Legacy Updates

quarken.xired-Kiss Me Where It Smells Funny

Originally posted by Quarken on Oct 14, 2005 1:33

Yo everyone. An update, it’s totally amazing I know. This here will be the first update since Depths of Darkhollow has gone live. So much to talk and so little time. Well, there’s all the time in the world but I need to get back to the slack A.S.A.P.I.R.L. There’s so many new features in DoD to talk about, which I’m going to do, after we give you the dirty, filthy, greasy info on what we’ve been doing lately.

We’re recruiting. That means you, you right there, you can apply to Triality…maybe! Let’s keep this within reason, Charlie. You need to read our requirements and whatnot before you apply. We’re looking for good members to fill our ranks in almost every class except paladins & shadowknights. So if you’re a paladin or shadowknight, you just hold your horses right there. Here’s an itemized list of what we’re looking for:

Berserker: 1
Cleric: 2
Enchanter: 1
Wizard: 2

I’ll keep that list updated as we find people to fill in the spots. So if you think, “Yes, Triality is OK w/ me” you’ll be needing to send Miss Llohannis or Mister Grap a tell in the MMORPG EverQuest. Ok, once you’ve completed that, the next step will likely be ‘create an application and post on our forums’. I’ve been in this guild a while, I’m going to share some top secret inf0z with you right here: If your app…

… is 1 sentence, close your current window. Go to C:\Program Files\EverQuest and delete that directory.

…has the grammar and readability of a 16 year old Asian girl’s AOL member web page, slap yourself in the face with a bag of scorpion stingers. Immediately.

…is lacking a profile because you can’t decipher the mystical, magical complications of Magelo, go to your basement and saw off your hands.

Alright, enough funny business. I don’t want this update to be all horseplay and rabble-rousing, we have complete seriousness to get to. Let’s all be serious men and talk turkey here. We’ve been raiding DoD shit. Doing the “AA” raids the “Blood” raids or whatever you would like to reference them as. Anyway, we got to Council of the Nine first. And by got, I mean serial killed with great haste and prejudice.

Read the first 2 lines of this chat box. It’s probably the most sexually fueled statement I’ve ever heard in my entire life.

I think after that we went after Bloodeye. This is a fight where you pretend you’re not letting people die…but you’re really letting them die on purpose. It’s a pretty fun fight, people just flopping all over. Anyway, we killed him too.

I forgot loot but it was some 165 mana/end augment.

And after that we met up with Matriarch Shyra. She’s another big sexy werewolf. There’s really nothing to this fight so, ya we just killed her too. She’s boring, needs a little spicing up, eh? A little of the ole’ spicy spice eh? A little spicetastical spicy spiciness eh?. Ahh, I’m totally out of control right now and it feels great. /thumbs up

I forgot to screenshot the words of lore from Shyra. It probably said something crazy and awesome explaining why these “abilities” in my Alternate Ability window aren’t actually abilities at all.

We did some other non-progression raids as well, when DoD first came out. We quickly found out most are worthless trash piles. I didn’t take any pictures, except of the mushroom sporali king fellow, Atraygus the Sporali King! That guy is awesome. Fight was hilarious, people getting tossed all over the place willy nilly. Was a total gflux zergfest. Anyway, we killed him as well.

Other than that we’ve been poking around Dreadspire, working on demi-plane keys and just having a super duper awesome time.

So in the opening, thats what us pros call the first paragraph, the opening, you didn’t know that shit did ya? I said I’d talk about Depths of Darkhollow a little bit, here it is. When DoD was originally announced and the features were up on the Official EverQuest web site, nothing really jumped out at me, you know? Nothing really impressed me, I guess you could say. And I think I’ve figured out what it is. There are no good features in Depths of Darkhollow. None. I mean on the website, they list new AA’s, spells, zones, items, tradeskill recipes as like highlights of an expansion. What the fuck is that? Don’t list it, all that shit better come with the new expansion, that shit is a given. Do you think a restaurant advertises their features are serving food on plates and having restrooms so people don’t shit and piss all over the walls and floor? No, because those are without a doubt going to be there. I’m sick of that shitty deceptive advertising. It’s like you can’t fill up more than a few sentences describing the only “new” things of this expansion so you toss that other bullshit in there for filler. Advertising new zones in a god damn expansion is a little redundant isn’t it?

So let’s look at the actual features. Monster Missions and Spirit Shrouds!

Fuck these things in their face. People gaining experience doing something besides playing their own class? Super awesome good idea…I can’t wait to see the people who’ve gotten 75% of their total experience romping around these bad Larrys. I’m sure they’ll be packed full of skill and aptitude of their parent class. After doing a good handful of these, to form my always unbiased and objective opinion, I came to realize everything I’ve worked for in EQ, all my gear, AA’s, skills, etc…are just…gone. I just don’t understand the appeal as playing as a worse version of myself with some shitty NPC illusion. But there’s more to it than that.

When you spend an hour doing something, even if you fail at your objective, usually there’s some experience to make up for it. Like if I spend a few hours camping some item, and I don’t get it, at least I’ve gotten some experience killing mobs for the chance at it. If the mobs I have to kill don’t yield experience, it’s still my decision to go there and do it. I’ve done some monster missions that only yield experience upon a victory. So, if you spend an hour or 2, shit or more, trying to do some ridiculous objectives and you fail, you get no fuckin experience gain. You basically pissed away a few hours aggravating yourself and hating EverQuest a little more.

There’s some basic building blocks of the game. Whether they are a necessity or just something we’ve come dependant on is up for discussion. But I would be willing to wager 99% of the non retarded population playing this game will agree Resurrection is one of the most important and useful abilities around. Forget the xp reimbursement portion of it, that is a moot point, you lose no xp on death and respawn at zone in. But what about instances that have repops and the location in the task asks you to be deep within the zone? You can’t get back to your group, it’s virtually impossible. And when you’re limited to 3 “classes” to choose from, losing 1 person can be pretty vital. So you work up to that point for a while and if someone dies, you’re fucked, pack up your shit and go home?

The balancing of tank hit points, healer mana regen is totally out of synch on alot of these missions. When you give a tank 20k hps and the best heal is a 4k heal that costs an asston of mana, thats retarded. Top that cake off with the fact that mana regen is a fucking joke. Even with mental clarity ranked to the fuckin gills, you’ll be sitting to med like this shit was Lower Guk in the year 1999.

There’s was one particular mission where all these things came to rub their sack all up in my grill. We did the mission with 5 people, it was in the Hive. The class options were Warrior, Cleric, and Wizard, which is actually an enchanter go figure. It had this little ring event in the upstairs of the west tower. We plow up there at the speed of a legless invalid. We get up there for the ring event, and the warrior dies. With no way to rez, and repops all the way up to us, it took some training and respawning to get back up there. So, the ability to return to your group is less dependent on your abilities and more dependent on you computer loading the zone file faster than the NPCs will path back. Super cool. During the ring event, we’d get 2 mobs at a time. We’d kill 2. Then get another wave of 2. Kill 1 of those, then have the “wizard” mez the other while the cleric meds for a fuckin half an hour. There were only about 10 waves, you can do the math.

There was another one I did, some instanced version of Runnyeye, where I’m a level 30ish Sporali killing evil eyes. With no resists, because that’s what they decided to give me, no control over that! it was an awesome time having the evil eyes chain blind, stun, glfux me all over the fuckin place. At one point I actually punched myself in the throat for paying for this. I mean honestly, it was ridiculous. I find it hard to believe (impossible to believe) anyone played/tested that mission and said, “PERFECT” and sent it off with a blue ribbon on it. Granted not all monster missions are this out of whack, but the general philosophy of them is just too much for me to handle. But I guess if you get off on playing as some NPC illusion, with limited, untuned abilities and stats, then Monster Missions are right up your alley.

I probably wouldn’t be so upset with Monster Missions if they weren’t the only real feature of this entire expansion. Monster Missions and Spirit Shrouds, that’s it. To me a feature is something new to the game, that makes a particular expansion unique. I guess by that definition evolving items are a feature as well, but I’m only agreeing to that because I don’t want to split hairs about how shitty those things are in principal. I know I got pretty lengthy here, but please believe, there’s alot more I’d like to say but I’m not sure I have the patience or self control to get it all out coherently. I had started writing some more bullshit about how the life span of these new expansions is only a couple months and how the lack of content and the over usage of instancing is killing the game, but I’ll save it for a rainy day.

Quotable Quotes That I Quoted

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