Quarken Era (2004-2013)

6’2″ And Rude As Hell

Yo everyone. You’ve probably noticed we haven’t had a front page update in a while. I’m sure you just figure I’m slacking again. Well, you’re wrong bitches. Actually, you’re right. Either way, let’s just get on with it – yes? Alright then. So, I guess here comes an action packed update with some dragons!

We haven’t had a front page update since Dragons of Norrath was released. That alone might be a telling indication of the awesomeness that resides within this newest expansion. That isn’t to insinuate that we aren’t ripping its shitter with our Alabama splitter – we are. It’s just not. that. exciting. But, by the power invested in me by Brother Nuntius & The Church of Triality, I will make this shit an exciting and memorable moment of your EverQuest reading experience.

In Dragons of Norrath we have been killing…dragons. Shock-er. Really though, I love killing dragons. Killing dragons is one of the most exciting adventures that sucked me and millions of other jobless, single, nerdy, white men into this game in the first place. I’ve been begging for some more dragons in our beloved game and I finally got them. I had something of a deeply reminiscent moment when we we’re all scattered around Rikkukin The Defender, killing his dragon ass, just like in the old days. I’m not scared to tell you: that shit was emotional for me. These new dragons are pretty hoss when compared to such classics as Trakanon and Lord Nagafen. But on the true scale of things, they crumbled like filthy putas under our collective clamhammers.

We went to Reflections of Silver first and toppled killed Rikkukin The Defender. Although I lack the sufficient evidence, in the form of a corpse or loot screenshot, he was a complete pussover. So easy in fact, that I’m sure full-blown retards could accidentally defeat Rikkukin during their Keyboard Buttons & How To Mash Them 101 exercises down at the community learning center.

Needless to say, with our amazing ability to implement the most advanced of tactics…

…and since we’re operating at a 60/40 on the half-retarded:full-blown retard ratio, we smoked his monkey ass.

Next up was the Kessdona’s Perch raid featuring, you guessed it, Kessdona The Enlightened. This fight was almost an exact replica of Rikkukin’s only it featured additional aggressive non-player characters attempting to usurp our loot and glory. Only our most experienced veteran troopers would pull us through this challenge and bring home The Big Dubya. Once again, victory would not be reached until the most seasoned myrmidons and generals within our ranks were working with the best of strategies:

We went forth and fought valiantly until our bloodlust was slaked!

And the loot…

I hope I managed to make these fights sound epic in scale and grand in adventure. You know, so it’s fun to read about. Because actually doing it…not so fun. Why? Let’s take a step back and talk about what this expansion is actually like so far.

In Dragons of Norrath, they’ve essentially eliminated traveling to any raid location. You port from the Guild Hall directly to the Lavastorm Mountains and start the expedition. So, zero distance traveled there. Then, you only walk like 100 feet to this year’s version of the Plane of Tranquility a.k.a. The Broodlands. Now you’re rerdy to zone into the expedition’s instance. So it’s absolutely no effort getting to each of these raids. No effort. No danger. No difficulty. No immersion. More importantly, no fun.

At this point, I’m thinking, “Surely the dungeon depths of these vicious, ancient, fabled beasts will be well guarded and defended by some of the most fierce and dedicated minions we’ve ever encountered. We better be ready to…”, oh wait – there’s nothing guarding any of these dragons. There’s actually nothing even in the zone except the dragon. Odd.

Now it’s got me thinking, “If we don’t have to fight to the dragon, then the dragon itself must be nothing short of The Sleeper on a BALCO® boost. This fight will be one for the ages and *fart noise* …I guess not because we walked in 25 feet, yawned in the dragon’s face and within 3 minutes it was dead; generously shitting out loot like an incontinent treasure chest. Fuckin’ ZZZ…ZZZ…

At this rate, when the next expansion drops, I expect to pay my $30, log in, at which point my inventory will be filled with whatever new gear that I have any possibility of attaining and I’ll just simply destroy what I don’t want. Lets cut out those last few trivial steps of the actual game and make the best expansion everrrrr! You can do it! We can do it together! Seriously, give me a job. Now. Obviously I have The Vision™ to take EverQuest to the next level.

Anyway, enough of that tomfoolery – here’s more tomfoolery. To use the word tomfoolery twice in one sentence has got to be a violation of what I will loosely refer to as ‘creative writing’.

That’s all for now! Check back soon because there’s another update around the corner. I swear it!

Originally posted by qxx • Mar 15, 2005 03:04

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