Legacy Updates

quarken.xired-None But The Brave

Originally posted by Quarken Aug 14, 2010 02:23   

Yo everyone. The natives are getting restless. I was content getting back to the slack after we defeated The Underfoot. I GUESS we need at least one legit website update outlining our epic adventures and battles in the Land Beneath the Feet. So I’m back on the clock like Marty and the Doc. This update is going to be so sweet you’ll have pancreatic cancer and diabetes by the time you finish reading it. But before we get to the pleasure, let’s handle some bidness, sons. Recruitment. Boosh.

(Recruitment info updated: 8.31.10)

That list is, how you say, ‘dynamic’. We’ll update it as needed. If you think you have what it takes to visit our casting couch and get a shot at the big time in the Hollywood Hills of EverQuest (that’s us), get in touch with Quarken, Gilthanos, Hylea or Sepha before you go writing The World’s Worst Application on our forums. Now that the boring paperwork is done…

So, what has Triality been up to? I’m sure you’ve been sleeplessly awaiting the answer to this very question. Well, I know when I have a question that demands answering, the first place I go is Google. So, let’s take a walk down the internets and ask Mr. Google!


Now that we’ve cleared up that catastrophe, what have we been up to? Well, we defeated the legendary Underfoot expansion. And now this is the part of the update where I recount each and every epic event we aimlessly and shamelessly threw ourselves against for weeks on end. ZZZ…ZZZ…ZZZ…SNORE-FEST. You know, after writing these updates for 6+ years, that formulaic “we killed this, we looted this” shit is played out. Tonight, we’re going to mix it up a little.

First step, let’s throw out all the shit I’m too lazy to type about. So far, this new format is a great success! Let’s skip right to the good shit: Convorteum

Second step, let’s adopt a rating system, similar to how one would rate a motion picture or popular music album. Only, instead of using that also-played-out “5 star” system, let’s use something a little more proprietary and closer to home, something EverQuest related. Naturally, we’re going to use the greatest thing in EverQuest to rate these events: Pogonip

Pogonip is awesome. Events will be rated on a 1-5 Pogonip scale.

Convorteum, as predicted, has 7 events. Please, do not confuse this 7 event end-game zone with this one or this one.

Convorteum Event #1: The Gatekeeper
This event is great. It’s really the perfect event. There is very litte/no trash to kill before the event. The Gatekeeper has almost no challenging abilities and your guild can kill it while you sit there AFK, pretending you’re not watching videos at BigWetAsses.com More importantly, this event will be easily farmable for your fledgling alts once we’re all level 90 and intoxicated with untamed power. I forgot to take a screenshot of this mob (not because I was at BigWetAsses.com either. Honest.) So, I thought about putting up a predictable picture of Zuul, The Gatekeeper of Gozer. Instead, here is a picture of Don Knotts.

Overall rating: 4.5 pogonips

Convorteum Event #2: The Stone Warden
This event is “ok”. The storyline for this event, and correct me if I’m wrong: Three hookers are slutting themselves around Convorteum and their pimp, The Stone Warden, is keeping a watchful eye on them from the corner of the room. We take each of these whoahs into their respectable rooms and, you know…show them what it’s all about. Unfortunately, we have “mommy issues” and start roughing up The Stone Warden’s three money makers a little too much. Violence ensues. Look at that pimp hand.

Overall rating: 3 pogonipples

Convorteum Event #3: Unstable Creation
After what we witnessed down at Event #2, it came to no surprise that this place is infested with crabs. They are just EVERYWHERE in Event #3, giving the term ‘Deadliest Catch’ a whole new meaning. The idea of this event is to attack the named with a fine-toothed comb while hitting the crab adds with the sanitary shampoo. You lose if you get overrun by crabs and end up scratching your balls raw. Your family and friends are ashamed and won’t let you piss indoors anymore. See the winning strategy for this event here.

Overall rating: 2 pogonips

Convorteum Event #4: The Keymaster
Following logic proposed in Ghostbusters, The Keymaster is supposed to have sex with The Gatekeeper. After which, some apocalyptic or world-changing event will take place. Before we continue, you’ll have to imagine Don Knotts being mounted by this fat lava lizard. All set? Moving right along, this event is much like The Gatekeeper event in the regard that it’s so easy, you’ll be farming this thing six ways to Sunday in the very near future for your alternative characters. Event #4 would be worthy of 4.5 pogonips but, the “achievement” for this event relies on keeping this guy’s fat ass in the lava. Bzzzzt.

Overall rating: 3.5 pogonips

Convorteum Event #5: The Hall of Records
Jesus, we’re only on Event #5? This seemed like such a good idea at the time, which was about 4 hours ago. I’m fading out fast. This event is a giant waste of time. Next!

Overall rating: 1 pogonip

Convorteum Event #6: Magus Sisters
This event has a team of sisters that are determined to make your life miserable. Please don’t confuse this event with this one or this one. This event has the added bonus of saving Norrath from global warming by recycling the events of yesteryear. Truthfully, this event is really fun. Also, the achievements are so fucking creepy that you have to wonder if Franky the Greasy Intern got a “talking to” after he implemented them. I mean, read this shit: Make Them Watch, Half Sisters and…Slumber Party. Creeeeeeeepyyyyyyy. I imagine at some point, there had to be a meeting with the “creative” team and the rest of the developers regarding the names of achievements in Underfoot. I also imagine it went something like this:

Overall rating: 4 pogonips

Convorteum Event #7: The First Creation
Finally! Event #7. I always wondered why it took so long to get Brell Serilis into EverQuest. It seemed like almost every other major deity had been given some time in the limelight, so why not Brell? I’ll tell you why right now:

Brell is a retard.

Literally. While other gods like Fennin Ro and Rallos Zek were sitting around being fuckin’ awesome, Brell was in his basement playing with dolls and painting Warhammer miniatures. And apparently, he was shitty at even that. Look at his First Creation; it’s like Rocky Dennis was forcibly inserted into Andre the Giant’s asshole. What a total loser lol.
Anyway, Event #7 is cool. It’s what an expansion’s final event should be. After Lord Brekt, this is quite a refreshing end to a really good raid expansion. Sure, people will bitch and complain about this-and-that being fucked up and not tuned, etc…but the fact of the matter is: Underfoot lasted a long time and proved to be fun and challenging as fuck. Good times.

Overall rating: 5 pogonips

So that’s that. Be sure to check back soon(ish). We’re putting together an Underfoot video. Hopefully, it will be out before House of Thule is. You’ll find it here when it’s done. Ka-kow.

Lastly, I want to congratulate everyone in Triality for really stepping it up this year and putting an end to Underfoot. We had some unique challenges and those of you that stuck it out, cheers to you all. I’m never surprised but always amazed. You guys kick fuckin’ ass.

x too many

…and finally…

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