Originally posted by Quarken Feb 07, 2010 03:02
Yo everyone. We haven’t had a true update in like 10 months or something, since those boner-destroying Living Legacy events. A lot has changed since then. After farming Seeds of Destruction for an entire year, our roster was about as stable as a highrise in Haiti. So, we’ve been on a recruiting frenzy and found a good handful of folks that were willing to put the can’t in applicant. We’re still recruiting though. Let’s talk about that real quick:
Classes updated: 04.06.10
If you’re one of those classes listed above and you feel like you’re ready to strap on the happy helmet and raid Triality style, contact Mendix, Somta, Sepha or myself (preferably one of the other 3) in-game. We’ll have you raiding at a third-grade level in no time. On a serious note, don’t bother applying if you’re the type of person that doesn’t know how to spell words, type words quickly or understand words typed at you. Communication is key. We can help you get gear and AA’s but dumb is forever. Forever. Speaking of dumb, let’s talk about Underfoot.
Just kidding. So far, Underfoot awesome. The events are harder than a teen at a titty bar with the learning curve of a sonderkommando new-hire orientation. The challenge is refreshing after that last limp noodle we had to raid for a year. So let’s get on with it. For no good reason whatsoever, we’re going to list our victories backwards.
First, the Wrath of Brath. An irritable golem with a penchant for ass beating. Ok, confession time. There’s been a lot of accusations coming out of the gay community regarding the methods we employed to beat these new events. I like competition. So, it would be unfair if we were using top secret tactics to our advantage and not allowing our competing guilds the same privilege. With that in mind, I reluctantly present our Brath strat, full disclosure.
Anyone that’s been to the Brath event knows you have 1 big named and a shitload of adds. The first thing we do when seeing a new event is apply EQ judo; take our opponents strength and attacks and use them to our advantage. Any gamer worth his salt knows in Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 you can get a Tactical Nuke by killing 25 consecutive enemies without dying. The Tactical Nuke gives you an instant victory, regardless of the odds stacked against you. So, with all the adds during the Brath event, the path to victory seemed pretty obvious. The tricky part was figuring out how to get that tactical nuking capability into EverQuest. There just had to be a way. We put our top Triality Black Ops engineers and scientists on the case. One set of jumper cables, a box of Twinkies and 2 hours later, we were tactically nuking our way into EverQuest history, bringing home the serverwide-first victory over Brath. So there it is, our 100% true, no holds barred strat for Brath and many, many future conquests in the Underfootage.
Prior to Brath, we had the unique pleasure of visiting an event so fun that the very thought of it has been known to inflict erectile dysfunction into even the most virile stud. I’m of course referring to Grunkuck the Beast. The blood-thirstiest, shoot ’em first-iest, doggone worst-iest mob that ever sailed the Spanish main! And, oh. my. god. would you believe some people accused lil’ old us of using questionable tactics on this event too? Yessire. Well, that cannot be denied. I think by now the very obvious and much talked about Rock of Destiny came into play during our early victories over this drrrrrreadful event. In case you aren’t privy to what I’m referring to, please, enjoy our helpful tutorial. If a picture is worth a thousand words, than a 15 frame animated .gif must be worth, like, a million!
The good news is we’ve since single tanked the beast, quickly affirming that yes, our dicks are still huge even when they take our rocks away. With strat making this like, how can’t we succeed?!
What else, what else have we been up to. Oh, Pellucid Grotto. This fight is the shit, even better, nobody accused us of cheating. I know, it’s almost unberievable. After being awesome for long, we’re used to people accusing us of cheating, or hacking, or macroquesting or having a Bat Phone to the devs that gets events killed for us or…, you get the point. You can actually go back to the past handful of expansions and read updates on this very website shooting down these (mostly) baseless accusations.
At this point, we don’t care. Your nerd-raging, EQLive posting nonsense is met with only apathy and sarcasm. You can keep calling us out all you like. It still doesn’t stop your members from apping to us because they’d rather get shit done than listen to you cry and whine and shout about us all night, after every wipe. Maybe if people like Ronak just shut the fuck up, they’d make a worthwhile contender somewhere down the line. I don’t know much (really, I don’t) but if I saw Mendix spamming EQLive, smashing other guilds all day, I’d start to wonder where his priorities sat. Meaning, I’d wonder if he was more concerned with making us succeed or more concerned with making others fail. If it was the latter, I’d be jumping ship like a peasant on the Titanic.
Now, you’re saying, “What the fuck dude, you just told me you guys used rocks and nukes and shit to beat those other events”. So what? fuck off. And also, you’re retarded. It doesn’t take a criminal mastermind to notice ae’s for Brath are flagged beneficial on Lucy. The same as it isn’t rocket science that zone geometry has been used since, literally, the first raid mobs EVER to dodge detrimental aes and abilities. You’re going to tell me in NToV, your guild never hid from an AE? Or used the jboot trick on Aary? There wasn’t any other way people did those fights. This is fucking elementary EverQuest.
We all know we’re beta testing expansions on live, at this point. The beta server exists to make sure the car runs. But it’s up to us, after release, to make sure it drives and the windshield wipers work and all that shit. So, of course we find oversights, loopholes and broken shit that works to our advantage. Nobody will question that we immediately fire this information off to the powers that be and scream to have it fixed ASAP.
Though, usually, we’re by ourselves doing this shit. We’re usually seeing and killing encounters before you guys get to them. So you never really have to experience this type of shit (specifically, see Frostcrypt and Solteris for a great example of this). But this time around, SoD was like an equal opportunity expansion that lasted wayyyyy too long. SoD allowed everyone, even the Mom & Pop guilds, to be crashing into Underfoot raids day 1…and it shows.
In short, know your role, fall into line and start acting like you’re supposed to be here if you want to stay. This shit has been going on longer than you realize and you’re showing how green you are by complaining to any ear, or forum, that will listen.
Anyway, Pellucid Grotto. It’s awesome, we beat it and I’m entirely too sober on a Saturday night to say anything else. Grap summed it up quite nicely, even with the typos.
And firstly but not leastly, Fappy Dickpaw. This fight is also awesome. A little humor, a little asskicking. I guess Fippy is a bit of old news by this point and, again, I’m too sober to say anything beyond that.
Alright, so I think I’ve made enough dick references to awaken the zombie of Freud. We’ll be back with more updates as we smash and grab everything Underfoot has to offer. Until then, I’m going to eat some dilaudid like they’re breath mints…for my back pain of course. And wash it down with a Jack & Coke (minus the coke) for my brain pain. XOXOXO