Quarken Era (2004-2013)

Quarken Xired began writing front page updates in 2004, during Gates of Discord, until the final days of Triality in 2013.

  • Quarken Era (2004-2013)

    We Doin’ Drive-Bys On Freestyle Bikes

    December 3, 2005 /

    Yo everyone. So I started writing this last night but I got sidetracked by a lot of real life responsibilities I’m dealing with right now (i.e., fired up the PS2 and played Star Wars Battlefront II for 16 hours). Turns out it was lucky for us that I had to extinguish the Imperial threat on Endor because I’d be doing another update tonight if I hadn’t slacked. See? It pays to be lazy and addicted to the occasional console game sometimes.

    Confused? Okay, what I mean exactly is: we killed Sendaii, the Hive Queen last night for the first time and, when I should have been preparing the update for that, we went ahead and hit Emperor Draygun, the Lich King with some sweet chin music. So now it’s like, ya know, a 2-for-1. A better value per update for you and less work for me. Win/win.

    Needless to say, this front page update is action packed with our magnificent adventures through the dankest, darkest Depths of Darkhollow. Why don’t you settle in and read on to see what I’m talking about, you silly little goose.

    Oh, before I forget: we are recruiting! You need to read our requirements and whatnot before you apply. We’re looking for good members to fill out our ranks. Here’s an itemized list of the classes we’re looking for:

    Cleric: 2
    Enchanter: 1
    Ranger: 1
    Rogue: 2
    Wizard: 1

    If you feel our lovely guild is the place you want to be, send Llohannis or Grap a tell in-game before you apply.

    Ok, where were we. Ah yes. Let’s start off with a list. Let’s title this list:

    ‘Things We’d Rather Do Than The Hive Queen Event‘

    • Have a Naked Twister competition in a colony of lepers who all have Parkinson’s disease.
    • Play a blindfolded game of ‘What’s In My Mouth?’ with an incontinent coprophiliac.
    • Build a time machine, go back about a year to celebrate Christmas on the island of Phuket.
    • Eat a shipment of laxatives and attempt to kayak across the English Channel.

    Why would I and 53 other people rather do the awful[ly delightful] things on that list rather than do this event? Because this event is ri-dic-u-lous-ly long. Absurdly long. It’s not even that difficult. The only difficulty lies with how long can you not-piss-your-pants before you’re forced to ninja AFK and consequently wipe the raid, wasting 54 man hours because that’s just how life is sometimes. Wave 3 is just the most annoying shit a human could dream up because its like the world’s worst Russian nesting doll collection. Shitty mobs that die and make more shitty mobs, that die and make shittier mobs, who die and make the shittiest of mobs and so on. They’re probably still replicating their shitty selves as I type this.

    Let me throw out a spoiler for anyone working on this event: Once you put in a full 9-5 shift doing Waves 1 & 2, you’ll eventually get to Wave 3. Amazing how that works out isn’t it? Anyway, in Wave 3 you gotta kill [shitty] mobs that generate more [shitty] mobs, as previously mentioned. So here’s the spoiler: First, you get 6 spiders that, when killed, make 2 spiders each. When you kill each of those spiders you get a completely bored raid that begins to develop stomach ulcers as they slowly realize we’re going to be stuck here well until the end of times and even then more [shitty] spiders will spawn.

    So, we killed her and there was much cheering, wooting and piss-breaking. In total, the event took us 86 years minutes. Ya know, when it comes to judging how much fun events are, I use this rule of thumb: Any event that lasts longer than I do in the sex is an excessive waste of time especially when it’s a whole 85 minutes longer. Like I said, the event isn’t difficult it’s just a race against Attention Deficit Disorder slowly taking over until it’s running around like the Ultimate Warrior in ’89, no-selling our spells and disciplines while throwing all of us over the top rope.

    4 out of 5

    Despite all of that, it did feel good to be progressing through The Depths of Darkhollow again. Ahh yes, the loots. They weren’t bad considering what we could have got from her (i.e., much shit):

    Now, as I was saying at the start of this update, our first time victory over Queen Sendaii was last night. Tonight we were about to get our farm on in the Asylum of Anguish again for the kagillionth time when we shifted gears and decided to take our ass kicking momentum straight over to Emperor Draygun, the Lich King and good thing we did because he went down like Emperor Draygun, the Bitch King. Get it? Ha. Ha. See what I did there? We killed him on the very first attempt tonight too, which made for a special feeling in our collective unmentionables.

    5 out of 5

    The loots sucked balls but whatever, that’s this expansion’s theme it seems. So I don’t think anyone was expecting anything fantastic in the loot department but here it is all the same.

    Let’s take a quick minute to talk about this ‘Curse of Blood’ shit. We don’t really know all the details around it so we’ve just been slaying and praying that, at some point, it gives us more ~moar powah~ in some form, like it always seems to indicate. And make no mistake – it never fails to indicate that. Just look at the last two sentences up there when Draygun died. The word power is mentioned 3 times. And after all, it is listed in the AA window. All signs indicate that this bitch gon’ be the hookup at some stage.

    So as we strolled into our 5th Blood raid and strolled out with our 5th victory and a maxed out Curse of Blood AA (now called Invitation of Blood), some people were waiting and hoping beyond hope for something, anything, to happen now that we have max rank of this shit – and guess what? *wet fart noise*

    So basically Fishlip’s dick is confirmed to be bigger and indeed the rest of us are speculatively bigger in the e-peen dept. but we would have been all these things without a poorly implemented, fake-ass, expansion defining, chase non-AA? In practice, it is a complete waste and didn’t even need to exist in the game. So what the fuck is it actually? I’ll tell you what it isn’t and through the process of elimination, we’ll be left with a steaming pile of what-it-is.

    I understand people will say this is a prerequisite for getting into The Demi-Plane of Blood but that is bullshit. Getting a character flag upon defeating each of those 5 raids is the prerequisite, not a misleading ‘Alternate Advancement Ability’. We’ve had plenty of character flags in the past and they weren’t in the form of a red herring AA.

    Rumor has it that there are ability and stat sapping zone-wide spells in our near future and each rank of this counteracts or mitigates them. What the fuck is that bullshit? There has to be a better way to flag a character, key a character and design zone hazards that aren’t a misleading, retarded, convoluted MacGuffin in our AA window. Making people think, rightfully so, that this somehow is going to universally beef up their character and then sticking a big rubbery one up their dark hollow is shit. It’s shit. Just another shit idea, shit design implementation and an ambiguous shit bread crumb trail that makes modern day EverQuest a head scratching, overwhelming, confusing shitheap. Try explaining all of this to a new player; someone that hasn’t developed a Stockholm syndrome to modern EverQuest’s design logic. See what they think about all that and then ask yourself why subscriptions are sliding down the toilet like an Olympic shit luge. Also, shit.

    I think that wraps up this little soirée, for now. We’ll probably be having another update again soon since Demi-Plane of Blood is a mere few days away. Peace in your crease, my niece.

    Originally posted by qxx • Dec 03, 2005 02:22
    Continue Reading...
  • Quarken Era (2004-2013)

    Kiss Me Where It Smells Funny

    October 14, 2005 /

    Yo everyone. A front page update. It’s totally amazing, I know. This here will be the first update since Depths of Darkhollow has gone live. There are so many new features in Depths of Darkhollow to talk about which I’m going to do after we give you the dirty, filthy, greasy info on what we’ve been doing lately. So much to type and so little time. Well, truthfully, there’s all the time in the world but I need to get back to the slack A.S.A.P.I.R.L.

    We’re recruiting. That means you. You right there. You can apply to Triality…mmmmmaybe! Let’s keep this within reason, Charlie. You need to read our requirements and whatnot before you apply. We’re looking for good members to fill our ranks in almost every class except filthy paladins & grimy shadowknights. So if you’re a paladin or shadowknight, you just hold your horses. Here’s an itemized list of what we’re looking for:

    Berserker: 1
    Cleric: 2
    Enchanter: 1
    Wizard: 2

    Updated Nov 28, 2005

    I’ll keep that list updated as we find people to fill in the spots. So if you think, “Yes, Triality is OK w/ me”, then you’ll be needing to send Miss Llohannis or Mister Grap a tell in the MMORPG EverQuest. Once you’ve done that, the next step will likely be ‘create an application and post it on our forums’. I’ve been in this guild a while, I’m going to share some top secret inf0z with you right here. If your app:

    • …is 1 sentence.
      Close your current window. Go to C:\Program Files\EverQuest and delete everything.
    • …has the grammar and readability of a 16 year old Asian girl’s AOL member web page.
      Slap yourself in the face with a bag of scorpion stingers. Immediately.
    • …is lacking a profile because you can’t decipher the mystical, magical complications of Magelo.
      Go to your basement and saw off your hands.

    Alright, enough funny business. I don’t want this update to be all horseplay and rabble-rousing, we have complete seriousness to get to. Let’s all be Serious Men™ and talk turkey here.

    We’ve been raiding all sorts of Depths in Darkhollow shit but primarily we’ve been doing the “Blood” raids. We got to The Council of Nine first. And by “got”, I mean serial killed his face with great haste.

    1 out of 5

    Aaaand after that we met up with Matriarch Shyra. She’s a big sexy werewolf. There’s really nothing to this fight. We just walked in and ate her pudding. She’s boring; needs a little spicing up, eh? A little of the ole’ spicy spice eh? A little spicetastical spicy spiciness EH? Ahh, I’m totally out of control right now and it feels great. /thumbs up

    2 out of 5

    I forgot to screenshot the words of lore from Shyra. It probably said something crazy and awesome explaining why these “abilities” in my Alternate Ability window aren’t actually abilities at all.

    I think after that we went to slaughter Bloodeye. This is a fight where you pretend you’re not letting people die but you’re really letting people die. It’s a pretty fun fight, people just dying and flopping all over. Anyway, between killing each other, we managed to kill him too.

    3 out of 5

    We did some other non-progression raids when Depths of Darkhollow first came out as well. We quickly found out most are worthless trash piles. I didn’t take any pictures, except of the mushroom Sporali king fellow, Antraygus, the Sporali King! That guy is awesome. The fight was hilarious; people getting tossed all over the place willy-nilly. It was a total g-flux zergfest. Anyway, fun or no fun, we killed him of course. Sorry, Big Gus.

    Other than that we’ve been poking around Dreadspire Keep, working on Demi-Plane of Blood keys and just having a super duper awesome time, I GUESS.

    So, in the opening (that’s what us pros call the first paragraph; the opening. You didn’t know that shit did ya? Wham! Knowledge sharing.) I said I’d talk about Depths of Darkhollow a little bit. So, here it is.

    When Depths of Darkhollow was originally announced and the features were up on the Official EverQuest web site, nothing really jumped out at me, you know? Nothing really impressed me, I guess you could say. And I think I’ve figured out what it is. There are no good features in Depths of Darkhollow. None. I mean on the website, they list new…

    • Alternate abilities
    • Spells
    • Zones
    • Items
    • Tradeskill recipes

    …as like highlights of an expansion. What the fuck is that? Don’t list it – all that shit better come with the new expansion. That shit is a given. Without those what the fuck could you even be expanding for this expansion. Listing zones, really? Without new zones, you literally can’t have a motherfucking expansion. You have to have all new ‘those things’. Do you think a restaurant advertises that they will be serving food on plates and having restrooms so people don’t shit and piss all over the walls and floor, as features? Of course not! Because those are, without a doubt, going to be there.

    I’m sick of that shitty deceptive advertising. Because you can’t fill up more than a few sentences describing the only “new” things of this expansion, so you toss that of-course-it’s-in-there bullshit on the box for filler. Advertising new zones in a god. damn. expansion is a little re -dundant or -tarded – you decide.

    Now let’s look at the actual features: Monster Missions and Spirit Shrouds.

    Fuck these things in their variety of faces. People gaining experience doing something besides playing their own class and character? Super awesome good idea…I can’t wait to see the people who’ve gotten 75% of their total experience romping around these bad Larrys. I’m sure they’ll be packed full of skill and aptitude of their actual class. After doing a good handful of Monster Missions, to form my always unbiased and objective opinion, I came to realize that, in a Monster Mission, everything I’ve worked for in EverQuest – all my gear, AA’s, discs, skills, etc… – are just…gone. Eliminated. Nullified. Not present. Who would enjoy this and why? I just don’t understand the appeal of playing as a worse version of myself in some shitty NPC illusion, which is exactly what Monster Missions are. But wait! There’s more to it than that.

    When you spend an hour doing something, even if you fail at your objective, usually there’s some experience gained at least, to make up for it. Like, if I spend a few hours camping some item, and I don’t get the item, at least I’ve gotten some experience killing mobs for the chance at it. If the mobs I have to kill don’t yield experience, it’s still my decision to go there and do it. I’ve done some monster missions that only yield experience upon a victory. So, if you spend an hour or two – shit, or more – trying to do some ridiculous objectives and you fail, you get no fucking experience gain. You basically pissed away a few hours aggravating yourself and hating EverQuest just a little bit more.

    There’s some basic building blocks to the game of EverQuest. Whether they are a necessity, or just something we’ve come dependent on, is up for discussion. But I would be willing to wager 99% of the non-retarded population playing this game will agree that the ability to resurrect someone is one of the most important and useful abilities in the game and especially in a group setting. Forget the experience reimbursement portion of resurrection, that is a moot point. In a Monster Mission, you don’t’ lose experience upon death and you respawn at zone in. But what about instances that have mobs that repop and the location of your objective to update the task asks you to be deep within the zone? Well, when resurrected in a Monster Mission, you can’t get back to your group from the zone in; it’s virtually impossible. And when you’re limited to 3 “classes” to choose from, losing 1 person can be a critical failure. So you work up to that point for a while and if someone dies, then what? You’re just fucked? Pack up your shit and go home? What a fucking blast. So much fun. Holy shit.

    The balancing of tank hit points and healer mana regeneration for these ‘monsters’ is totally out of sync in a lot of these missions. When you give a tank 20k HPs and the best heal available is only a 4,000 point rubbery floppy thing of a heal, which also costs an asston of mana – that’s just straight retarded. Top that cake off with the fact that mana regeneration is a fucking joke. Even with Mental Clarity ranked to the fuckin gills, you’ll be sitting to med like this shit was Lower Guk in 1999.

    There was one particular mission where a bunch of mobs came to rub their sacks all up in my grill. We did the mission with 5 people; it was in the Hive. The class options were Warrior, Cleric, and Wizard – which is actually an Enchanter – why. The monster mission had this little ring event in the upstairs of the west tower. So, we plow up there at the speed of a legless invalid. And when we finally got up there for the ring event, the warrior died. No problem, right? It happens. WELL, with no way to rez, and repops alllll the way up to us, we really had to slap on the black face paint and get fully Mission-Impossibled up, just to continue with our monster mission. We had to keep training a shitload of mobs away and at just the right time, respawn ourselves back into the mission, before the mobs pathed back. So, the ability to simply return to your group is less not dependent on the abilities assigned to the whack ass monster vessel you have to inhabit in for these missions but rather more dependent on your computer loading the zone file fast, so you can try to respawn in and run for safety, before the mobs path back and put it in your butt. Again. Super cool.

    During the ring event, we’d get 2 mobs at a time. We’d kill 2 and then get another wave of 2. Kill 1 of those, then have the “Wizard” mez the other while the Cleric meds for half a fucking hour. There were about 10 waves. So, if you do the math, that’s like 30 minutes per wave. You better pray nobody dies or your back at square one. And round and round it goes. What. fun.

    There was another monster mission I did, some instanced version of Runnyeye, where I’m a level 30ish Sporali killing evil eyes. With no resists, because that’s what they decided to give my monster vessel – no control over that! So, it was definitely an awesome time having the evil eyes chain blind spells, stuns and, of course, gflux me all over the fuckin dungeon. At one point I actually punched myself in the throat after realizing I paid money for this experience. I mean honestly, it was ridiculous. I find it hard to believe (read as: impossible to believe) anyone tested or casually played that mission and said, “PERFECT” before sending it off with a stamp of approval, only to be added into the expansion.

    Granted not all Monster Missions are this out of whack, but the general idea behind them is just too much for me to handle. But I guess if you get off on playing as some NPC illusion, with limited and untuned abilities and stats, then Monster Missions are right up your alley.

    I probably wouldn’t be so upset with Monster Missions if they weren’t the only real feature of this entire expansion. Monster Missions and Spirit Shrouds, that’s it. To me a feature is something new to the game, that makes a particular expansion unique. I guess by that definition evolving items are a feature as well, but I’m only agreeing to that because I don’t want to split hairs about how shitty those things are in principal (e.g., pointless time-sink & false increases). I know I got pretty lengthy here, but please believe, there’s a lot more I’d like to say but I’m not sure I have the patience or self control to get it all out coherently. I had started writing some more bullshit about how the life span of these new expansions is only a couple months and how the lack of content and the over usage of instancing is killing the game, but I’ll save it for a rainy day.

    Quotable Quotes That I Quoted

    Originally posted by qxx • Oct 14, 2005 1:33
    Continue Reading...
  • Quarken Era (2004-2013)

    Belching Fire & Freshly Painted

    July 28, 2005 /

    Yo everyone. Starting these updates is more difficult than it may appear. I’m having some serious writer’s block trying to get this bitch rolling and I don’t want to cheat you out of the phenomenal front page update that you’ve become so accustomed to reading here at TrialityGuild.com. But guess what? I’m going to do just that. Maybe next time I’ll be full of ideas and inspiration then it’s like it all comes out in the wash – ya know? Fantastic then.

    Before we dig into the latest greatest victory of Triality, I need to mention that we’re recruiting. This is how you, a zero, becomes an us – a hero. And do we ever have openings:

    Cleric: 1
    Druid: 1
    Enchanter: a billion
    Wizard: 2

    Updated Sep 25, 2005

    Contact Llohannis or Grap in game before you apply. There are requirements in our Application section on the forums. Check them out and if you meet those requirements and you’re one of those classes listed above, drop us an application faster than a surprise homecoming bathroom abortion.

    So, we’re still absorbing loot like a Dyson™ in the Asylum of Anguish. Even more so since Overlord Mata Muram has been gimped beyond comprehension with the revelation of Mask Conspiracy ’05. If you haven’t heard yet, check your favorite message board of whining, uninformed bags à la douche. I’m sure you’ll get the whole story and then some. Luckily, we made it into ‘Studio 54’ before the cover was blown off this discovery and got our well deserved cockwaving rights, which were just flagrantly waved in your eye sockets and there’s more where that came from – prepare yourself!

    What’s left for us to kill? Well, just like finishing a bad movie simply because you paid for it – we find ourselves back in Dragons of Norrath. And what’s left for us there, you ask? The mighty, egg protecting, add spawning, death touching, sexy ass mother Vishimtar the Fallen. We’ve taken a few runs at him and made some progress here, some adjustments there. Tonight we went in digesting our efforts, desires and dedication, ready to squeeze them out into a big, steaming, pile of victory.

    If you take a good hard look at that last picture you might notice he’s in a very specific location. Now, I don’t want to give out too much of a spoiler BUT, it might be worth trying out if you haven’t yet. Think: Z axis. Keep count on those eggs that spawn too. That’s the magic number, clearly.

    Thar be the booty, me mateys!

    Which Dalnoth turned into the Rogue quest reward (below)

    So, with both Overlord Mata Muram and Vishimtar the Fallen dead and buried, we anxiously await the Depths of Darkhollow expansion release so we can get that taste of that fresh deep darkhollowy blood. We’ll see ya then, then.

    You may remember back in the dizzle, as the kids say, I used to complain about various topics at the end of some of our updates, but I haven’t for some time now. It seems that our beloved KFC has been doing everything possible to make sure that drought doesn’t continue.

    Now, I love KFC – that’s why I go there. I have my options of various popular fast food chains available to me that I can slowly kill myself with. But I drive the extra half mile to get some of those biscuits and mashed potatoes. My problem isn’t with the product. My problem is with their God forsaken menu structure. You need a pocket sized Rosetta Stone to make any sense of it. It’s a mess. And you’re always under pressure to order quickly because of other biscuit & gravy crazed patrons breathing down your neck. Between the incomprehensible menu and the pressure to make a decision quickly, I feel like I’m negotiating with a suicide bomber when I’m just trying to order a bucket of fucking chicken.

    My first instinct is to order their value meals because they make sure to hang up their little promotional signs of “$4.00 VALUE MEALS” on every square inch of the place. $4 bucks for a value meal isn’t bad, so I get one. The only thing is, they don’t give you a drink with it. What the fuck is that all about? What kind of heathenistic fast food joint is this? Even ghetto ass Taco Bell knows how to string together a value meal. You get: a main, a side & a drink. It’s a formula that has stood the test of time. But KFC is a loose cannon, just playing fast and loose with the value meal formula. Here’s how my typical experience in KFC goes:

    KFC Poultry Transfer Agent (KPTA): Hi, how can I make your today better?
    Me: Hi, can I please have some chicken?
    KPTA: Would you like boneless, leg, breast, thigh, groin, tongue, misc?
    Me: Could your menu be any more difficult to read?
    KPTA: No.
    Me: Just give me a bucket of chicken up in this motherfucker.

    This isn’t fine dining cuisine, to be sure – this is KFC. Nobody can decipher the different taste of one body part from the other. It all tastes like greasy American goodness, so I just pick one and run with it. This menu should read, “Order X amount of chicken parts, pick a side from our well organized, non-confusing list of sides, and a beverage”. No options of chicken body parts. No cakes. No crispy-classic-buffalo-honey-popcorn blends. Just straight gangsta American chicken.

    Anyway, I finally get home and I unpack my shit. And as I get ready to eat, I notice this:

    Caution: It wasn’t.

    That should really read, “Caution: You will piss blood with frustration before you successfully navigate our maze of a menu”.

    Not to anyone’s surprise, they got my order completely wrong and I ended up with what appeared to be 6 ounces of pigeon shit. Allegedly, it’s coleslaw. Allegedly. What’s worse, the rogue “slaw” has made a point to leak it’s white putrid trash juice all over everything within range. God, I fucking hate coleslaw. Here – here’s a picture of my sullied mashed potatoes after the coleslaw nutted all over them. These are as they came; undoctored. All I did was put on a protective hazmat body suit to remove the heap of renegade coleslaw. Luckily, I got a picture before I dry heaved myself into an irreversible coma.

    Above: Pigeon shit that I paid money for.

    Now, pretend we aren’t talking about KFC here. If I told you that was yeast infected vaginal discharge, you wouldn’t doubt me for a second. But in reality, it’s my tainted mashed potatoes with an eye drop of gravy swirled in. I ate it anyway because I have the strength of 10,000 men. It was my intention to make sure KFC’s menu had a nice warm spot Rotting In Hell but fuck that, I love KFC even if their menu sucks it. As I wrote further I realized the real villain here is coleslaw. Fuck you, coleslaw.

    Even when presented with a literal smile, coleslaw’s subversive and putrid nature shines through the facade. Look at this man-made horror, staring you right in the face with its also face. They tried to make it look happy – friendly, even. But when you try to give slaw a soul, it becomes a warped glimpse into a world where slaw lives. And as we’ve established, where slaw lives, evil thrives. Go ahead and “welcome new man in your life”, as it’s so Engrishly written in the ill advised 1970s Hellmann’s advertisement. Go ahead. See what happens. When others have tried, the evil seeps out between it’s mayonnaisey, cabbagey wretchedness; putting the Hell in Hellmann’s. These abominations can rot in hell(mann’s).

    (Author’s note: My stomach was literally turning, like I wanted to dry heave, as I crawled through Google images looking for the ‘best’ examples of how disgusting coleslaw truly is. I hope my suffering brings you happiness. Now and always. -qxx)

    Originally posted by qxx • Jul 28, 2005 13:30
    Continue Reading...
  • Quarken Era (2004-2013)

    We Do What We Like And We Like What We Do

    June 14, 2005 /

    Yo everyone. This is our first update since the big merge from Vazaelle (RIP) to Maelin Starpyre. Like anything, you’ll find different opinions about how it went down. Some good and some…

    We are recruiting:

    Bard: 1-2
    Beastlord: 1
    Cleric: 1
    Enchanter: 1
    Necromancer: 1
    Paladin: 1-2
    Wizard: 2+

    Updated Jul 22, 2005

    If you decide joining Triality is the thing for you, contact Orruar in game before you transfer, before you apply, basically before anything you better send Orruar a tell. Read our requirements in the Application section of our forums, and try not to suck at EverQuest.

    For me to say, “It’s been a while since our last update” would be the understatement of a generation and just plain unnecessary. You may have noticed that I don’t usually update you, our adoring fans, of Triality’s comings-and-goings with anything unless it’s a fresh kill – a new kill. Telling you that we’ve killed x number of Dragons of Norrath bosses or Asylum of Anguish mobs over and over, for the past couple months, would have been boring and just plain silly. And while we did do just that, we were also plotting, scheming and strategizing for The Don Mega of Discord: Overlord Mata Muram.

    Above: Pimp hand is cocked, locked and ready to rock.

    I remember the first time we killed Arch Magus Vangl and the room shook with that dramatic effect, everyone was like, “Ooooo, Ahhhhhh, Impressive!” and we saw the wall lift, unveiling the Overlord himself. I can just picture all of us smiling, “Yay, we finally got to him, we can fight him and we’ll be like so happy with our soon-to-come victory and all of the dope loots and oh, this is just great!”. Wrong. Fucking WRONG.

    It’s kind of sad. It’s like being a little kid at your first major league baseball game, getting there early, finding your favorite player during batting practice, going up to him and with your wide open, innocent little kid eyes, you look up, smile slightly and nervously ask him for an autograph. Then he spits right in your fucking eye and slaps your mom on the pussy. That’s pretty much how it felt since the day we first laid eyes on Mata Muram. He wasn’t going to go down and give up the goods easily – not at all. But we knew he was going the fuck down for goosing our mom’s gooch like that. Needless to say, we had some work ahead of us.

    But it’s alright. We’re a competent bunch of talented players. I mean shit we’ve gotten this far, and at record speed I might add. So you would think that we should be OK when it comes to an event we’re definitely capable of beating, on paper anyway /thumbs up. We figured let’s just do what we do: get a bulletproof strategy together and just execute this fucker. Not so fast.

    Flashback: Remember all those times, throughout your EverQuest experience, when you’re like romping around North Temple of Veeshan or in a difficult situation with your pickup group, and someone makes a bad pull or something and you wipe. Then you’re like, “Man we had enough healers, tanks and a couple of slowers. I wonder why we died.” You try to point fingers but it just gets you nowhere because everyone was supposedly “doing their job”. They were “paying attention” and definitely “not AFK”. These mysterious types of situations have been plaguing guilds and experience groups in EverQuest for a lifetime. Never having solid evidence to accurately point those fingers was aggravating as fuck. Well, not to worry, Mata Muram is pointing them for you in a big fucking way, in the form of mask clicks.

    The way it works is: If you don’t click your Mirrored Mask when prompted, the raid gets punished by having our collective shits painfully pushed in and the script lets you know exactly who fucked up by shouting out their name for all to see, because they couldn’t do the simplest of things (just clicking a god damn item) when they were supposed to.

    Glorious. Incredible. Amazing. Finally, the world knows just who has been quietly sucking at EverQuest this whole time and they can be dealt with accordingly. It’s like the “World’s Magic Tricks: Revealed” of EverQuest. You got to go behind the scenes and get to see who was really “doing their job”, “paying attention” and “not AFK”. An encounter that defies the filthy casual, mostly AFK, players that worm themselves into your guild/raid. Mata Muram was tailor made to challenge our band of adventurers and their [in]ability to stay alert at their god damn keyboards.

    We all worked together, night after night, to make progress, to refine our skills, to unlearn what we have learned. The fight pushed our abilities, our tolerance of each other and our desire to AFK and take a piss or get drinks at the most inopportune of times throughout the night, to their very limits. But one man, one man stood by us, guided us, forced us and loved us enough to try to make our dreams come true. We needed his unwavering patience, his unfaltering will and staunch determination in order to drive us to our goal. That man is Orruar Lemmiwinks. Motivated by glory, pride and flagrant cockwavery, he would forever do his best to to keep our goal within sight and our spirits high:

    The result of his guidance, our fear of his verbal lashings and being forced to kill the god damn Polar Kraken as punishment upon failure…

    …would inevitably lead to the unthinkable – the unpossible!

    Above: Stone cold Mata Muram marauders.

    Of course, here be the loot:

    We’re all stoked as fuck. This fight is pretty badass; it’s even kind of fun, I guess. It’s a mix between luck and not being AFK, which obviously can get very frustrating. There still needs to be some changes made to it, but whatever, I’m not getting my hopes up for that.

    Quotes!

    So here is the end of the update where I usually put just the last month’s most prized guild moments in the form of tiny classified adds screenshots, which display our virtue, discipline and maturity as a guild. But, since we haven’t had an update since Moses wore short pants, this is about three months worth of screenshots, because I’m good like that. You’re whale cum.

    Adios for now, cholos.

    Originally posted by qxx • Jun 14, 2005 1:45
    Continue Reading...
  • Quarken Era (2004-2013)

    The Fabled Update

    March 30, 2005 /

    Yo everyone. I know what you’re thinking, “a website update without a 2 month lapse?!?” that’s right! EverQuest is morphing, Voltron-ing, if you will. It’s going to be an interesting few months from here on out with all the merging and purging. We’re going to have the opportunity to meet The Fabled Maelin Starpyre Server. That’ll be swell. I’m actually pretty excited about the merges, I wanna make some friends and gain party experience with them.

    But forget that shit! Whats Triality been up to lately OH EM GEE!? We’ve been raping and rampaging as usual. And we’re currently recruiting some lucky Shamans to come and rape and rampage with us. We have a few requirements you should definitely read on our forums. Make sure you bust Orruar a tell in game before you apply. And If your application is going to look like an excerpt of a 16 year old girl’s GeoCities website, just don’t, please don’t.

    Now for the real issue…

    (Note: If you are easily offended by massive amounts vile language & vicious visual insults, you really shouldn’t read any further!)

    I’ve been pretty tame lately, all these updates, with little to no angst. It feels unnatural. And while gasoline prices climb to nose bleeding levels, my engine is fueled by 103 octane, unrefined, pure, unadulterated rage. So I decided to pull the Rage Mobile into Brenlo’s Pump and Pay for a quick fill up. I’m about to get 50 miles per gallon on this shit. I’d say “Sit back and enjoy the ride” but that’s predictable and corny. So sit up and travel my journey with distaste and anguish.

    For any cave dwellers out there, this is in reference to some issues with the announcement made by SoE about the server merges. Though what you’re about to read isn’t a representation of Triality, it surely is a representation of more than just my feelings.

    There’s a lot of inconsistency and basic bullshit in your [Brenlo] post today on the EQlive blog you keep. One particular quote really pissed me off.

    "So now I will talk a little about legacy and heritage, which is the other argument that keeps popping up. The legacy and heritage of EQ are not on some hardware that happened to have a name to make it easier to choose when logging in. The servers could just as easily been numbered. They are just hardware."
-GM Brenlo, March 2005

    They certainly could have just been numbered, but they weren’t. Why? Because people wouldn’t feel any significance belonging (key word: belonging) to server #0012. But they do feel a better sense of community belonging to Solusek Ro, Veeshan or Vazaelle, for example. It’s like having pride in your city. Obviously you can’t keep the names of every server involved in each merge but you don’t need to be a fucking Nazi about the names, it’s insulting to all of us.

    Regardless of people’s position on the name issue, it should have been our decision. We are the fucking community, not you. This effects us, not you. You really think the best option was to pick the peak prime time populations of the servers involved and grace the winner with it’s name? Seriously? You get fucking paid for those decisions? You aren’t afraid to shove a fucking poll in my face asking what fucking video card I use, you aren’t afraid to SPAM ONE OF MY ACCOUNTS EVERY FUCKING TIME I LOG IN TO BUY YOUR SUCK ASS DRAGONS OF NORRATH or your worthless advertising bullshit, magazine subscriptions every single time I logged in, but I can’t get a poll to seek my opinion on what I want my server to be named? It would be have been nice have just been given the option to throw my opinion in on how they are going to be named. I can’t count how many worthless polls I’ve answered in the past. Shove your excuses and logic up your fucking dick hole and piss them out on your pile of prime time population charts. I can’t believe you called our servers “just hardware” hah, ridiculous. You make bad decisions and you make great ones (I’m not just sucking your ass, you’ve done a lot of things I like) but I know, I know for a fact, that you’re aware the server names are more than a way to categorize hardware. Don’t insult us by belittling our feelings and basically tell us we’re delusional about our sense of community.

    Which brings me to another point, read this closely. Stop passing the buck onto us for these merges. In your post you referred to the fact that we ‘petitioned, posted, emailed’ demanding these merges. That is definitely true. But you lay it out there as a way to say, “Hey, don’t act unhappy because you asked for it”. Well guess what? Not everybody did, now you’re hearing the other side of it. More importantly (you’re about to devour your own words) later, in the same god damn post, you said the merges were unavoidable and inevitable. So don’t act like you gave a shit or listened to our input because like you said, the shit was unavoidable. No matter how much we demanded it or not, it was going to happen anyway, because of your decision. Sometimes your decisions reflect our desires and sometimes they don’t. Nice try. Now we’re giving you our “valued input” heavily on your own forums and you keep shoving those copy/paste excuse up our asses. Don’t try to act like our input has anything to do with it, because when we actually have a chance to share our input (the name issue specifically) and you just close out our opinions and state your reasons. Sickens me. Prove me wrong.

    There’s much, much better ways to name these servers, the best way is to make new names for each merge. How difficult is that? Want my a link to my PayPal? I’ll make you a list of 50 names you can choose from, all legit, in about 40 fucking seconds for 1/2000th of your yearly salary. When you have 1 server retain it’s name, the server(s) that lose their name not only feel a loss of identity and community, but they feel like invaders or outcasts on this new server. The people who didn’t lose a name have no change, except there’s all these new people cramping their shit. If you deny the fact that people feel server pride (because it’s just categorized hardware, right?) then why the fuck did you come up with the idea to add a suffix title representing their old server? That’s about as consistent as my shit after Taco Tuesday. Stop being lazy. Make a poll, make new names, do something to show us you give a shit. I heard you were considering a format like Maelin (Vazaelle)…that’s retarded, if that’s true stop it now. People need to be on the same playing field, they need to ‘start’ on even ground. They need to be a community, not a segregated population. No server should be keeping it’s original name, that much is clear, well, to all of us anyway.

    For Vazaelle specifically, we’re pissed about losing our name to a fucking green server. A preferred, green server. You say they have higher prime time population and that’s why they are keeping the name. The difference, during prime time, I’m sure, is marginal at best. Did you consider that Vazaelle has a gigantic Euro/Asian/Aussie contingent that aren’t playing during your “prime time” hours? You need to make some changes there. It’s beyond ridiculous. Even people on Maelin are saying how ridiculous this is. This horrible decision hasn’t done anything except create animosity towards a server most of us don’t know shit about. Vazaelle is in a different situation than any of the other servers merging because we feel raped of our identity (like everyone else) but at least they get to lose their name to a dignified, tenured server. Not some green newbie playground of trial memberships and part-time World of Nocraft dropouts. Pack that with the rumors I’ve been hearing about the quality of their players, and you have a pissed off Vazaelle server.

    "The legacy and heritage of EQ are not on some hardware that happened to have a name to make it easier to choose when logging in."
-GM Brenlo, March 2005

    Hardware. You’re impossible. Hey Alan, I’m changing your name to Rufus. You shouldn’t care because your legacy, your heritage, your memories, your pride… it’s all within your heart and soul and your name is just a way to categorize you from the other non-Rufuses in society. Do something Rufus, we’re pissed.

    Originally posted by qxx • Mar 30, 2005 21:44
    Continue Reading...
  • Quarken Era (2004-2013)

    6’2″ And Rude As Hell

    March 15, 2005 /

    Yo everyone. You’ve probably noticed we haven’t had a front page update in a while. I’m sure you just figure I’m slacking again. Well, you’re wrong bitches. Actually, you’re right. Either way, let’s just get on with it – yes? Alright then. So, I guess here comes an action packed update with some dragons!

    We haven’t had a front page update since Dragons of Norrath was released. That alone might be a telling indication of the awesomeness that resides within this newest expansion. That isn’t to insinuate that we aren’t ripping its shitter with our Alabama splitter – we are. It’s just not. that. exciting. But, by the power invested in me by Brother Nuntius & The Church of Triality, I will make this shit an exciting and memorable moment of your EverQuest reading experience.

    In Dragons of Norrath we have been killing…dragons. Shock-er. Really though, I love killing dragons. Killing dragons is one of the most exciting adventures that sucked me and millions of other jobless, single, nerdy, white men into this game in the first place. I’ve been begging for some more dragons in our beloved game and I finally got them. I had something of a deeply reminiscent moment when we we’re all scattered around Rikkukin The Defender, killing his dragon ass, just like in the old days. I’m not scared to tell you: that shit was emotional for me. These new dragons are pretty hoss when compared to such classics as Trakanon and Lord Nagafen. But on the true scale of things, they crumbled like filthy putas under our collective clamhammers.

    We went to Reflections of Silver first and toppled killed Rikkukin The Defender. Although I lack the sufficient evidence, in the form of a corpse or loot screenshot, he was a complete pussover. So easy in fact, that I’m sure full-blown retards could accidentally defeat Rikkukin during their Keyboard Buttons & How To Mash Them 101 exercises down at the community learning center.

    Needless to say, with our amazing ability to implement the most advanced of tactics…

    …and since we’re operating at a 60/40 on the half-retarded:full-blown retard ratio, we smoked his monkey ass.

    Next up was the Kessdona’s Perch raid featuring, you guessed it, Kessdona The Enlightened. This fight was almost an exact replica of Rikkukin’s only it featured additional aggressive non-player characters attempting to usurp our loot and glory. Only our most experienced veteran troopers would pull us through this challenge and bring home The Big Dubya. Once again, victory would not be reached until the most seasoned myrmidons and generals within our ranks were working with the best of strategies:

    We went forth and fought valiantly until our bloodlust was slaked!

    And the loot…

    I hope I managed to make these fights sound epic in scale and grand in adventure. You know, so it’s fun to read about. Because actually doing it…not so fun. Why? Let’s take a step back and talk about what this expansion is actually like so far.

    In Dragons of Norrath, they’ve essentially eliminated traveling to any raid location. You port from the Guild Hall directly to the Lavastorm Mountains and start the expedition. So, zero distance traveled there. Then, you only walk like 100 feet to this year’s version of the Plane of Tranquility a.k.a. The Broodlands. Now you’re rerdy to zone into the expedition’s instance. So it’s absolutely no effort getting to each of these raids. No effort. No danger. No difficulty. No immersion. More importantly, no fun.

    At this point, I’m thinking, “Surely the dungeon depths of these vicious, ancient, fabled beasts will be well guarded and defended by some of the most fierce and dedicated minions we’ve ever encountered. We better be ready to…”, oh wait – there’s nothing guarding any of these dragons. There’s actually nothing even in the zone except the dragon. Odd.

    Now it’s got me thinking, “If we don’t have to fight to the dragon, then the dragon itself must be nothing short of The Sleeper on a BALCO® boost. This fight will be one for the ages and *fart noise* …I guess not because we walked in 25 feet, yawned in the dragon’s face and within 3 minutes it was dead; generously shitting out loot like an incontinent treasure chest. Fuckin’ ZZZ…ZZZ…

    At this rate, when the next expansion drops, I expect to pay my $30, log in, at which point my inventory will be filled with whatever new gear that I have any possibility of attaining and I’ll just simply destroy what I don’t want. Lets cut out those last few trivial steps of the actual game and make the best expansion everrrrr! You can do it! We can do it together! Seriously, give me a job. Now. Obviously I have The Vision™ to take EverQuest to the next level.

    Anyway, enough of that tomfoolery – here’s more tomfoolery. To use the word tomfoolery twice in one sentence has got to be a violation of what I will loosely refer to as ‘creative writing’.

    That’s all for now! Check back soon because there’s another update around the corner. I swear it!

    Originally posted by qxx • Mar 15, 2005 03:04
    Continue Reading...
  • Quarken Era (2004-2013)

    Meat Sandwich

    February 6, 2005 /

    Yo everyone. If you would all do me a small favor and pretend you’re reading this like 4 days ago, that would really help. Because I slacked hard enough that Nuntius disobeyed his monastery, broke his vow of silence and actually said something, it was to the effect of, “Update the site or I will shit in your coffee”. Since I prefer my coffee with a little cream, 1 sugar sans human excrement, here I am and here you are, so let us begin with a story…

    First, we’re still looking for some Clerics and Druids to join up. So, if you’re interested, send Orruar a tell in-game before your apply. Check our requirements in the Application section of our forums. Also, if your application is going to look like an excerpt from a 16 year old girl’s GeoCities blog – please don’t bother! Now, where were we…

    Slack Level Alert: Yellow

    Since it is 7:30 AM, I haven’t slept and I’m fresh out of cowboy killers, we’re going to skip straight to the end. The end of Gates of Discord, that is. We’re here to tell you we absolutely molested Tunat’Muram Cuu Vauax. We beat him so bad that we almost felt good about killing an event that should have been beatable 8 months ago.

    Before
    8 months after

    Here is his loot minus the 2 rhi-dick-you-less augments we got. I won’t even grace them with the fame and fortune that is sure to come after being featured on our prestigious website. Those augments have to be an oversight because even a chest clapping downy wouldn’t put MNK/BST on 1HS augment and not put MNK/BST on the 1HB augment intentionally. Right? Right?!

    We’ve also been rampaging around in the Asylum of Anguish and grabbing up Epic 2.0s like they were Cross Colours in ’88. Shut up – you wore them. Don’t deny it. I mean, I didn’t wear them but you definitely did.

    The Funny

    Originally posted by qxx • Feb 06, 2005 8:05
    Continue Reading...
  • Quarken Era (2004-2013)

    Are you one, Herbert?

    January 24, 2005 /

    Yo everyone. This update should have come yesterday but like Snow Satan decided to dump 7 kagillion meglo-tons of the white shit on my house and surrounding areas. So I spent the majority of my time yesterday outside socializing with my neighbors, while we searched for creative adjectives to weave into our useless small talk about the snow we’re all stuck shoveling. But enough of that dumb shit – we need to talk about the good shit.

    Arch Magus Vangl is the good shit. This was a fun event. After being stuck in a one-sided relationship of convenience with that selfish bitch Jelvan, we just wanted some alone time to ourselves. I mean, I’m sure we’ll go back to Jelvan at some point but, for now, we just want to see whats out there and maybe try things out with other mobs. Since we were fresh out of that suffocating relationship with Jelvan, it’s not surprising that we got snatched up on the rebound by Arch Magus Vangl. He’s certainly not as eye appealing as Jelvan, to be sure, but a friend of ours said he was a pig in bed. We all know what kind of ‘goods’ Jelvan puts out. So, we were hoping to get something a little more intense out of Vangl. So yeah, we went up to that penthouse suite that he’s got in the Asylum of Anguish, you know, for a quick visit. But as soon as we tried to talk to him, he became very aggressive. We may be feeling a bit vulnerable from Jelvan’s abuse but we don’t take that shit from anyone. So we blew our collective rape whistles and gave him a face full of know-how.

    It wasn’t long before he gave in and put out a lil’ sumthin sumthin. But…

    ….we were wrong – Jelvan puts out much better.

    So anyway, we’re confused and alone again. Looking for loot in all the wrong places. But I think we found a new man. We just gotta test the waters, you know, talk to him a little before we make a commitment. Here’s a pic, he’s sooooo hawt like zomg.

    /cue Sex and the City theme music

    The Funny

    Real fast, I need to share a miracle of the modern age with you all. This miracle will be difficult to believe but it’s something I’ve been waiting for, working towards, ever since I started this game and it finally happened. I feel like it is my greatest accomplishment to date in EverQuest, although I couldn’t have done it without the hard work and dedication of my guild mates. They helped make this dream a reality. So this is more of a thank you to them than anything else.

    Now most of you just see icons, or perhaps a loser still using the default interface. But right there – that’s my buff window. But, it’s actually more than that. Take a closer look. Do you see it yet?

    I’ve been playing since the year 2000 and, all my fucking EverQuest life, all I ever wanted was a perfect buff order. To be able to recognize, at a moments glance, what buff I am missing and to just plain ease my anal retentive obsessive compulsive pipe dream that is The Perfect Buff Order. Every single night I try to get the buffs in this specific order. But due to a plague of AFKs, slow replies for my buff requests and just plain buff cock-blockery, I had yet to achieve my never-dying dream. And now, it’s finally happened!

    Look at how amazing that is! From right to left, I have my self buffs, my ATK buffs, my AC buffs, and then my HP buffs all perfectly arranged by the hand of God Himself. This is especially a miracle because I didn’t ask for a single one of these buffs – they were just cast upon me. Unbeknownst to my never-ending quest for The Perfect Buff Order, my guild mates made a small man’s dream come true. No fucking Selo’s being spammed, no rez effects fading and/or buff ninja’ing it’s way into my top slots all willy-nilly. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. Even more beautiful than that plastic grocery bag I saw that one time being chaotically blown in the wind.

    Predictably, it didn’t last long because these bitches let me die about 4 minutes later. So thanks for nothing, you teases. You gave me my dream and like that *snaps fingers* – it was gone; taken away as if it meant nothing. It’s like you don’t even care about me or my whack ass dreams. To hell with all of you!

    Originally posted by qxx • Jan 24, 2005 02:27
    Continue Reading...
  • Quarken Era (2004-2013)

    Immortal Corrupters

    January 15, 2005 /

    Yo everyone. It’s been a while since we’ve had a real update here and don’t think for a second I didn’t hear about it everyday! Truth be told, there isn’t much to update you on – nothing interesting anyway. Since the Muramite Proving Grounds trial raids are totally janked, we’ve been spending our non-Anguish raid time in Tacvi, Seat of the Slaver, killing those guys again to get the ‘upgraded’ loot which is a lot like getting rid of hemorrhoids: Good for you but nobody wants to hear about it. So that’s what was happening. Now, let’s talk about what is happening.

    To do that, we shift our focus towards that lovely Asylum we call Anguish, which people do want to hear about! Our latest role-playing experience took us to this jive turkey named Jelvan, who selfishly enlisted our help to kill these three Tormentors who have been, judging by their name, tormenting him for quite some time – deep storyline breakdown there. He said he would help but I guess his idea of helping was more like not helping. So, once again relying on our council of seasoned strategists and elite tacticians…

    …we threw ourselves against Jelvan’s arch-nemesisises Tanthi, Tantho and Tanthu the Tormentors. What the 3 vowel brothers lack in the creative-name department they make up for in the kill-you-in-ten-seconds department.

    Nonetheless, we eventually brought the hammer down on their asses.
    Jelvan was forever grateful, I GUESS.

    In conclusion, the moral of the story is: When you are forced to help someone and you sacrifice your life repeatedly for a cause you know nothing and care nothing about, you will be rewarded with shitty loots that leave you feeling cold, sad, vulnerable and alone, as they run away, disappearing into the night.

    Thanks for nothing, Jelvan, you think-for-yourselfer.

    In a related story, all 3 loots fit snugly in Jelvan’s anal cavity.

    *Holy Cow™, that’s a lot of The Funny

    (*Holy Cow™ is ©2005 Naturalhealer Evertease • All Rights Reserved)

    This is something out of the ordinary, but under the circumstances, I’ll let it slide this time! This update is going to have a Rot In Hell: Special Astaren Edition. So sit back and enjoy the angst powered by the world’s smallest penis:

    Rot In Hell: Special Edition

    by Astaren

    In case you haven't noticed, for the last couple updates there hasn't been a 'Rot in Hell'. Trust me, this has NOTHING to do with there being a lack of things that piss us off. Quarken is just a busy man. I mean, between all of the 'So the Red Sox won the World Series, what can we bitch about now?' meetings and the never ending influx of 'OMG UR MONK IS SO L33T' tells, I am amazed he finds time to update the site at all! This being said, I decided that I would take time out of my busy schedule of luring people in to asking what 'dees' means to bring you a 'Rot in Hell', Astaren style.

Few people outside our guild know me very well, as I tend to not waste my time associating w/ retards. So before I begin, I will give you a little background about myself. I am a Shadowknight. And as most of you know, Shadowknights tend to be pretty pissed off most of the time. There is an ongoing debate about how this comes about. Sort of a 'chicken or the egg' kind of thing. Do people become bitter and hateful while they are playing their Shadowknight, or do they choose to play a Shadowknight b/c they are bitter and hateful? Who knows. All I know is that rarely a day goes by that something doesn't piss me off. Whether it is in game or the real world, I am constantly amazed at people's ability to come up w/ ways to make themselves look stupid. Be it a group that thinks it is kosher to intercept my named pull in WoS b/c they think I cannot solo it and forcing me to drop 30+ pissed off dragorns in their camp, or the guy who works at the convenience store near my apartment who is totally deaf and relies on lip reading to figure out what I am asking for, there is always something for me to gripe about. For this installment, I have decided to give all of the in game degenerate retards a break and focus on something near and dear to my heart in the real world: Shitty drivers.

I like to drive. It is easily in my top ten list of 'most favorite things to do'. There is nothing like opening it up and cruising along at some insane speed, with the sunroof open and the stereo blasting. Jimmy Buffett once said 'A good pilot anticipates, and bad pilot reacts'. I have tried to model my driving after this phrase for as long as I have been behind the wheel. When I drive, that is what I am focused on. All of my attention is devoted to the road and everything that goes along with it. I am aware of everything that is going on with my vehicle and around it. To me, this only makes sense. I mean, you are in a 3000lb+ piece of machinery moving at high speed, it only makes sense, right? I am no math genius, but even I can comprehend what is going to happen if my 3000lb+ piece of German engineered ultimate driving machine goodness impacts YOUR piece of shit 3000lb+ rusted out pile of crap 1985 Buick Le Sabre. In a nutshell, you are going to really piss me off.

So why then is it that SO many people pay SO little attention while they are driving? This, my friends, is the ultimate question. How could you possibly think it is ok to apply makeup or converse on a phone while driving a 1.5 ton instrument of death? What could possess someone to drive 50 mph in the fast lane WHEN THERE IS A CLEAR POSTED SPEED LIMIT OF 70 mph? This is easily one of life's greatest questions. Have no fear though, loyal Triality band wagon riders, I am going to solve this mystery for you.

It is actually relatively simple, and can be summed up in one short sentence: People are stupid. Nothing else really needs to be said other than this, but I will elaborate for the more simple-minded of those who are enjoying this update (read: Grap). It is nothing more than simple lack of focus that causes accidents. With the rare exception of weather induced wrecks, EVERY accident on the highway could be prevented if dumb asses would only pay attention to what they are doing. Yes, if you have ever thought it would be a good idea to freshen up your mascara while driving, I am talking to you. If you ever thought it would be a great time to call your Mom and tell her about how your Nascar loving, mullet having boyfriend is treating you like the piece of shit white trash skank that you are while driving home from the swap meet, I am talking to you. If you ever thought putting a 'Rest in Peace #3' sticker on your 1987 IROC actually MADE you drive like Dale Earnhardt, I am talking to you. If you ever thought that driving next to someone on the highway, going the exact same speed they are, WHEN THERE IS NO ONE W/I A MILE IN EITHER DIRECTION OF YOU ON THE ROAD while I am trying to pass was a stroke of insightful brilliance, I am talking to you.

If, while reading this update you have felt any kind of nagging feeling that I just MIGHT be directing this towards you, please do us all one simple favor. Hop in to your vehicle, roll your windows up tight and lock your doors. Now proceed to the nearest lake and drive off of a pier into the water. If all of the retarded, no driving skill having, pieces of road fodder will only follow this simple advice, the road will become safer place for all of us who actually enjoy driving and put some effort in to making it a safe means of transportation. But for those of you who will continue to insist on pissing me off with your 'In case of rapture, this vehicle will be unmanned' bumper sticker having cars, I hope you Rot In Hell.
    Originally posted by qxx • Jan 15, 2005 18:10
    Continue Reading...