Yo everyone. This update should have come yesterday but like Snow Satan decided to dump 7 kagillion meglo-tons of the white shit on my house and surrounding areas. So I spent the majority of my time yesterday outside socializing with my neighbors, while we searched for creative adjectives to weave into our useless small talk about the snow we’re all stuck shoveling. But enough of that dumb shit – we need to talk about the good shit.
Arch Magus Vangl is the good shit. This was a fun event. After being stuck in a one-sided relationship of convenience with that selfish bitch Jelvan, we just wanted some alone time to ourselves. I mean, I’m sure we’ll go back to Jelvan at some point but, for now, we just want to see whats out there and maybe try things out with other mobs. Since we were fresh out of that suffocating relationship with Jelvan, it’s not surprising that we got snatched up on the rebound by Arch Magus Vangl. He’s certainly not as eye appealing as Jelvan, to be sure, but a friend of ours said he was a pig in bed. We all know what kind of ‘goods’ Jelvan puts out. So, we were hoping to get something a little more intense out of Vangl. So yeah, we went up to that penthouse suite that he’s got in the Asylum of Anguish, you know, for a quick visit. But as soon as we tried to talk to him, he became very aggressive. We may be feeling a bit vulnerable from Jelvan’s abuse but we don’t take that shit from anyone. So we blew our collective rape whistles and gave him a face full of know-how.
It wasn’t long before he gave in and put out a lil’ sumthin sumthin. But…
….we were wrong – Jelvan puts out much better.
So anyway, we’re confused and alone again. Looking for loot in all the wrong places. But I think we found a new man. We just gotta test the waters, you know, talk to him a little before we make a commitment. Here’s a pic, he’s sooooo hawt like zomg.
Real fast, I need to share a miracle of the modern age with you all. This miracle will be difficult to believe but it’s something I’ve been waiting for, working towards, ever since I started this game and it finally happened. I feel like it is my greatest accomplishment to date in EverQuest, although I couldn’t have done it without the hard work and dedication of my guild mates. They helped make this dream a reality. So this is more of a thank you to them than anything else.
Now most of you just see icons, or perhaps a loser still using the default interface. But right there – that’s my buff window. But, it’s actually more than that. Take a closer look. Do you see it yet?
I’ve been playing since the year 2000 and, all my fucking EverQuest life, all I ever wanted was a perfect buff order. To be able to recognize, at a moments glance, what buff I am missing and to just plain ease my anal retentive obsessive compulsive pipe dream that is The Perfect Buff Order. Every single night I try to get the buffs in this specific order. But due to a plague of AFKs, slow replies for my buff requests and just plain buff cock-blockery, I had yet to achieve my never-dying dream. And now, it’s finally happened!
Look at how amazing that is! From right to left, I have my self buffs, my ATK buffs, my AC buffs, and then my HP buffs all perfectly arranged by the hand of God Himself. This is especially a miracle because I didn’t ask for a single one of these buffs – they were just cast upon me. Unbeknownst to my never-ending quest for The Perfect Buff Order, my guild mates made a small man’s dream come true. No fucking Selo’s being spammed, no rez effects fading and/or buff ninja’ing it’s way into my top slots all willy-nilly. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. Even more beautiful than that plastic grocery bag I saw that one time being chaotically blown in the wind.
Predictably, it didn’t last long because these bitches let me die about 4 minutes later. So thanks for nothing, you teases. You gave me my dream and like that *snaps fingers* – it was gone; taken away as if it meant nothing. It’s like you don’t even care about me or my whack ass dreams. To hell with all of you!