Crush Our Battle Opponent’s Balls
Yo everyone. This front page update may or may not be a few days past due. But that’s OK, friends, because we are here to announce something mega.
We are officially the 1st guild to beat everyone in defeating Solteris, the Throne of Ro.
As our previous front page update noted, we had beaten the first two events in Solteris. And as you will soon read, we have now beaten the next three amazing encounters, bringing us to a grand total of five. At this point, you’re probably thinking, “There are seven events, dickhead. How can you claim you’re the 1st to beat an expansion when you haven’t even finished it yet. What happens if you get too cocky and some other awesome, younger, more handsome and well hung guild beats you to the end boss and fucks kills it, you self-righteous, egotistical, sore-losing douche bag[s]?”
Well, as you very well know: that doesn’t matter. We have progressed further and faster than any other guild through this zone and if we get beaten by someone to the end, that just means we lost only two of the seven events to them, still beating them by five. Leaving us as the BEST OVERALL Solteris raiders this side of the Mason-Dixon. And really that’s all that matters. You and your logic will never be able to pry this twisted view of accomplishment from my cold, dying, irrelevant hands. Now, if you would excuse me, it’s almost bedtime and I need to do my stretches or I’ll never be able to auto-fellate while giving myself a round of applause.
Now that we’re all caught up on the logistics of what makes a winner in this world, let’s take a look at these three amazing events I had mentioned we recently beat.
First off is my personal favorite, Stalwart Defenders. This event requires you to crack this golem a real onesy-twosey across his smug little chin. But don’t get too over anxious there, Sugar Ray Rodney King, or you’re gonna be hauled into the big house by the Solteris Riot Squad. We posted bail and collected out loot.
Blessing of Shifting Smoke
Fiery Dirk of Sacrifice
Firekissed Hoop of the Titan
Pulsating Beacon of Fire
Great Axe of Twink Flames
Next event, just over the bridge, is The Captured Portal spearheaded by Astire, the Lunar Eclipse. This fight is just a ‘lil gem of heaven. We dispatched our boys in at the 4th Precinct to put the muscle on this fella.
Finally, we have the Portal to Dreadspire being guarded by the hermaphroditic spider Irrissa the Seer. An epic battle. So unbelievably epic, I forgot to get a screenshot so here’s a shot of the aftermath.
And that’s really it for now. More to come, more to come. So check back for the epic conclusion of Solteris, the Throne of Ro.
Tool of the Month
