• Quarken Era (2004-2013)

    Jiggle the Handle

    Yo everyone. I guess I can take ‘Wait 1 full year before doing a front page update’ out of my bucket list. I want to thank EverQuest for making this possible. Had you been putting out any new content or making anything worth talking about, I may not have been able to accomplish this remarkable feat and personal milestone.

    Truth be told, it seems a little lackluster to be writing an update about an expansion we beat 11 months ago. But we’re on the eve of being paroled from the House of Thule and before we move on to the next installment in the EverQuest franchise, Veil of Alaris, I wanted to write this update for the sole purpose of congratulating my fellow adventurers in Triality. At the risk of sounding too conceited, let me say congratulations for finishing House of Thule #1 on the server and #2 game-wide. Ok, I’m done. See you next year!

    Ok I lied. That isn’t the sole purpose of writing this update. As much as I love talking about how awesome we are, there are 3 other very good reasons for this:

    First, legions of turncoat Triality members voted me Least likely to update the website before Veil of Alaris in the Triality yearbook. And the only thing I like more than ‘slacking’ is ‘doing things out of spite’.

    Second, I lost a bet. Which taught me that the only thing this guild likes more than ‘slacking’ is ‘doing things out of spite’.

    Third, Sanctum Somnium.

    While I’m not going to recap every event held within Somnium, as that shit is old news by now, I did still want to highlight some of the finer aspects of the zone we’ve been wasting away in for the past year. A tribute.

    It’s not always about the challenge. And if events 3, 4 & 6 are any indication, I’m not the only one who feels that way (zing!) When you play a video game, sometimes it’s nice to just sit back and enjoy the superficial aesthetics of it; the graphics, for lack of a better term. The visual appeal of a video game is one of the first things old and new players alike are going to use in order to gauge, “How good is this game?” and I think the latest end-zone of House of Thule answers that question perfectly.

    Visually stunning. It’s no secret that EverQuest subscriptions are going a zip-a-dee-doo-dah and I can’t imagine why. Who doesn’t want to put their time into a game that when ‘beaten’ rewards you with a sandy wasteland of nothingness. That’s every boy’s dream. Sandy Wasteland not your cup of tea? Don’t worry your pretty little head about it, we also have:

    The Cages of Boredom! Oh, I can remember as a child being captivated by hero’s tales of great, big, gray cages of emptiness. Who needs caverns filled with treasure, rock ledges overhanging pools of lava, enchanted forests or temples lined with secret passage ways when you can experience the fantasy equivalent of a 9-5 cubicle. What’s that you say? A doorway and walls are just too many physical features for you? Well this next one is right up your alley. Don’t be fooled, it’s not the inside of The Grimace’s urethra…

    …it’s The Sky to Nowhere!

    Don’t adjust your video cards and this isn’t a dream – it’s a dream come true. Never again will your eyes or brain need to be filled with inconsequential, visual distractions which is the last thing you want in a video game. I would rhetorically exclaim, “Who makes this shit?!” but we already know…


    There was one cool visual thing happening in House of Thule. I’m not sure if it was intentional or not but while we were doing Tick Tock for the first time I found myself gazing at the clock. I wasn’t just trying to rationalize why Triality, seasoned veterans of Norrath’s conflicts, were beating up a fucking piece of furniture. No, there was something very familiar about this clock and what has been seen cannot be…well you know the rest.

    So that’s it. We’re looking forward to stomping mudholes in Veil of Alaris, which is off to a good start so far…

    Awful indeed. Anyway, I promise….sorry, choked for a second there, I promise we’ll update the website more frequently with our tales from the new sexpansion. ‘More frequently’ being a relative term of course! In the meantime, don’t let your meat loaf.



    Sunder your forms with my withering hacks.
    Mash up your face with my gauntleted smacks.
    Originally posted by qxx • Nov 14, 2011 17:06
  • Quarken Era (2004-2013)

    G’d Up From The Feet Up

    Recruitment Info
    Bard
    Druid
    Necromancer
    Shaman
    Wizard

    Updated Apr 5, 2011

    Yo everyone. This may be [is definitely] the most slack front page update in our guild’s history. And if you’ve followed our stained career of timely front page updates, that says a lot. Though, try to find it in your hearts to cut us some slack for our slack because we’ve been like stupid busy burning down the House of Thule. I promise we’ll have a 2 legit 2 quit front page update in the very near future, until then we’ll just say: Everything up to and including this guy is dead.


    Get in my way and you forfeit your life.
    I’ll orphan your children and widow your wife.
    Originally posted by qxx • Nov 18, 2010 00:01   


  • Quarken Era (2004-2013)

    Don’t Open ‘Til Doomsday

    Recruitment Info
    Cleric
    Necromancer
    Wizard

    Updated Nov 12, 2010

    Yo everyone! As we all know, today officially kicks off House of Thule. To celebrate this momentous occasion, on a day of endless delays and patches, we bring you an action packed look at our journeys through the Underfoot in the form of a stylish and slimming .wmv movie.

    This year’s musical selection bids farewell to our once loyal companion, Andrew W.K. However, it bids a farewelcome to the progenitors of horror-punk; the venerable and legendary Misfits. And to help usher in this changing of the musical guard, we’re kicking it off with three Misfits tracks, all cut up and spun up to suit our style and profile. Enjoy!

    Triality vs. Underfoot
    172 MB .wmv format

    Soundtrack:
    Abominable Dr. Phibes by The Misfits
    Walk Among Us by The Misfits
    Don’t Open ‘Til Doomsday by The Misfits
    What’s the Difference by Dr. Dre

    Hatred is a seed that’s easy to sow.
    Buckets of blood will help it to grow.
    Originally posted by qxx • Oct 12, 2010 01:09   
  • Quarken Era (2004-2013)

    None But The Brave

    Yo everyone. The natives are getting restless. I was content getting back to the slack after we defeated The Underfoot. BUT I GUESS we need at least one legit front page update outlining our epic adventures and battles in the Land Beneath the Feet, so I’m back on the clock like Marty and Doc. This update is going to be so sweet you’ll have pancreatic cancer and diabetes by the time you finish reading it. But before we get to the pleasure, let’s handle some bidness, sons. Recruitment. Booooosh.

    Recruitment Info
    Bard
    Necromancer

    Updated Aug 31, 2010

    That list is, how you say, ‘dynamic’. We’ll update it as needed. If you think you have what it takes to visit our casting couch and get a shot at the big time in the Hollywood Hills of EverQuest (that’s us), get in touch with Quarken, Gilthanos, Hylea or Sepha before you go writing The World’s Worst Application: A How-To Guide on our forums. Now that the boring paperwork is done…

    https://web.archive.org/web/20101008021421im_/http://www.trialityguild.com/t-img/news/q/20100810/letsgetcrackin.jpg

    So, what has Triality been up to? I’m sure you’ve been sleeplessly awaiting the answer to this very question for some time now. Well, I know when I have a question that demands answering, the first place I go to is Google. So, let’s take a walk down the internets and ask Mr. Google:


    Now that we’ve cleared up that catastrophe, what have we been up to? Well, we defeated the legendary Underfoot expansion. And now this is the part of the update where I recount each and every epic event we aimlessly and shamelessly threw ourselves against for weeks on end. ZZZ…ZZZ…ZZZ…SNORE-FEST. You know, after writing these updates for 6+ years, that formulaic ‘we killed this, we looted this’ shit is played out. Tonight, we’re going to mix it up a little.

    First step, let’s throw out all the shit I’m too lazy to type about. So far, this new format is a great success! Then let’s skip right to the good shit: Convorteum

    Second step, let’s adopt a rating system, similar to how one would rate a motion picture or popular music album. Only, instead of using that also-played-out ‘5 star’ system, let’s use something a little more proprietary and closer to home – something EverQuest related. Naturally, we’re going to use the greatest thing in EverQuest to rate these events: Pogonip. Pogonip is awesome. Events will be rated on a 1-5 Pogonip scale.

    Convorteum, predictably, has 7 events. Please do not confuse this 7 event end-zone with this one or this one.


    Convorteum Event #1: The Gatekeeper
    This event is great. It’s really the perfect event. There is very little/no trash to kill before the event. The Gatekeeper himself has almost no challenging abilities and your guild can kill it while you sit there AFK, pretending you’re not watching videos at BigWetAsses.com. More importantly, this event will be easily farmable for your fledgling alts once we’re all level 90 and intoxicated with untamed power. I forgot to take a screenshot of this mob (not because I was at BigWetAsses.com either. Honest.) So, I thought about putting up a predictable picture of Zuul, The Gatekeeper of Gozer. Instead, here is a picture of Don Knotts.

    Overall rating: 4.5 Pogonips

    Convorteum Event #2: The Stone Warden
    This event is OK. The storyline for this event, and correct me if I’m wrong: Three hookers are slutting themselves around Convorteum and their pimp, The Stone Warden, is keeping a watchful eye on them from the corner of the room. We take each of these whooahs into their respectable rooms and, you know…”show them what it’s all about”. Unfortunately, we have “mommy issues” and start roughing up The Stone Warden’s three money makers a little too much. Violence ensues. Just look at that pimp hand.

    Overall rating: 3 Pogonips

    Convorteum Event #3: Unstable Creation
    After what we witnessed down at Event #2, it came to no surprise that this place is infested with crabs. They are just everywhere in Event #3, giving the term ‘Deadliest Catch’ a whole new meaning. The idea of this event is to attack the named with a fine-toothed comb while hitting the crab adds with the sanitary shampoo. If you get overrun by crabs and end up scratching your balls completely raw, you lose. Now your family and friends are hopelessly ashamed and won’t let you piss indoors anymore. See the winning strategy for this event here.

    Overall rating: 2 Pogonips

    Convorteum Event #4: The Keymaster
    Once we show up to this event, for reasons nobody has quite figured out yet, Kertrasia (The Keymaster) wanders off and falls into the lava, where a greken named Borzaloth is waiting. The fat dumb slug then proceeds to eat Kertrasia and, by the transitive properties of bad lore and even worse writing, Borzaloth becomes the new Keymaster. Before we continue, I can’t help but to point out that following Ghostbusters logic, it is destiny for The Keymaster (now Borzaloth) to make-a-sexy-time with The Gatekeeper (now Don Knotts). So let’s all take a minute to imagine television’s Don Knotts being mounted and bootyhole pounded by this fat, sloppy lava lizard. Did you picture it? Are you sure? You better have. Moving right along then, this event is much like The Gatekeeper event in that it’s so easy, you’ll be farming this thing six ways to Sunday in the very near future for your alternative characters. Event #4 would be worthy of 4.5 Pogonips buuut the “achievement” for this event depends upon us keeping Borzaloth’s fat ass in the lava, which we suck at doing. Bzzzzt, -1 Pogonip penalty.

    Overall rating: 3.5 Pogonips

    Convorteum Event #5: The Hall of Records
    Jesus, I’m only on Event #5? This per-event review system seemed like such a good [i.e., easy] idea at the time which was about 4 fuckin’ hours ago at this point. I’m tired and fading out fast. This event definitely happened. Next!

    Overall rating: 1 Pogonip

    Convorteum Event #6: Magus Sisters
    This event has a team of sisters that are determined to make your life miserable. Please don’t confuse this event with this one or this one. The development team is doing its part to save Norrath from global warming by still recycling the events of yesteryear; very thoughtful. Truthfully, this event is really fun but it definitely has a vibe. Like, the achievements are so fucking creepy that you have to wonder if Franky the Greasy Intern got a ‘talking to’ after he implemented them. I mean, read this shit: Make Them Watch, Half Sisters and…Slumber Party. Creeeeeeeepyyyyyyy. I imagine at some point, there had to be a meeting with the “creative” team and the rest of the developers regarding the names of achievements in Underfoot. I also imagine that meeting went something like this:

    Overall rating: 4 Pogonipples

    Convorteum Event #7: The First Creation
    Finally! Event #7. I always wondered why it took so long to get Brell Serilis into EverQuest. It seemed like almost every other major deity had been given some time in the spotlight, so why not Brell? I’ll tell you why right now:

    Brell is a retard.

    Literally. While other gods like Fennin Ro and Rallos Zek were sitting around being fuckin’ awesome, Brell was in his basement playing with dolls and painting Warhammer miniatures. Apparently, he was shitty at even that. Look at his First Creation; it’s like Rocky Dennis was forcibly inserted into Andre the Giant’s gaping asshole. What a total loser.

    Anyway, Event #7 is cool. It’s what an expansion’s final event should be. After Lord Brekt, this is quite a refreshing end to a really good raid expansion. Sure, people will bitch and complain about this-and-that being fucked up and not tuned, etc…but the fact of the matter is: Underfoot lasted a long time and proved to be fun and challenging as fuck. Good times.

    Overall rating: 5 Pogonips

    I want to congratulate everyone in Triality for really stepping it up this year and putting an end to Underfoot. We had some unique challenges and those of you that stuck it out: cheers to you all. I’m never surprised but always amazed. You guys kick fuckin’ ass.


    So that’s that. Be sure to check back soon(ish). We’re putting together an Underfoot video. Hopefully, it will be out before House of Thule is. You’ll find it here when it’s done. Ka-kow.


    …and finally…


    Can’t you feel my hate?
    Watch my brothers rape and kill the cripples I create.
    Originally posted by qxx • Aug 14, 2010 02:23
  • Quarken Era (2004-2013)

    As Pure As The Arctic Snow

    Yo everyone. We’re working on a very intense, very amazing, prrrrobably long overdue front page update. You’re probably asking yourself, “What makes it so intense and what’s taking so long to do it?”. And I’m probably asking myself, “Why aren’t I at AssParade.com right now?”. My friend, these questions are better left unasked and they are certainly better left unanswered because that would require me to think, type and not be at AssParade.com right now. So what’s this all about then? It’s about tonight.

    Tonight! Tonight is a special night. A very special night indeed. Tonight, we the denizens of the Maelin Starpyre server (more importantly the sexual dynamos of Triality) will be forcibly inserted into the digital cavity that is know as the Drinal server. This gives the lonely, unwilling and confused citizens of the Drinal server the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to test their skills, agility, their skagility, within the ranks of EverQuest’s Unoriginal Bad Boys: Triality. Basically what I’m prattling on about in order to make this update more than one sentence is, if you are one of the following classes…

    Bards
    Clerics
    Shamans
    Solid DPSers (Rogues & Berserkers)

    Updated Jul 28, 2010

    If interested, please seek one of our eligible officers (Sepha, Hylea or Gilthanos) in-game and we’ll be sure to woo you into our strong but safe embrace.

    In a serious tone, if I may: We’re looking for dedicated players that want to push to the end of Underfoot with us as quickly, efficiently and as enjoyably as humanly possible. At this point in time, we’ve killed everything that’s killable (though you wouldn’t know since we haven’t had a front page update since ‘Nam) and we need a few clutch players to join us in our campaign of pain.


    Destined for godhood to many’s dismay.
    Just lords and masters of all we survey.
    Originally posted by qxx • Jun 21, 2010 21:32