Legacy Updates

quarken.xired-6’2″ And Rude As Hell

Originally posted by Quarken on Mar 15, 2005 03:04

Yo everyone. You’ve probably noticed we haven’t had an update in a while. Now, I’m sure you just figure I’m slacking again…wrong bitches. Actually, you’re right, but let’s move on! Soooo, I guess here comes an action packed update with some dragons!

We haven’t had an update since Dragons of Norrath was released, that alone might be an telling indication of the awesomeness that resides within this expansion. That isn’t to insinuate that we aren’t ripping it’s shitter with our Alabama splitter, we are. It’s just…not that exciting. But, by the power invested in me, by Brother Nuntius, I will make this shit exciting and a memorable moment of your EverQuest experience.

In Dragons of Norrath we have been killing…dragons. Shocker. Seriously though, I like killing dragons, it’s one of the original appealing aspects that sucked me and hundreds of millions of jobless, single, white men to this game in the first place. I’ve been begging for some more dragons in our beloved game, and I finally got them. I had something of a deeply reminiscent moment when we we’re all scattered around Rikkukin The Defender, killing a dragon, just like in the old days, that shit was emotionally moving. These new dragons are pretty hoss, compared to such classics as Trakanon and Lord Nagafen. But in the true scale of things, they crumbled like putas under our collective clamhammers.

We killed Rikkukin The Defender first, and although I lack the sufficent evidence of a corpse/loot shot, I’m sure you can find autistic children at the clinic defeating Rikkukin during How To Push Buttons 101. With our amazing ability to conjure strategies beyond typical human comprehension…

…and since we’re 60/40 on the semi-retarded::full blown retard ratio, we smoked his monkey ass.

Next up was Kessdona The Enlightened. This fight was almost an exact replica of Rikkukin’s only it has additional aggressive non-player characters attempting to usurp our loot and glory. Only our most experienced veteran troopers would pull us through this challenge for The Big W. Victory would not be reached until even the most seasoned myrmidons within our ranks were working with a well calculated strategy…

We went forth and fought valiantly until our bloodlust was quenched!

Let’s take a step back and view this for what it is. In DoN, they’ve eliminated traveling to your raid location, basically. You port from the Guild Hall directly to the zone that starts the expedition. So, no traveling there. Then you zone only once (which is also a total of 100 feet walking distance), and you’re rerdy to hop into the instance, which is located off the Plane of Tranquility, I mean, The Broodlands. Ok, so it’s no sweat getting there, but surely the vile dungeon of these vicious, ancient, fabled beasts will be well guarded and locked down by some of the most fierce and agressive minions we’ve ever encountered, we better be rea…oh wait, there’s nothing up in the zone except our dragon. Jesus, guys, I don’t know about this, if we don’t have to fight to it, I can only imagine the dragon itself is going to be nothing short of Kerafyrm with Balco sponsorship. I guess not because we walked 25 feet, yawned in the dragon’s face and collected our loot in 3 minutes. Interesting. So, next expansion I expect to pay my $30 and log in, at which point my inventory will be filled with whatever new gear I have the possibility of attaining and I’ll just destroy what I don’t want. Lets cut that last step right out of it and make the best expansion ever, guys. We can do it! We can do it together!…seriously, give me a job. Now.

Ok enough of that tomfoolery, here’s more tomfoolery. To use the word tomfoolery twice in 1 sentence has got to be a violation of my generation.

That is all for now! Check back soon because there’s another update around the corner, I swear it!

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