Legacy Updates

quarken.xired-Ya Get Skeeted On

Originally posted by Quarken on Feb 21, 2006 04:12

Yo everyone. Don’t adjust your television set. This is an actual timely update. I think it’s been about a month since the last update, which is some sort of land speed record for me. Grap threatened to do something that involved his teeth and my testicles if I didn’t crank this bad Larry out by tonight. So in a valiant effort of testicular preservation, you got something to read and I can safely fondle myself to 1980’s aerobic tapes…still.

Well, by now you know the drill. Before we get to the meat ‘n potatoes of these here updates, we got recruiting to discuss. And ya, we’re recruiting. So, if you think you got the cojones to rock the casbah, if you think you’re goatz enough to have sex with our raids, then you should do a couple things. You should go to our forums and read our requirements. Then after that, when you decide you got the swordocity, you need to send Orruar a tell before you apply. So, we’re recruiting some ninjas for these classes:

Bard: 1
Beastlord: 1
Berserker: 1
Magician: 1
Warrior: 1
Wizard: 1

That’s a dynamic list. It may change before your very eyes. We keep it updated for our needs, so check back if we don’t want your kind around here at the moment.

So, we’ve been romper stomping through The Demi-Plane of Blood some more. Things are getting better up in here. The first 2 encounters were shit, but these next 2 fights are pretty damn fun.

After banging out the Sisters, we head on up to Hatchet the Torturer. This fight is pretty slick. Aside from the occasional ‘future audio trigger candidate’ or some app strapping Hatchet to his chest and suicide bombing the raid, we devastate(d) this sloppy Sally.

Hatchet’s Rusted Brass Locket
Boots of the Vampire Hunter

This fight is pretty cool even though I can’t play Battlefronts 2 during it. It’s got some adds, some emotes, some death bombs but best of all: It’s got bear traps. I can’t believe EverQuest has been out, what? 5 years and this is the first time we’ve seen bear traps. In case you didn’t know, the Top 3 Coolest Things To Ever Exist go:

Bear Traps
Willie Aames

Now, I may make a couple suggestions here and there, but this isn’t a suggestion, it’s a demand: More bear traps. If I don’t see more bear traps in 14 days, I’m gonna take me and, well…me, and take myself to some other popular mmorpg, with an excess of bear traps. If you can’t hang with the bear traps, I’ll settle for a Willie Aames ring event.

So after we finished Hatchet, we went to see what Sanguimanus the Redfang was all about. He was all about kicking our ass apparently. But it wasn’t long until we power bombed his ass into a bed of broken beer bottles. Even though there was a sickening lack of bear traps in this event, it’s really enjoyable.

Helm of the Fallen Saint
Cryptwood Tonfa
Valorium Belt of Devotion

You didn’t think I was gonna get this here update done without a lil bit o bitchin, did ya? Is there a more useless effect to put on a Knight only item than Echo of Anger? I mean, DP loot is a bit retarded in general anyway, but I’ll save that for a rainy day. But EoA on a knight only piece of gear is a bit of a brain dead mod. That’d be like putting a +20 Whining mod on a Druid only item or a +10% AFK mod on a Quarken only item. How much more aggro do you guys think Knights need?

Well, that’s the whole sha-bang today. We’re now entering Tier 2 of Dreadspire of Blood and you know you’ll be getting hot sizzling updates for your chubby American jowls to slobber over. You come on over again, you precious little glutton you.

On the eve of a new expansion, we all go to bed with the anxiety and excitement only rivaled by Christmas and threesomes. With thoughts of new zones and farmable loot running through our heads, it’s hard to calm one’s self. This time though, I feel a little different. As much as I’m trying to imagine all the laggy zone particle effects, over farmed attuneable loot and click-here-to-zone-in topography, I can’t stop thinking of gnomes.

I know it’s a little cliche to complain about gnomes. Those adorable biscuits have been popular in EverQuest since day 1 and their fame isn’t dwindling. But sometimes, I feel a little bit like, what happened to the other races? Ya know? Like, whys it always a gnome explorer fuckin up? Aren’t gnomes supposed to be smart? Why they always fuckin up, why they always getting lost in zones and shit? Maybe we’ll take it a step further and make a task where you have to save a party of gnomes, who got captured trying to save another gnome?! The ultimate task!

Like Cicero, the latest gnome to follow in a great line of gnome failures. Maybe I missed the obvious indications we were chasing a gnome in these missions. But when we poped that cocoon open and a gnome shot out, a little part of me died that day. I kinda wanted to throw down my swords and DDT his bald spot into the ground. Send his lifeless body to Ak’Anon with a note pinned to his shirt that said, ‘If any of you leave this city, I’ll rape your women’. But I can’t do that, those options aren’t available to me in game, and I had to rescue this fuckin guy.

You may wonder why it took someone this long to bitch about the gnome themed everything in this game that’s been plaguing us for, oh I dunno, 4 solid years now. I personally wouldn’t brought it up if it wasn’t for DoDH. But when I zone into CC for the first time and I don’t see gnomes, but robotic gnomes, a line had to be drawn.

So on the dawn of Prophecy of Ro, I know it’s a little too late to avoid the gnome assault, but next next expansion, please, make some scripts that maybe have a Barbarian who got lost looking for ale, a Dwarf that got lost mining some gems or an Erudite who got lost looking for fat white women.

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