• Quarken Era (2004-2013)

    Release the Flies

    Yo everyone. We haven’t had a true update in like 10 months or something, since those boner-destroying Living Legacy events. A lot has changed since then. After farming Seeds of Destruction for an entire year, our roster was about as stable as a high-rise in Haiti. So, we’ve been on a recruiting frenzy and found a handful of folks that were putting the can’t in applicant. We’re still going strong but obviously still recruiting. Let’s talk about that real quick:

    Bard: 1
    Berserker: 2
    Cleric: 2
    Enchanter: 1
    Rogue: 2
    Shaman: 1

    Updated Apr 06, 2010

    If you’re one of those classes listed above and you feel like you’re ready to strap on the happy helmet and raid Triality style, contact Mendix, Somta, Sepha or myself (Quarken but preferably one of the other 3 officers) in-game. We’ll have you raiding at a third-grade level in no time. On a serious note, don’t bother applying if you’re the type of person that doesn’t know how to spell words, type words quickly or understand words typed at you. Communication is key. We can help you get gear and AA’s but dumb is forever. Forever. Speaking of dumb, let’s talk about Underfoot.

    Just kidding. So far, Underfoot awesome. The events are harder than a teen at a titty bar while having the learning curve of a sonderkommando new-hire orientation. The challenge is refreshing after that last limp noodle we had to raid for a year.

    First, The Wrath of Brath. An irritable golem with a penchant for ass beating. Ok, confession time. There’s been a lot of accusations coming out of the raiding community regarding the methods we employed to beat these new events. I like competition. So, it would be unfair if we were using top secret tactics to our advantage and not allowing our competing guilds the same privilege. With that in mind, I reluctantly present our Brath strat, full disclosure.

    Anyone that’s been to the Brath event knows you have 1 big named and a shitload of adds. The first thing we do when seeing a new event is apply EQ judo; take our opponents strength and attacks and use them to our advantage. Any gamer worth his salt knows in Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 you can get a Tactical Nuke by killing 25 consecutive enemies without dying. The Tactical Nuke gives you an instant victory, regardless of the odds stacked against you. So, with all the adds during the Brath event, the path to victory seemed pretty obvious. The tricky part was figuring out how to get that tactical nuking capability into EverQuest. There just had to be a way. We put our top Triality Black Ops engineers and scientists on the case. One set of jumper cables, a box of Twinkies and 2 hours later, we were tactically nuking our way into EverQuest history, bringing home the serverwide-first victory over Brath. So there it is, our 100% true, no-holds-barred strategy for Brath and many, many future conquests in the Underfootage.

    Prior to Brath, we had the unique pleasure of visiting an event so unfun that the very thought of it has been known to inflict erectile dysfunction into even the most virile of men. I’m of course referring to Grunkuck the Beast. The blood-thirstiest, shoot ’em firstiest, doggone worstiest mob that ever sailed the Spanish main. And, oh. my. god. would you believe some people accused lil’ old us of using questionable tactics on this event too? Yessiree. Well, that cannot be denied. I think by now the very obvious and much talked about Rock of Destiny came into play during our early victories over this drrrrrreadful event. In case you aren’t privy to what I’m referring to, please, enjoy our helpful tutorial. If a picture is worth a thousand words, than a 15 frame animated .gif must be worth, like, a million!

    The good news is we’ve since single tanked the beast, quickly affirming that yes, our dicks are still huge even when they take our rocks away.

    With strategy brainstorming sessions like this, how can’t we win?!

    What else, what else have we been up to. Oh, The Unburrowing. This event is great. What’s better, nobody accused us of cheating. I know, it’s almost unberievable. After being awesome for long, we’re used to people accusing us of cheating, or hacking, or MacroQuesting or having a Bat Phone to the developers that’ll get events killed for us or…, you get the point. You can actually go back to the past handful of expansions and read updates on this very website shooting down these [mostly] baseless accusations.

    At this point, we don’t care. Your nerd-raging, EQLive posting nonsense is met with only apathy and sarcasm. You can keep calling us out all you like. It still doesn’t stop your members from applying to us because they’d rather get shit done than listen to you cry and whine and shout about us all night every time your raid gets wrecked on events we shit all over. Maybe if people like Ronak just shut the fuck up, they’d make a worthwhile contender somewhere down the line. I don’t know much (really, I don’t) but if I saw Mendix spamming EQLive, smashing other guilds all day, I’d start to wonder where his priorities sat. Meaning, I’d wonder if he was more concerned with making us succeed or more concerned with making others fail. If it was the latter, I’d be jumping ship like a peasant on the Titanic.

    Now, you’re saying, “What the fuck dude, you just told me you guys used rocks and nukes and shit to beat those other events”. So what? fuck off. And also, you’re retarded. It doesn’t take a criminal mastermind to notice AE’s for Brath are flagged beneficial on Lucy. The same as it isn’t rocket science that zone geometry has been used since, literally, the first raid mobs EVER to dodge detrimental AE’s and abilities. You’re going to tell me in Temple of Veeshan, your guild never hid from an AE? Or you never used Journeyman’s Boots to unfuck the mana drain from Aaryonar? There wasn’t any other way people did those fights. This is fucking elementary EverQuest.

    We all know we’re beta testing new expansions on live servers, at this point. The beta server exists to make sure the car runs. But it’s up to us, after release, to make sure it drives straight and the windshield wipers work and all that shit. So, of course we find oversights, loopholes and broken shit that works to our advantage. Nobody will question that we immediately fire this information off to the powers that be and scream to have it fixed ASAP.

    Though, usually, we’re by ourselves doing this shit. We’re usually seeing and killing encounters before you guys get to them. So you never really have to experience this type of shit (i.e., Frostcrypt and Solteris). But last time around, Seeds of Destruction was like an equal opportunity expansion that lasted wayyyyy too long. SoD allowed everyone, even the mom & pop guilds full of filthy casuals, to be crashing into Underfoot raids on day 1 and it shows.

    In short, know your role, fall into line and start acting like you’re supposed to be here if you want to stay. This shit has been going on longer than you realize and you’re showing how green you are by complaining to any ear, or forum, that will listen.

    Anyway, The Unburrowing. It’s awesome, we beat it and I’m entirely too sober on a Saturday night to say anything else. Grap summed it up quite nicely:

    And firstly but not leastly, Fappy Dickpaw. This fight is also awesome. A little humor, a little asskicking. I guess Fippy is a bit of old news by this point and, again, I’m too sober to type anything beyond that.

    Alright, so I think I’ve made enough dick references to awaken the zombie of Freud. We’ll be back with more updates as we smash and grab everything Underfoot has to offer. Until then, I’m going to eat some Dilaudid like they’re breath mints, for my back pain of course, and wash it down with a Jack & Coke (minus the Coke) for my brain pain. XOXOXO

    Spackled and battered and
    smothered and covered and
    cleaving and cloven and
    bitter and blued.
    Originally posted by qxx • Feb 07, 2010 03:02