Legacy Updates

quarken.xired – Snapping Necks & Cashing

Originally posted by Quarken on Dec 01, 2006 01:17

Yo everyone. I don’t even know where to start. There is so much to talk about and my fingers are already tired of typing. But I’m going to muscle up and move beyond the intense strain on my digits. This update has love, it has hate and it probably has herpes. So keep your Zovirax handy, I’m going to climb on the top rope and Superfly Jimmy Snuka this update right into your solar plex. Actually, let’s take a time-out to talk about recruiting! That’s always fun. Right now Triality is looking to add these classes our our clam harem:

Enchanter: 2
Warrior: 1
Knights: Hit the showers, you’re finished.
All other classes: Maybe

If you think Triality is the warm salvation you’ve been seeking your entire life, here’s some helpful tips to get you in off the streets and into our warm, comforting arms. First, read the requirements on our forums. Then, talk to Orruar or Dalnoth in game before you apply. Then when they make you twirl on the catwalk and find you sufficient enough to put out on the corner, you get to write your application and we get to make fun of it. Just kidding, we won’t make fun of it. Just kidding, we will. Unless you’re an enchanter, in which case we’ll probably take turns tickling your yam bag.

So, here’s the deal. On the last update we left off talking about how we rode tide of vengeance directly into Frostcrypt’s Adam’s apple. So, if you’ve been taking notes, you’re probably expecting an exciting update detailing our trials and tribulations through Ashengate, Reliquary of the Scale. And that’s exactly what we have for you! Buttttttttt it’s like small. How small? If this update was testicles you’d think it was -20° Centigrade in this bitch. That small. So here are the cliffnotes.

Ashengate 1: We won.
Ashengate 2: We won. Again.

Now you may say, “Where’s the proof” and I may reply, “I’m lazy” but that doesn’t really tell you anything. Some may say, “U GIT SPOILERZ HALOLZ” and to that I say:

That piece of equipment, being so beautifully displayed in the signature colors of the Luclin server, is the only strategy you need to defeat this entire expansion. That’s the big secret. When in doubt, throw a rope on that son of a bitch and kite your tight little ass off. This was literally our universal strat during the entire expansion. But, enough of that. What do we have for you today? How about Triality being the first guild, in all of EverQuest, to finish The Serpent’s Spine.

A few nights ago we seemingly stumbled upon Dyn’leth. We killed him. With absolute ease.

Shield Of Fire And Fury
Belt Of The Vengeful Orphan

This fight is so fucking easy it’s nearly insulting. As long as you can not die irl while manipulating your digital avatar on the Internet, you win. It’s not surprising, unfortunately. Tonight we officially started our farm campaign by romping around FC1, which we haven’t been back to for a few weeks. We eventually came to Grenwald. That fight was pretty intense last time we killed him and we still weren’t comfortable enough to just walk up to him and eat his lunch. But when he finally spawned, we saw this:


This is, of course, after all the other guilds couldn’t hang with the difficulty of the original fight. When you throw 46 limp cleric bodies at a mob and it doesn’t die you only have 2 options. And calling up Big Zeke to break Grenwald’s legs is the one that apprenently got used gg. So, it wasn’t a big surprise when we crushed all of Ashengate, since of course, all the fights were tested by guilds that have more clerics than the Vatican.

So last night we Crip Walked our way into AG and put a hurtin’ on Lethar. This fight was really fun and really unique. I think it’s the first fight in the game so far that actually puts you into a time machine and takes you back to NToV. Snore-fest.

Chord of Lethar’s Sinew
Earstud Of A Mother’s Love

And with his death came one of our biggest accomplishments as a guild. Thanks to all the players and/or haters of Triality that persisted through the worst of it and the best of it. We’ll be here in our little corner of the world farming harder than a Korean LAN party until the next expansion. Keep an eye out over here for an Ashengate movie that is in the works to go with our Frostcrypt one.

x many funny triality chat moments

And now a special message from our sponsor:

Instead of going with my original idea of taking a huge shit in a box and mailing it to the designers and developers of the Frostcrypt side of TSS, I decided to take a different approach to all of my misplaced anger.

Look Ma, the Babysitter Is Giving Me Head!

For those of you who don’t know me, I am Ophidion, scourge of the seven seas, and the only official owner of a cannon that fires AIDS. I also fancy myself to be quite the connoisseur of fine/horrible pornography. Having a sophisticated pallet for this medium, one has to sample as much as possible so they don’t get behind (pun). This is my excuse for flogging the dolphin enough to have my eyes cross and sprout full Santa beards.

Generally, porn has at least decent acting in it, or in the case of amateur porn, none at all. Amateur porn is excused of acting because it’s all about fucking, not about answering the door to a delivery man with six pounds of cock sticking through a pizza (this is an actual website). Normal porn, or porn with a message/theme HAS to have good acting in it however, or it ends up being a video of a guy your father’s age giving a hot beef injection to a female who is half the age of your toe nail clippings.

Today I am going to talk about a short clip I downloaded a few weeks ago, but this video has been angering me since I trudged through it. I was quite surprised (well not really, but lets say I was) that there was a FFM porn with the title “MILF Hunter – Kay Parker – Taboo – Babysitter”. There are two words in that novel of an mp3 title that peaked my interest taboo (being a great 80’s porn series that featured some of the greatest porn stars of all time (Honey Wilder being one of them) and Babysitter. Now, I don’t know about anyone else, but fucking babysitters has to be pretty awesome, therefore the movie should be awesome and convincing. The fact that there was an actress’s name in the title means it wasn’t amateur porn thus the conclusion was made that this would have some decent acting in it. OH HOW WRONG I WAS.

The first aspect of the movie that pissed me off is that the wife was smoking. Smoking, albeit sexy sometimes, is generally not something I want to see some broad who is about to get stuffed like a meaty pin cushion doing right before she gets her pork pocket stuffed. Next was the apparent lack of any rehersal for this scene. The main actress had no fucking idea what her lines were and it was painfully obvious that she was searching for something to say between random hole encounters. News flash darling, looking like a retard is only sexy if you like fucking slack jawed creatures from the abyss that have no chance of escaping your herpes encrusted baby club, and just because you are fucking your babysitter (for a kid you don’t even have in the scene) your acting isn’t excused from being somewhat believable.

The only thing that saved this movie was the fact that the red-headed babysitter was ok looking and her name was dynamite. Apparently, if you have a fire bush, your crotch has the potential to remove limbs and ruin coal miner’s lives. Other than that, I give this crappy movie one Droopy Dooner for excellence in the field of wasting my hard drive space.

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