR piece of shit 3000lb+ rusted out pile of crap 1985 Buick Le Sabre. In a nutshell, you are going to really piss me off. So why then is it that SO many people pay SO little attention while they are driving? This, my friends, is the ultimate question. How could you possibly think it is ok to apply makeup or converse on a phone while driving a 1.5 ton instrument of death? What could possess someone to drive 50 mph in the fast lane WHEN THERE IS A CLEAR POSTED SPEED LIMIT OF 70 mph? This is easily one of life's greatest questions. Have no fear though, loyal Triality band wagon riders, I am going to solve this mystery for you. It is actually relatively simple, and can be summed up in one short sentence: People are stupid. Nothing else really needs to be said other than this, but I will elaborate for the more simple-minded of those who are enjoying this update (read: Grap). It is nothing more than simple lack of focus that causes accidents. With the rare exception of weather induced wrecks, EVERY accident on the highway could be prevented if dumb asses would only pay attention to what they are doing. Yes, if you have ever thought it would be a good idea to freshen up your mascara while driving, I am talking to you. If you ever thought it would be a great time to call your Mom and tell her about how your Nascar loving, mullet having boyfriend is treating you like the piece of shit white trash skank that you are while driving home from the swap meet, I am talking to you. If you ever thought putting a 'Rest in Peace #3' sticker on your 1987 IROC actually MADE you drive like Dale Earnhardt, I am talking to you. If you ever thought that driving next to someone on the highway, going the exact same speed they are, WHEN THERE IS NO ONE W/I A MILE IN EITHER DIRECTION OF YOU ON THE ROAD while I am trying to pass was a stroke of insightful brilliance, I am talking to you. If, while reading this update you have felt any kind of nagging feeling that I just MIGHT be directing this towards you, please do us all one simple favor. Hop in to your vehicle, roll your windows up tight and lock your doors. Now proceed to the nearest lake and drive off of a pier into the water. If all of the retarded, no driving skill having, pieces of road fodder will only follow this simple advice, the road will become safer place for all of us who actually enjoy driving and put some effort in to making it a safe means of transportation. But for those of you who will continue to insist on pissing me off with your 'In case of rapture, this vehicle will be unmanned' bumper sticker having cars, I hope you Rot In Hell.
Originally posted by qxx • Jan 15, 2005 18:10
-
Chiggity Check 2-0-1-2
Yo everyone. This is getting intense zomg! Orruar is cracking whips to crank out front page updates because we just can’t keep ourselves from whipping up brand new, never-before-seen Epic 2.0s
So, hot off the presses we give you Dalnoth, in all his rogue glory, representing with the first ever Rogue Epic 2.0: Nightshade, Blade of Entropy
So ya, for more game-wide first ever Epic 2.0s, keep coming back. Holla.
As a reminder, we are recruiting:
Necromancers
Updated Mar 15, 2005
Paladins
Warriors
MagiciansFor the sake of consistency we’ll throw some of quotes at you. But it’s not really the [usual] quote section. Well, it’s kind of the [usual] quotes but just very short. Cut me some slack – these updates are coming at a fast pace. God damn overachievers.
Originally posted by qxx • Dec 16, 2004 22:52
-
I will unlock my door and pass the cemetery gates…
Yo everyone. I’m gonna throw out the quick update, an abridged update if you will. We’re still laying the hurt on Warden Hanvar whenever he’s poppin’ and we’ve been hauling in new loots every time he’s droppin’. Such as:
Also, we are recruiting:
Necromancers
Updated Dec 13, 2004
Paladins
Warriors
Magicians
More importantly, we must congratulate at Medaan “Doobee Doobee Dizzle” Songweaver for finishing the first ever Bard Epic 2.0: Blade of Vesagran
For those paying attention, you’ll notice a pattern that is forming here. For those not paying attention: Adult A.D.D. kills – remember that.
The Funny, The Funny, Th-Th-The Funny
The Deez-N-U-Teez Collection
Originally posted by qxx • Dec 13, 2004 01:04
-
So Hardcore Like Quick Draw McGraw
Yo everyone. Thanksgiving is over and I don’t know about any of you, but I ingested enough tryptophan to put a bull elephant into a drooling state of sedation. Regardless of our poultry induced zombie stasis, we’ve been visiting the Asylum of Anguish again. And what better way to detox the turkey addiction than to lay some dank down on Warden Hanvar.
The loots!
Also, a megalo-grats (i.e., the biggest grats ever) to Naturalhealer Evertease for busting her <censored> and finishing the first ever Cleric Epic 2.0: Aegis of Superior Divinity
Just a spoiler for any guilds approaching this particular Epic 2.0 quest: the final fight is ridiculous. It might just be ‘un-tuned’ at this time, but bring at least 40-55 people. We had 44 people at the start of this thing and, within 2 minutes time, it dwindled down to maybe 12 people. We had people getting bounced back to bind points faster than you could say, “wtf d00d?!”. You’ll thank me later.
LOL @ U
Originally posted by qxx • Nov 30, 2004 00:03
-
We’re Not Happy ‘Til You’re Not Happy
Konnichiwa, bitches. This is our first real front page update in a while. Even though it’s 120° degrees in this room and there’s enough sweat on my ass to drown a camel, I’m going to put my nose to the grindstone and give ya the tizight update. Holla at’cha boy.
I’ve been slacking some since last update. If you’re surprised, go splash some cold water on your face and come back when you’re ready. Good? Okay. The Red Sox made the playoffs and they are being led by the EverQuest junkie that is Curt Schilling. Schilling is the living amalgamation of the only 2 things in this world I love: EverQuest and Red Sox baseball. Hmm, love is such a strong word – fanatically obsessed to an unhealthy degree is slightly more accurate. So, me being balls deep in playoff baseball hype explains why no front page updates lately. That could also explain why I’m missing some pictures of the loot we’ve been getting – and by could I mean definitely. Don’t run away yet though – there’s still 30 pictures of deliciously fresh new loots down below.
Ya so, last update I said we finished two Trials of Mastery in Muramite Proving Grounds. For reference, here’s our status as of yesterday:
Now you’re probably saying to yourself, aloud and quite retardedly, “LOL dood, thers six trials. haev u done teh other one??” That’s why I said, “status as of yesterday“! Ha. Ha. I’m just so clever. That’s what we in the business call a ‘teaser’. Because guess what we did tonight?! If you guessed ‘defeated the Mastery of Hate trial and got access to the Asylum of Anguish‘ then congratulations – you get to drink from the fire hose!
Indeed, the Mastery of Hate trial has been Dickeyed™
We’re super anticipating the non-bugged, totally completed & non-cockblocking zone that definitely lies ahead of us. We’ll be popping into Anguish soon, only to probably get chain mez’d by some ridiculous AE…or something…I’m guessing……Regardless, Dickeyes™ will be promptly distributed and front page updates on this here website will follow “immediately” – what I consider “immediately”.
Other than that, we’ve been hitting up Tacvi, Seat of the Slaver on occasion still, as well as Riftseeker’s Sanctum and, of course, those Epic 2.0 quest things. Now for the loots of our efforts!
The Fishlip Collection
The Deez-N.U.-Teez Collection
Assorted Teh Funny
Misc. Funny
Originally posted by qxx • Oct 15, 2004 01:05
-
Tacvi: Instanced For Her Pleasure
First of all, folks, I think we can all agree we’re through with this uncreative tongue twisting naming system. It started slow, peaking around Vex Thal, and it’s not going away anytime soon. You’ve heard it all before and I’m just a redundant bastard but…it’s bad enough having to think about it when typing this business but you also have to train your fingers to go to these odd character combinations to get the names right. God forbid you make a typo on one of these words, you’ll have a gaggle of know-it-all-nazis racing to spell it correctly in guild chat just to make you look like a silly goose.
Which is why I’m so happy we’re in Tacvi, Seat of the Slaver. You can almost say that word in English and have it sound natural! Oh ya, we’re in Tacvi now. Don’t you like how I just nonchalantly mentioned that? Truth is, I’m writing this just after we finished getting into Tacvi and I’m still jacked up from kicking Zun’Muram Tkarish Zyk‘s ass but I just wanted to sound like an egotistical bastard; mission accomplished.
On a serious note, we really are steamrolling content. We haven’t had any major setbacks yet and we’re running like a machine. A good machine too; not one of those shitty generic machines. But, as always, we need to be bigger, stronger and faster. So, if you’re a cleric and you meet our requirements, you should really think about dropping an application. We would love to have you! /smilez
Ok, let’s get down to the brown. Aside from mauling the assorted content that is in Txevu, Lair of the Elite (see below), we absolutely demolished Zun’Muram Tkarish Zyk tonight. Let me lay out the events of tonight with chronological pictures as a visual aid.
Our very first Tacvi kill! It was a touching moment. /sniff They grow up so fast. Zun’Muram Tkarish Zyk loots were:
I know we haven’t had a front page update in a while but we’ve been too busy tearing the ‘phonetically challenged’ zone that is Txevu into pieces. Let us show some Before & After pictures of some stuff we’ve killed as of late. As usual the After pictures are much more sexy.
Here’s some assorted shots of the loot we’ve gotten from Txevu and such. I kept it organized for a while…then I slacked. You can play some sort of matching game where you match the loots with the mob that drops it. Email me your answers and the first person to get them all right gets a big prize of absolutely nothing. May the best man win.
So that is all for now, I promise I’ll be putting better and more frequent updates up on here.
Now, this is the part of the update that I write something to take up space when I have nothing else to write. If you care, I’m going to complain about Almond Joys, the ‘candy bar’.
Have you ever heard the expression, “Like a kid in a candy store”? Of course you have. That expression can suck it because children are poor and the only thing I picture when I hear that is a depressed child surrounded by aisles of candy that he/she can’t buy. On the other hand, I’m rich and live a luxurious life. So when I went food shopping I happened upon the candy aisle and the little kid part of my brain kicked in and for no apparent reason, except for because I can, I bought a whole like 60 count box of Almond Joys. I don’t even like Almond Joys. It was just the first thing I saw and I had to have them. Not unlike that horrible expression, Almond Joys are deceitful and false when it comes to their name. They should be called, ‘Borderline FDA approved chocolate covering TWO fucking almonds swallowed in a sea of coconut…Joys’. Not only were these not Joyful but they were barely Almond. I’m pretty sure I have pancreatic cancer now because of ingesting these bastards. Try playing EverQuest all jacked up on AJs (that’s what we call them on the street: AJs. You gotta be down to know that). Your eyes will be the size of hubcaps and your leg(s) won’t stop shaking until you puke and pass out. I hated them but I couldn’t put them down. It’s the Devil’s candy, don’t give in. In conclusion:
Originally posted by qxx • Jul 31, 2004 11:56
