Jiggle the Handle
Yo everyone. I guess I can take ‘Wait 1 full year before doing a front page update’ out of my bucket list. I want to thank EverQuest for making this possible. Had you been putting out any new content or making anything worth talking about, I may not have been able to accomplish this remarkable feat and personal milestone.
Truth be told, it seems a little lackluster to be writing an update about an expansion we beat 11 months ago. But we’re on the eve of being paroled from the House of Thule and before we move on to the next installment in the EverQuest franchise, Veil of Alaris, I wanted to write this update for the sole purpose of congratulating my fellow adventurers in Triality. At the risk of sounding too conceited, let me say congratulations for finishing House of Thule #1 on the server and #2 game-wide. Ok, I’m done. See you next year!
Ok I lied. That isn’t the sole purpose of writing this update. As much as I love talking about how awesome we are, there are 3 other very good reasons for this:
First, legions of turncoat Triality members voted me Least likely to update the website before Veil of Alaris in the Triality yearbook. And the only thing I like more than ‘slacking’ is ‘doing things out of spite’.
Second, I lost a bet. Which taught me that the only thing this guild likes more than ‘slacking’ is ‘doing things out of spite’.
Third, Sanctum Somnium.
While I’m not going to recap every event held within Somnium, as that shit is old news by now, I did still want to highlight some of the finer aspects of the zone we’ve been wasting away in for the past year. A tribute.
It’s not always about the challenge. And if events 3, 4 & 6 are any indication, I’m not the only one who feels that way (zing!) When you play a video game, sometimes it’s nice to just sit back and enjoy the superficial aesthetics of it; the graphics, for lack of a better term. The visual appeal of a video game is one of the first things old and new players alike are going to use in order to gauge, “How good is this game?” and I think the latest end-zone of House of Thule answers that question perfectly.
Visually stunning. It’s no secret that EverQuest subscriptions are going a zip-a-dee-doo-dah and I can’t imagine why. Who doesn’t want to put their time into a game that when ‘beaten’ rewards you with a sandy wasteland of nothingness. That’s every boy’s dream. Sandy Wasteland not your cup of tea? Don’t worry your pretty little head about it, we also have:
The Cages of Boredom! Oh, I can remember as a child being captivated by hero’s tales of great, big, gray cages of emptiness. Who needs caverns filled with treasure, rock ledges overhanging pools of lava, enchanted forests or temples lined with secret passage ways when you can experience the fantasy equivalent of a 9-5 cubicle. What’s that you say? A doorway and walls are just too many physical features for you? Well this next one is right up your alley. Don’t be fooled, it’s not the inside of The Grimace’s urethra…
…it’s The Sky to Nowhere!
Don’t adjust your video cards and this isn’t a dream – it’s a dream come true. Never again will your eyes or brain need to be filled with inconsequential, visual distractions which is the last thing you want in a video game. I would rhetorically exclaim, “Who makes this shit?!” but we already know…
There was one cool visual thing happening in House of Thule. I’m not sure if it was intentional or not but while we were doing Tick Tock for the first time I found myself gazing at the clock. I wasn’t just trying to rationalize why Triality, seasoned veterans of Norrath’s conflicts, were beating up a fucking piece of furniture. No, there was something very familiar about this clock and what has been seen cannot be…well you know the rest.
So that’s it. We’re looking forward to stomping mudholes in Veil of Alaris, which is off to a good start so far…
Awful indeed. Anyway, I promise….sorry, choked for a second there, I promise we’ll update the website more frequently with our tales from the new sexpansion. ‘More frequently’ being a relative term of course! In the meantime, don’t let your meat loaf.
Mash up your face with my gauntleted smacks.